Beta #4

712

My RE wanted it to be at least 671 so we are WAY good. You know what that means?? NO MORE blood draws! YAY :) US is scheduled for Oct 10th to detect the heartbeat! Keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well until then.

Thanks to all of you ladies who have followed & responded to my posts! Your words have been encouraging, thoughtful & very helpful during this stressful time.

One more hurdle crossed....

Beta #3

381

So what I thought was a good number turns out to be "not quite where we would have liked it" according to my RE's nurse :( They want to see at least a 1.5 x's rise which would have been 389 & obviously I am not quite there...but almost. My progesterone was >20 which is good so all meds will remain the same until further notice.

So the plan is to repeat my levels on Wed & see what that shows. This is so frustrating & a pain to have to get blood drawn every 2 days. Since I am on Lovenox AND baby aspirin my arm is bruised horribly so I will definitely be glad when the blood draws are done.

On to beta #4...

Beta #2

173

Well, the number didn't exactly double but according to my RE she isn't counting me out just yet either. She said as long it rises at least 1.5 x's then she is comfortable with that which would have been at least 166 so who knows!?

I would have liked to have seen the number above 200 but it is what it is. The good news is it DID rise & it IS above the level it needed to be so maybe it is all good?!? Ugh - all I know is that being in beta limbo is making me crazy - so nerve wracking. I return on Monday for another HCG check so we will have a good idea of how this is going to play out when those results come in.

It's going to be a long weekend!!!

8dp6dt

Ok ladies, I know you have been anxiously awaiting the results so here they are:

Being the POAS addict that I am, I started testing on the 4th day post transfer & as you can see below, I got a faint line which only got darker :)

And drum roll please....

Today's beta is 109! Will repeat beta on Thursday & praying it doubles! Looks like for today I am pregnant :)

5dp6dt

Well, today is day #5 post transfer. Only three more days left until my beta.

Some of you have FB'd me, emailed me or texted me with questions on how I am doing or if I am going to test early! Well, here are are my answers:

How are you feeling? Well, so far I am feeling noticeably crampy, extremely tired - especially around 4pm the past couple of days & according to my husband very moody & snappy. I keep telling him it's the hormones I'm taking & if I end up PG that it could get worse. I think he is scared :) Other than that I don't feel any different.

Are you going to POAS before your beta? I have 4 HPT's under the bathroom cabinet that I may or may not have started using but will continue to give in to my POAS addiction a couple more days before I post the outcome. Need to keep you in suspense so you will keep checking back!

Lucky for me time is going by quickly so Tuesday will be here before I know it. Wish me luck, cross your fingers or praise the baby Jesus - whatever you feel you need to do for a good outcome on Tuesday & as always, thank you for your love & support!

xoxo - H

Polish

We had another "gift exchange" on the IF forum I'm part of & the theme this time around was nail polish. We were to buy some "lucky" nail polish for our selected person & send a little card of encouragement for their upcoming cycles.

Mine was waiting for me in the mailbox today after I came home from my FET & couldn't wait to see what I had gotten.
I love, love, love all the different colors of nail polish & my cute little pedi kit! The colors are perfect for fall! Out of them all the turquoise color is my favorite! Can't wait to try them all!

Thank you so much Elf "jillychris" for the awesome gift!

FET #2

Well, it's official.

I am PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise.

I got the call from the embryologist around 9:30am letting us know that both embryos had survived the thaw, were looking good & transfer time was set for 11am. I was so relieved to hear that they had made it through the thaw.

When we arrived they were running right on schedule so we were taken back to the transfer room right away. They verified my info & then showed us the pics of our embryos. I got a fancy new phone last week & am still trying to figure all the features out so these pics of our embies aren't the greatest but you can still get an idea of what they look like:











The embryologist was taking a long time to bring my embies in so I asked my RE if there was a problem. She assured me that everything was fine & that they were taking pictures of my embryo on the left. I guess my embie decided to be a "rockstar" & was hatching out of it's shell & she said it looked like "textbook" hatching so they wanted to get a few pictures of it. Of course that is the one pic I took that isn't clear but if you look at the embryo between 3-5 o'clock you can see it coming out of the shell. You can see the embryo on the right is just starting to hatch out if you look at 1 o'clock. Pretty fascinating!

The transfer was all over with in less than 5 minutes & all went well. I laid there for about 15 min & then went home to start my 48 hours of bed-rest. Beta will be next Tuesday - it's going to be a long 8 days!

Please say a prayer & keep your fingers crossed for us!

Ute check

Had a lovely date with the dildo cam this morning for my lining scan. Also had some blood work drawn & both checked out good. Today's findings:

*Estradiol = 228 (RE wants it b/w 200-299)

*Lining = 9.3mm (RE wants it b/w 8-10mm)

So I guess we are a "go" for the embryo transfer this Monday. The embryologist will be calling me Monday morning to let us know if the embryos survived the thaw & if so, what time to be there for the transfer. I am off of work Monday - Tuesday & looking forward to lounging around the house, catching up on the DVR, finishing the book I started a few weeks ago & being lazy.

Good news - my last Lupron shot is tonight. Bad news - my PIO shots begin tomorrow morning along with my Lovenox shots & my progesterone suppositories x 2 daily. Not looking forward to that. I had to make out a daily list of all my meds again so I can keep track of everything I have to take. This is what awaits me every morning until transfer:

Vivelle patches x 4 (every other day)
Estradiol 2 mg x 2
PIO injection
Progesterone suppository (AM)
Lovenox injection
Prenatal vitamin
Folic Acid 400 mcg
Medrol 16 mg
Z-pak tablet
Baby ASA
Progesterone suppository (PM)

Hard to believe we are only 6 days away from transfer. I can't say my feelings have changed much the closer we get to the date. I am still feeling discouraged & continue to think this isn't going to work. If anything I am more nervous & scared of the outcome than I have been in the past. Ugh - such a tough thing to go through. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Would appreciate all the prayers you can give :)

Unexpected News

A few days ago, I opened up an email from my sister which informed me that she is pregnant with baby #3 & is due in March - the same month I would have been due had FET #1 worked. Given my situation & recent loss, she felt it would be easier telling me in an email rather than in person. At that moment, I honestly don't know which was worse - finding out my sister is pregnant again so easily or finding out by an email while at work!?

I sat there as tears welled up in my eyes & a ton of emotions hit me all at once. I so was not expecting this news & I wasn't prepared for it. I left work shortly after & ended up crying all the way home. I'm not quite sure why I got so upset or felt so emotional. It was wonderful news after all. I just know at the time the news was far from wonderful for me.

THIS is what infertility has done to me. It has made me an ugly, bitter, empty, shell of a woman. It has made me question my faith & if there is even a God at all. It has made me question myself, my decisions, my mistakes & my friends. It has made me feel like a failure as a wife & now a failure as a sister. Three days went by before I could even talk to my sister & for that I feel bad. I am a horrible big sister :(

When I first read the email, I had all these emotions running through my mind. I felt:

SAD. Sad that I had such a hard time finding the happiness & excitement I should feel for my sister when I found out. Sad that she felt she couldn't share her wonderful news with me in person. Sad that my family has felt the need to "tip toe" around my sister's news as to not upset me. Sad that I will watch my niece/nephew grow up & at any given moment think to myself "that is how old our child should be".

MAD. Mad that pregnancy comes so easy for most everyone I know. Mad that I have spent the last 5 years & thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant & no baby to show for it. Mad that I have had to deal with infertility for this long.

ENVIOUS. Envious of those that already have children, those that shouldn't be having children & those that have too many children when all I want is to have one :(

ROBBED. Robbed from my dream of being a mother & being able to provide us a child.

BITTER. Bitter because this is the kind of person I have become dealing with infertility all these years & I hate it.

Infertility has been the most heartbreaking & hardest thing I have ever had to go through. But on the flip-side, it has also given me strength I didn't even know I had in me. I am really proud of myself for the way I have dealt with it all these years & I am proud of my husband for how he has dealt with all the disappointments & how he has dealt with me! If anything good has come out of this journey it would have to be that it has made my marriage stronger. And that is the ONLY thing good that has come from it.

I ended up talking to my sister this morning & was able to visit with her & talk about her pregnancy without crying my eyes out so I am making progress. What's that saying? Time heals all wounds. So true. The best thing about my sister is she gets it. She has been by my side during this journey as my cheerleader & my confidant these past few years. She understands what I have gone through & is sensitive to my feelings & for that I love her even more. She got that I needed a few days to process everything & deal & she was ok with that. I wish everyone was lucky enough to have someone like that in their life! I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

Now that some time has passed, I have dealt with my feelings, accepted what is to be & am at peace with it. I truly am happy for my sister & I am looking very forward to having another niece/nephew to spoil rotten. As much as I love my 2 nephews, this time I am secretly crossing my fingers for a niece ;) If I would have to guess, pretty sure my sister is too.

Suppression check

According to this mornings labs - I am suppressed. Beginning Thursday I will start taking the meds that help build up my uterine lining. Bring on the Estradiol tablets & Estrogen patches - we 'bout to beef this lining up!!!

And so my daily check off list of meds begins:
-Estrogen patch (every other day)
-Prenatal vitamin
-Folic Acid 400 mcg
-Baby aspirin
-Lupron injection 10 units

I think I spoke too soon the other day when I said I have been having no side effects from the Lupron. I woke up Monday morning with a migraine & ended up missing work :( Since it went away, I have had a dull, nagging headache that hasn't quit. Ugh - I hate being on Lupron. Only 13 more days to go until my last Lupron injection.

Can. Hardly. Wait.

Next up, scan to check uterine lining on Sept 5th. Stay tuned....

Update

Wow - hard to believe it has been 1 month since I last posted. That just doesn't seem possible. The summer is almost over & I am not sure where the months went. I do know that I am SO looking forward to fall which is thankfully right around the corner!

So what's new with me? Well, not that much. I was on BCP for 4 weeks & started my Lupron shots last week. So far I haven't had the awful headaches or the feeling of being in a "fog" so that has been good. I will be going in for my suppression check this Tuesday & if all goes well then I will start the estrogen patches.

In just a few short weeks we will be transferring our last 2 embryos. Not sure how I am feeling about this. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately & can't help but be preparing myself for where we go when this FET doesn't work. I know that is a horrible attitude to have but that is what months & months of one disappointment after another does to someone who is living with IF - it leaves you with no hope.

Honestly, I just feel like I am going through the motions with no emotion. I am burnt out & pretty much "over" IF. I don't expect this FET to work so therefore I'm not excited about it nor do I feel positive about it. I guess I'm just preparing myself mentally & physically for the end result.

When our FET is all said & done, as I see it we will have 3 options:
- do a fresh IVF cycle w/genetic testing of our embryos
- do an IVF cycle w/donor eggs
- do nothing & be done with this journey

I don't know that we can afford a 3rd IVF right away since we are all OOP & our RE has already suggested that if we do a fresh cycle that we don't wait as I am not getting any younger. With donor eggs, I can do a FET up to age 50 (not that I would want to wait that long) so we would have some time to pay off #2 & save some money for a new round. Who knows - I guess we don't need to decide anything for another month so why am I even pondering it!? I'm starting to ramble....sorry!

Ugh - sorry to be such a "Debbie-Downer". Just facing a dose of reality & not dealing with it very well.

I think I'll go "deal" with it over a glass of wine....

Calendar for FET #2

YAY - I got my calendar today for FET #2. I am so glad that my RE's office is quick to get back to me & doesn't mess around :)

So here is the timeline:

7/21 - start BCP
8/11: start Lupron injections
8/16: last BCP & continue Lupron
8/23: suppression check
8/25: start Estrogen patches
9/5: uterine lining check
9/6: last Lupron injection & begin Progesterone
9/12: embryo transfer day
9/20: pregnancy test

Here. We. Go. Again.