Some of you have also asked how I am coping with everything & I thought I would show you...
Chocolate & wine - a girls best friend when times are tough :)
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Coping
Some of you have sent me personal messages or have called to ask me how I am doing & I want to let you know how much I appreciate all the warm thoughts & well wishes!
Some of you have also asked how I am coping with everything & I thought I would show you...
Chocolate & wine - a girls best friend when times are tough :)
Some of you have also asked how I am coping with everything & I thought I would show you...
Chocolate & wine - a girls best friend when times are tough :)
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tough Day
This morning before my beta, I had busted out my 1 of 4 HPT's & tested. Even before I saw the result was negative - I knew. The spotting, the AF-like cramps & lower back ache these last few days was a clear sign that this wasn't going to happen for us.
I went in at 7:30am for my blood draw & by 10am they called with the results. Hearing the nurse say the beta was negative just finalized it all & made hearing it that much more painful. It took all I could do to not bust into tears. Then I had to call my husband. That phone call nearly killed me & I had to do all this at work which is the shitty part. He was so excited to hear from me & when I managed to choke out the words "the test was negative" there was silence on the other end. I know he is heartbroken & so very sad but he would never show it in front of me. The first words out of his mouth were: "how are you? are you ok? can you come home?" God I love that man.
After that phone call, I knew that today was going to be tough but I didn't know how tough it really would be. We had a slow day at work so it gave me lots of down-time to sit & think & wonder & be sad & think some more. I had to hide my emotions from my co-workers & I was bottling up all that grief & despair inside & it was killing me. I needed to be by myself to have a good cry & grieve over the loss of our little embies...over the loss of what was to be.
At the end of the day I headed to the locker room to get changed & a co-worker of mine (who knows all about our IVF journey) came up to me in private & asked if I was ok - that I seemed "distant" today. At that moment, I caved & lost it right in front of her. She hugged me & let me cry & she cried with me & it felt SO good to get it out & let go. She will never know how much that hug & her support meant to me!
So now I sit here & I just don't understand. It was a flawless cycle. The IVF procedure went perfect. We transferred 3 almost perfect embryo's & had one to freeze & not a one made it. I did everything the RE told me to do. How does all that get you nowhere?!
I am truly beginning to believe that Shane & I aren't meant to be parents. Or perhaps, we just aren't meant to be parents right now...at this moment...maybe someday, but not now.
I went in at 7:30am for my blood draw & by 10am they called with the results. Hearing the nurse say the beta was negative just finalized it all & made hearing it that much more painful. It took all I could do to not bust into tears. Then I had to call my husband. That phone call nearly killed me & I had to do all this at work which is the shitty part. He was so excited to hear from me & when I managed to choke out the words "the test was negative" there was silence on the other end. I know he is heartbroken & so very sad but he would never show it in front of me. The first words out of his mouth were: "how are you? are you ok? can you come home?" God I love that man.
After that phone call, I knew that today was going to be tough but I didn't know how tough it really would be. We had a slow day at work so it gave me lots of down-time to sit & think & wonder & be sad & think some more. I had to hide my emotions from my co-workers & I was bottling up all that grief & despair inside & it was killing me. I needed to be by myself to have a good cry & grieve over the loss of our little embies...over the loss of what was to be.
At the end of the day I headed to the locker room to get changed & a co-worker of mine (who knows all about our IVF journey) came up to me in private & asked if I was ok - that I seemed "distant" today. At that moment, I caved & lost it right in front of her. She hugged me & let me cry & she cried with me & it felt SO good to get it out & let go. She will never know how much that hug & her support meant to me!
So now I sit here & I just don't understand. It was a flawless cycle. The IVF procedure went perfect. We transferred 3 almost perfect embryo's & had one to freeze & not a one made it. I did everything the RE told me to do. How does all that get you nowhere?!
I am truly beginning to believe that Shane & I aren't meant to be parents. Or perhaps, we just aren't meant to be parents right now...at this moment...maybe someday, but not now.
Beta Result
negative :(
It pains me to even write it.
I'm not sure where to go from here. We have no plan...no "what next". I am just looking for strength to get me through this day.
Ugh - IF is just so unfair.
It pains me to even write it.
I'm not sure where to go from here. We have no plan...no "what next". I am just looking for strength to get me through this day.
Ugh - IF is just so unfair.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A Confession
::standing on podium::
Hi - my name is Heather and I am a closet POASer.
I have been peeing on sticks for over 18 months now. I can't tell you exactly how many I pee on monthly. It is usually 3 - since FRER comes in a box of 3, so I might as well use them all up right? But sadly it is sometimes more & it is a sick & sad addiction.
In my madness, I have held tests up to the light, walked over to a window for better light, have even walked outside into the natural light to get a better look. I have taken my glasses on and off usually squinting until I think I see something - then I head outside AGAIN to see if I can see it better. Is there a line or isn't there?! What if I tilt it a bit to the left or right...is there a line now?! Maybe if I put the stick up against a dark background...wait - still no line?
Seriously - what drives a sane person to act this way? I'm pretty sure that if I can't see a line just by looking at it like a normal person, then the line isn't there, and I should just accept it, right?!
This month though has been different. Ever since the ET took place I have been afraid to POAS. I have a box of 3 FRER tests & a CBE test all sitting under my sink & I have not yet peed on even one of them. I am SO afraid to see another negative & then I will be faced with the fact that we have spent all this money & gone through this whole IVF process for nothing. I am afraid to be faced with no plan for the next cycle. For the last 10 mos I have always had a plan in place for next month but this is very possibly the end of the road for us at our attempt in TTC & that too scares me.
Tomorrow is my beta & if by some chance they call me & tell me it is positive then I just might take out all 4 of those PG tests and pee on them all - just to see that 2nd line....just to see the word "pregnant"!
Hi - my name is Heather and I am a closet POASer.
I have been peeing on sticks for over 18 months now. I can't tell you exactly how many I pee on monthly. It is usually 3 - since FRER comes in a box of 3, so I might as well use them all up right? But sadly it is sometimes more & it is a sick & sad addiction.
In my madness, I have held tests up to the light, walked over to a window for better light, have even walked outside into the natural light to get a better look. I have taken my glasses on and off usually squinting until I think I see something - then I head outside AGAIN to see if I can see it better. Is there a line or isn't there?! What if I tilt it a bit to the left or right...is there a line now?! Maybe if I put the stick up against a dark background...wait - still no line?
Seriously - what drives a sane person to act this way? I'm pretty sure that if I can't see a line just by looking at it like a normal person, then the line isn't there, and I should just accept it, right?!
This month though has been different. Ever since the ET took place I have been afraid to POAS. I have a box of 3 FRER tests & a CBE test all sitting under my sink & I have not yet peed on even one of them. I am SO afraid to see another negative & then I will be faced with the fact that we have spent all this money & gone through this whole IVF process for nothing. I am afraid to be faced with no plan for the next cycle. For the last 10 mos I have always had a plan in place for next month but this is very possibly the end of the road for us at our attempt in TTC & that too scares me.
Tomorrow is my beta & if by some chance they call me & tell me it is positive then I just might take out all 4 of those PG tests and pee on them all - just to see that 2nd line....just to see the word "pregnant"!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
9dp3dt
9dp3dt - in English that means 9 days post 3 day transfer. That is where I am at today. Only 2 more days to go until my beta results.
I am a bit concerned though. Last night I woke up around 3am to pee & noticed some light brown spotting. This morning it was still there. By early morning it had turned to a pink-tinged spotting & as of 2pm today it is back to a light brown color & still hasn't gone away.
Physically I feel like AF is right around the corner (crampy, bloated, lower back pain) so I'm trying not to be down but I can't help but feel that way. The spotting hasn't changed color or gotten any heavier but is definitely alarming to say the least. I am trying to take it easy today & not do too much in hopes that it will stop. I know it could be a number of things but I can't help but fear the worst. I think this is my way of protecting myself mentally if it turns out that the IVF didn't work.
I guess in 2 days I will know the answer....
I am a bit concerned though. Last night I woke up around 3am to pee & noticed some light brown spotting. This morning it was still there. By early morning it had turned to a pink-tinged spotting & as of 2pm today it is back to a light brown color & still hasn't gone away.
Physically I feel like AF is right around the corner (crampy, bloated, lower back pain) so I'm trying not to be down but I can't help but feel that way. The spotting hasn't changed color or gotten any heavier but is definitely alarming to say the least. I am trying to take it easy today & not do too much in hopes that it will stop. I know it could be a number of things but I can't help but fear the worst. I think this is my way of protecting myself mentally if it turns out that the IVF didn't work.
I guess in 2 days I will know the answer....
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Embryo #4
Got the call today from the Embryologist & I am saddened to say that our 4th little embie arrested overnight so that means no embies to freeze :( On day 3 it was a grade B & just stopped cleaving for whatever reason so of course I can't help but wonder if the 3 embies they transferred will do the same!? I am going to make myself crazy with worry that this might not happen for us.
This waiting is the worst & to think I have 8 more days of it! I am heading to South Dakota for the holiday weekend to spend some time with my family so it will be a nice & much-needed distraction! My sister is the only one out of my family that knows we did IVF so it will be comforting having her there to talk to.
So, with that said, I hope everyone has a wonderful & safe Labor Day weekend!
This waiting is the worst & to think I have 8 more days of it! I am heading to South Dakota for the holiday weekend to spend some time with my family so it will be a nice & much-needed distraction! My sister is the only one out of my family that knows we did IVF so it will be comforting having her there to talk to.
So, with that said, I hope everyone has a wonderful & safe Labor Day weekend!
What's Happening?
So for those of you that are curious, this is what is happening with the embryo after a 3-day transfer:
The picture above shows the embryo at the time of fertilization to day four after 3-day transfer.
Day 1: embryo continues to grow & develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
Day 2: the cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
Day 3: the blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Day 4: the blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell & begins to attach itself to the uterus
Day 5: the blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Day 6: implantation continues
Day 7: implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta & fetus have begun to develop
Day 8: human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Day 9-10: fetal development continues & hCG continues to be secreted
Day 11: levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy
Day 2: the cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
Day 3: the blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Day 4: the blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell & begins to attach itself to the uterus
Day 5: the blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Day 6: implantation continues
Day 7: implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta & fetus have begun to develop
Day 8: human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Day 9-10: fetal development continues & hCG continues to be secreted
Day 11: levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy
The picture above shows the embryo at the time of fertilization to day four after 3-day transfer.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Embryo Transfer
We are back from the ET & all went well. When we got there, they walked us back to the IVF lab where we met with our RE. He went over our embryo status with us & we had 2 8-cell grade A & 2 8-cell grade B embryos.
Grade A: embryos that have round and symmetrical cells, look "textbook" perfect in every way and give high pregnancy rates when transferred.
Grade B: embryos have a small amount of cell fragmentation, but otherwise look relatively normal. A small amount of fragmentation is normal however, and can be expected in most human embryos.
He shared with us the guidelines of how many embryos he transfers in someone my age, the fact that we only had 4 eggs fertilized as well as the success rates. After much discussion, we decided to go ahead & transfer 3 embryos & will hope for the best.
The procedure was similar to having a PAP. They have you lay down & put your legs in the stirrups & then insert the speculum. In the meantime they are looking at your uterus on abdominal US the entire time. The embryologist went to get our embies from the lab & delivered them to our RE in a long catheter. The RE inserted the catheter into my uterus & we watched on the US as he injected our embies. They then took the catheter back to the lab to make sure all the embies had been injected & they had. That was it - easy peasy & took less than 10 min! They then transferred me back to the stretcher & moved me to a room where I laid for 30 min. Then I was able to get up & head home.
We are going to see how our 4th embryo develops & the Embryologist will decide on Wed whether or not it will make it to freeze. We are saying many prayers & crossing our fingers that at least one of these embies stick! Beta is scheduled to be drawn on Sept 10!
*sigh* It's going to be a LONG 11 days!
Grade A: embryos that have round and symmetrical cells, look "textbook" perfect in every way and give high pregnancy rates when transferred.
Grade B: embryos have a small amount of cell fragmentation, but otherwise look relatively normal. A small amount of fragmentation is normal however, and can be expected in most human embryos.
He shared with us the guidelines of how many embryos he transfers in someone my age, the fact that we only had 4 eggs fertilized as well as the success rates. After much discussion, we decided to go ahead & transfer 3 embryos & will hope for the best.
The procedure was similar to having a PAP. They have you lay down & put your legs in the stirrups & then insert the speculum. In the meantime they are looking at your uterus on abdominal US the entire time. The embryologist went to get our embies from the lab & delivered them to our RE in a long catheter. The RE inserted the catheter into my uterus & we watched on the US as he injected our embies. They then took the catheter back to the lab to make sure all the embies had been injected & they had. That was it - easy peasy & took less than 10 min! They then transferred me back to the stretcher & moved me to a room where I laid for 30 min. Then I was able to get up & head home.
We are going to see how our 4th embryo develops & the Embryologist will decide on Wed whether or not it will make it to freeze. We are saying many prayers & crossing our fingers that at least one of these embies stick! Beta is scheduled to be drawn on Sept 10!
*sigh* It's going to be a LONG 11 days!
Fertility Report #3
This is what a perfect-looking 8 celled embryo on day 3 should look like:
Just got the call & all 4 embryos have made it to 8-cell stage so the plan is to go ahead and do the transfer today. The Embryologist said she performed "assisted hatching" to all 4 embryos & from what I have read, this is supposed to increase your chances of implantation.
ET is scheduled for 11am so I will provide an update when we get back! SO very excited...
Just got the call & all 4 embryos have made it to 8-cell stage so the plan is to go ahead and do the transfer today. The Embryologist said she performed "assisted hatching" to all 4 embryos & from what I have read, this is supposed to increase your chances of implantation.ET is scheduled for 11am so I will provide an update when we get back! SO very excited...
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Fertility Report #2
The Embryologist called this morning to say that all 4 embryos look good & are cleaving nicely with no conerns. They are at the 4-cell stage & should be looking like this:
The plan is if they all make it to the 8-cell stage by tomorrow morning, then we will go ahead with the transfer at 11am Monday morning. If for some reason they are progressing a little slower than that, then we will let them grow until Wed & will do a 5 day transfer that morning.
I am SO nervous that my little embies will stop cleaving :( I just need to think positive thoughts but that is much easier said than done! Will update with the plan when I hear something tomorrow morning!
The plan is if they all make it to the 8-cell stage by tomorrow morning, then we will go ahead with the transfer at 11am Monday morning. If for some reason they are progressing a little slower than that, then we will let them grow until Wed & will do a 5 day transfer that morning.I am SO nervous that my little embies will stop cleaving :( I just need to think positive thoughts but that is much easier said than done! Will update with the plan when I hear something tomorrow morning!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Fertility Report #1
Out of the 7 eggs retrieved, 5 were mature & 4 were fertilized by ICSI (as shown below): 
So incase you are wondering, this is what the embryos should be looking like this morning: 
Male & female genetic material (DNA) are contained in the 2 pronuclei seen in the center of the photo. Pretty amazing stuff isn't it?!?
Oh - & another pleasant note...
I started the vaginal progesterone suppositories last night. I am taking Endometrin rather than the Prometrium & I get to enjoy these lovely little tablets 3 x's a day!!! I thought since these were "pill-like" rather than "gel-like" that they would be better but I was sadly mistaken.
Instead of my "hoo-hoo" feeling constantly gooey it now feels constantly "wet" & like water is running out of me everytime I stand up. Pleasant visual isn't it?! Sorry if that is TMI! And to think I am going to have to take these all throughout my 1st trimester :(
BUT I am not going to complain because if the end result is a baby then I would shove these little bad boys up my "hoo-hoo" everday for the rest of my life!!
So incase you are wondering, this is what the embryos should be looking like this morning: Male & female genetic material (DNA) are contained in the 2 pronuclei seen in the center of the photo. Pretty amazing stuff isn't it?!?Oh - & another pleasant note...
I started the vaginal progesterone suppositories last night. I am taking Endometrin rather than the Prometrium & I get to enjoy these lovely little tablets 3 x's a day!!! I thought since these were "pill-like" rather than "gel-like" that they would be better but I was sadly mistaken.
Instead of my "hoo-hoo" feeling constantly gooey it now feels constantly "wet" & like water is running out of me everytime I stand up. Pleasant visual isn't it?! Sorry if that is TMI! And to think I am going to have to take these all throughout my 1st trimester :(
BUT I am not going to complain because if the end result is a baby then I would shove these little bad boys up my "hoo-hoo" everday for the rest of my life!!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Egg Retrieval
My "lucky" socksThe day has finally arrived. After all the shots, the bloat, the headaches, the mood swings, the bruised belly - it is finally time to do the egg retrieval.
"Transform anxiety into excitement; focus not on the fear of what lies ahead but instead the possibilities you might create."
This is a great quote that I read yesterday & found it to be very inspiring for todays events. Trust me, we were BOTH full of anxiety. Shane was nervous he wouldn't be able to "perform" out of his comfort-zone we call "home" & I was anxious about being under anesthesia & the entire procedure itself.
We arrived at the RE's office around 8am & got checked in. By 8:15am they were taking Shane back to do his "thang" :) Then they took me to the IVF lab where I changed into a gown, made sure to put on my "lucky socks" (picked the pink flowery ones with the lacy ruffle :), signed some paperwork & met with the anesthesiologist. He put in my IV & by the time he was finished Shane had joined me. It was 17 minutes since I last saw him - can you say my husband is a rockstar!? So much for being "shy" - must have been some good visual-aids in that room :) lol
The RE met with the both of us & went over the procedure again & I signed the consent. Next thing I know I was being taken to the procedure room. They got me all hooked up to their monitoring equipment & propped my legs up in the stirrups & then I felt it....the wonderful "high" you get when they slip the feel-good medicine in your IV. 2 minutes later I was out & woke up back in my room with my wonderful husband looking over me. The whole procedure took about 30 min & I was glad it was over with.
I remember these 3 things as I woke up:
- Kenny Chesney was playing in my room on the overhead speaker - he is my absolute favorite country singer & calms me whenever I hear his music.
- They told me they retrieved 7 eggs & I kept saying "lucky #7"!
- I looked down to see that my lucky socks were still on....and they were.
I would like to think that these 3 things are a good sign & it gives me hope that this is all going to work out for us. Tomorrow we get our 1st fertility report so we will see how many eggs were mature & how many fertilized. In the meantime, I'm going to take my pain meds & spend the rest of the day curled up in bed. Other than some moderate cramping, I am feeling pretty good.
Until tomorrow...
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