The End

Today would have been my due date for FET #2 :( 

It is the last mental reminder & mark on the calendar that I have of our journey these past 2 years & to say I am glad it is here is a relief. It is almost like the slate has now been wiped clean & I can put all of this behind me. I can now move forward with the life that has been chosen for us.

It is bittersweet for me to be closing this chapter in my life. However, these last few months have allowed me to heal mentally, accept what I can not change & look at the positives of living life without children & not dwell on the negatives. 

Honestly, the one negative that I probably will never be able to get past is when I am elderly there will be no child(ren) to visit me in the hospital, or take care of me when I can no longer take care of myself. Or when I die there will be no child(ren) of my own at my funeral or who have "preceded me in death". I think that is what bothers me the most. 

I blame how I feel on my profession. I see many elderly people in the hospital or having a procedure done with no children there & it saddens me when there isn't anyone there for them & I think "that will be me someday" :(

Other than that, I am doing well with the cards that have been dealt to us. I turn 40 in August & I have always said I would be done with this journey by then so I guess it is time. It is time to close this chapter of our lives & move on.

Over these past 2 years I have found a community of bloggers (& a few real life friends) who have struggled with infertility & these women have been such an inspiration to me as well as SO supportive. It was sometimes painful to read or hear their stories of success with treatment & trying on their own, but deep down I was always truly happy for them as I knew all too well the struggle they had gone through with getting there. Their successes are what gave me hope & their stories reminded me that I wasn't alone in this journey. 

I just want to take a minute to thank each & every one of you for being there for me & following me through all this "drama" by always offering your kind words & thoughts either on this blog, the boards on the Bump or by a text message. Your kindness has touched my heart & even though it sucks we all had to meet on a board or blog about infertility, I am so glad we did! I am hoping by having shared my story, I have been able to help others along the way or even be an inspiration to someone else - even though we didn't have our own "positive" outcome.  

I am going to be leaving this blog up & open as a resource for others but sadly I think this might very well be my last post. Our IF journey has ended & it is time for HT to move on. 

Infertility is one of the worst things a woman & a couple will have to go through. There are so many times that I wish we were not dealt these cards, but in the end, going through this has made me such a stronger person, it has brought me closer to my husband, it has made my marriage stronger, I have encountered girlfriends for life for what we have gone through & for that I will always be thankful. 

If you would like, please feel free to follow me at my non-IF blog or recipe blog.

Checking In

Well, it's been exactly 3 weeks since all the drama went down. Figured I would "check in" with you all & let you know how I have been doing. I have been keeping myself entirely too busy with work, my social life, planning a much needed getaway, yard work & doing more of the things I love to do like cooking, baking, shopping, spending time with girlfriends. I even started a new "recipe blog" which I have been wanted to do for months. Check it out for some awesome recipes from HT's kitchen & follow along as I update it weekly. Keeping busy has been exactly what I needed & mentally I am doing much better.

I saw this quote on Pinterest a couple of weeks ago & it touched me. Touched me so much I printed it out & made it a magnet to put on my fridge so I see it everyday.

I planned on being a mother to two children. That was my dream for the hubby & I when we had gotten married. The last 5 years of our marriage has been attempting that dream & now I need to put that dream aside & focus on what lies ahead. I need to begin enjoying the life that is waiting for us....without children.

My sadness has began to go away. My desire for children is slowly fading. My heart is on the mend for what I have began to realize will never be. I am slowly learning that a life without kids is going to be okay. It has to be because we are out of options & I am learning to be okay with that also.

I had two situations that happened to me in the last few weeks that opened my eyes & gave me a "peace" that everything was going to be okay.

The first one has to do with a girlfriend whom I had dinner with shortly after all the "drama" went down. She has been my "go to person" throughout our IVF journey & I have been hers offering each other support & encouraging words whenever we needed it. She is on her own IF journey struggling with DOR also. I pray daily for her & her hubby that it one day works out for them. 

After hearing me break down about how I don't know where to go from here, how I felt DE was our only chance, how I was heartbroken, etc. she tells me she has a confession to make & it was killing her keeping it from me & how she hoped it would help me to hear it. 

A couple of months ago, she had gone through IVF & it unfortunately didn't end well. She ended up with a couple of frozen embies & had a chemical pregnancy with the last two they transferred. It breaks my heart because I know all too well her devastation, pain, grief & frustration she is going through. She then confessed to me that during her IVF cycle, she responded so poorly with stims that they decided to use DE instead. They had used a young donor, got a numerous amount of eggs, they fertilized & grew well, they transferred two, froze two & still after all that ended up with no viable pregnancy.

Hearing her story helped me in more ways than she will ever know. At that moment, I had a "revelation" if you will. I realized that donor eggs are not always the answer. You spend all that money & still there is NO guarantee you will get a baby(s) out of it. It is a 50/50 shot at having a baby & 50% of the time it doesn't work. I guess I just always thought that DE was our answer & we would for sure get a baby from it but I know now that is not the case. It is not my "cure" nor is it my "answer". Honestly, like all of this it is just a crap shoot & after hearing her story I don't know that I want to take that emotional & financial gamble yet again?!

I thanked my friend for opening up & sharing with me. Having dinner with her that night changed me. Changed my thought process. Changed the way I felt about how my husband reacted to DE. Changed my outlook on the future. I like to think it was God's way of having an "intervention" with me through my girlfriend :) She was in the right spot at the right time when I needed her the most. Thank you for that my friend - xoxo!

2nd "a-ha" moment:

The co-worker I have talked about here & here came back to work from maternity leave last week. I had to stomach through everyone asking to see pictures, how the baby was doing, etc. It was tough to hear so I managed to keep my distance from her....until this past Friday.

We were scheduled to work in a room together on Friday & by 9am the way I looked at my co-worker changed. Something had set her off & she was in tears. Now we aren't close by any means & that is my own fault because for the last year I have kept my distance from her which in turn probably made her think I didn't like her. For that I feel bad because anyone who knows me personally knows I am a kind, sincere, tenderhearted person.

Anyway, I gave her a big hug & asked her what was wrong & she just spills out how tired she is, how she is mad at her husband for lack of helping out with the girls, how she is upset she is going to have to work late tonight, how dropping her baby off at daycare is so very hard every morning & on & on. I just sat there & listened to her vent because really that is all she wanted...for someone to listen.

I realized then that even though she has 2 beautiful daughters, her life isn't perfect. Everyone you know is more than likely "going through something" & it is not right of me to judge or be envious of them or what they have. Hell, she probably wishes she had my life most days. I also realized after listening to her that I need to let go of my resentment towards her & her life I so desired because honestly, after listening to her, I was thankful that wasn't me. That's right, I said it. I am thankful that isn't my life. Right now, at this moment I am pretty happy with the life I have.

That's progress ladies.

Truth

And so the truth comes out...

Turns out that my husband doesn't want to do IVF using DE's after all. He doesn't even want to go to the consult to see what they have to say. I can bet he never even asked to have the day off for the appointment because he never wanted to go in the first place. Hence the reason I had to cancel it three times. If only he would have told me this 3 months ago.

I am devastated.

In our conversation last night, my husband said that I had become "obsessed" & "consumed" & "desperate" with trying to have a baby. Hearing those words was like being stabbed in the heart. All I have ever wanted was to bring a child into this world, be a mother, have us be a family. He also said his reason for not wanting to use donor eggs was he felt like he would be having a baby with someone else. I get that & I can understand it. But if that is how he felt then why didn't he bring this up 3 months ago when I made the first appointment? Or the 2nd? I thought we have both been on the same page & had the same goal but last night I realized just how wrong I was. I can't help but feel that this was just my dream & not his.

This was going to be our very last attempt at having children of our own & now we will never know. If it didn't work, at least I would have known we did everything we possibly could have & could try to move on. Now I am at a loss & not sure where to go from here. There has always been something "next" to try or do, a new hurdle to cross & now that it has been taken away from me I feel lost & extremely sad. Hell, maybe these are words from a desperate, consumed & obsessed woman? I guess that is what IF does to you over the years. But now I can't help but feel like I am being forced to accept life without children & I am praying so very hard that I don't resent my husband in the end for it.

I am angry.

Angry at the fact we can't have children of our own, angry with my husband for not trying to understand how hard this is for me, what I am feeling or going through, angry at my body for having crappy eggs, angry that I will never be someone's mom & that I will never get to see Shane be a dad.

I'm hurt.

I feel guilty. I am carrying around this huge feeling of guilt that because of me, I will never be able to provide my husband with a child. Because of me, we will never have a family. Because of me, we will be labeled by others as the "poor couple who can't have children".

I am so frustrated & sad. I'm just not sure how to process all of this. I feel like I am grieving for the loss of a child that I never had.

After yesterday, I can honestly see how IF can tear apart marriages & damage those relationships. I am praying that God gives me the strength to get through this & that my marriage isn't damaged because of me & how I am feeling because right now I am really, really struggling.

I just never imagined that I would have been married for 8 years to such a wonderful man & never been given the opportunity to have children. All I ever wanted, as far back as I can remember, was to be a mom & now sadly I will never get that chance.

Ugh - IF is cruel & so unfair :(

Denied

For those of you anxiously awaiting results of our DE consult this Monday, I am sorry to tell you that today I had to cancel our appointment - for the 3rd time :( I know, I know.

Without going into too many details, my husband's job has always been impossible to deal with when it comes to time off & they have not been flexible at all throughout this journey. My husband had asked for the day off back in Feb when we had to cancel the 2nd time but with it being "spring break" around here, there were too many employees already off so his request was denied. Yesterday he was told that his late arrival for Monday has been denied & they are no longer willing to let him come in after our appt - hence the reason for cancelling.

To say I am disappointed is an understatement.

To say I am feeling like this is never going to happen for us is a fact.

To say I am about ready to give up on our dream of becoming parents is dead on.

I just don't feel like I have any more "fight" or hope left in me. And honestly, I really wasn't all that surprised we had to cancel this appointment nor did I show much emotion when he told me he couldn't go. I think I am realizing that we are probably nearing the end of the road in this journey we call infertility & oddly enough, I am slowly coming to terms with it.

Our new appointment is now scheduled for Monday, April 23rd. They had an appt the 1st week of April available but it was in the afternoon & I knew the a-holes at Shane's job wouldn't let him off early. He is on vacation the entire last week of April so there should be no reason why we both can't make this appt.

Bear with me ladies for yet another 5 weeks....I too am anxiously awaiting!

T-minus 14 days

14 more days until our DE consult...but who's counting??

Hard to believe that 17 days have blown by since I last posted & even harder to believe we are already 5 days into March!?

These last couple of weeks I have been in a "funk" & just not myself. My friends have noticed it, my co-workers have noticed & even the hubby said something about my mood lately. I haven't been able to figure out why I have been so grumpy & snappy & irritable....until today.

A co-worker of mine found out she was pregnant the exact same week I had my 1st FET. Unfortunately, I miscarried while she went on to have a healthy pregnancy. I have had to work with her every single day for the last 8 months & it has been torture for me watching her belly grow, listening to her complaints about nausea, fatigue, insomnia, stretch marks & swollen ankles knowing that I should have experienced all that along with her. As happy as I was for her, even her baby shower was difficult for me to be at.

She ended up giving birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl 2 weeks ago & after visiting her & Miss Samantha in the hospital an old wound had been opened once again & has been bothering me ever since.

Pretty sure this is when my "funk" started.

And to top it all off, I realized that today would have been my due date if my 1st FET would have worked :(

It's amazing how things buried deep in your subconscious can effect you so strongly. Pretty sure this has been the reason for my "Debbie Downer" attitude lately. I'm hoping now that Miss Samantha is here & I have passed what would have been due date #1 that I can snap out of this mood & get back to being myself. I just got back from a girls weekend in Vegas so that has definitely helped my soul :)

I am just really looking forward to getting past all these obstacles & getting back to my "old" self. Bring on a new consult, a new plan & a new me :)

Tag - You're It!

As I was reading through all the blogs I follow, I noticed I had been tagged by Scubagirl over at "Living With IF" to join her in a fun, little game going around "blog world". I enjoy taking part in these "getting to know you" games so thank you Scubagirl for "tagging" me :)

Here are the tagging rules:

1) post the rules
2) answer the 11 questions from the person who tagged you
3) create 11 NEW questions for the people you tag
4) tag as many people as you like & link them to your post
5) let them know they have been tagged

And here are the questions Scubagirl has asked me to answer:

1. Where is your most favorite place that you have traveled? I have traveled to a lot of places within the US but I must say that Charleston, SC is my absolute favorite. I love the history & architecture of the city, love how close it is to the beach, love the food & the southern people.

2. What is your favorite food? Mexican. I think I could eat it everyday. For a snack, I love popcorn.

3. Who cooks at home? I do all the cooking. I love to cook/bake & find it a huge stress reliever. I'm a little "weird" about my kitchen though. My husband knows the kitchen is "hands off" & he is not to come in & bother me when I am cooking or baking. Can you say control freak??

4. How often do you go out to eat? Usually 1-2 times/week.

5. What is your most favorite movie of all time? Shawshank Redemption. I think I have seen it 25 times & love it each & every time.

6. Cat or dog? Dog - preferably English Bulldogs :)

7. What flowers were in your wedding bouquet? red parrot tulips & black magic roses

8. How many of the 50 states have you been to? 25

9. What decorations do you have on the walls of your bedroom? a 46" flat screen TV, a couple of pictures & wall sconces.

10. Where did you go on your honeymoon? a bed & breakfast in the Black Hills of South Dakota

11. What is your favorite sport to watch? LOVE KU basketball

So here are the questions YOU get to answer:

1) What is your favorite TV show(s)?
2) If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would it be?
3) What is your idea of a fun, romantic date night with the hubby?
4) Do you have a "bucket list"? If so, what is one of the things on it you have completed thus far?
5) What is your favorite season?
6) What is your biggest pet peeve?
7) Do you have a favorite book you have read?
8) Do you have any pets?
9) What is your favorite candy?
10) What 3 things would you take if you knew you were going to be stranded on a deserted island & why?
11) How long have you been blogging & why did you start?

The blogs I am tagging are:

Amanda @ From Here to Maternity
Cori @ Mommy's Outlet
Jen @ Tales of the Trustems
Casey @ This Modern Love
Chrissy @ Trying To Get A Bun In My Oven

(No worries if you don't get time or want to do this :)

Taxes & Deductions

Ever since we got married 7+ years ago, the hubby & I have been going to the same H&R Block office & using the same accountant to have our taxes done. This year was no different.

We had our appointment this morning & within 45 min our accountant had all our info entered into the computer & was letting us know what the final verdict was - do we owe or don't we? Some people like to have that additional money from Uncle Sam in their paychecks every pay period but not me & Shane! We both like that big refund check at the end of the year so we make sure to adjust our tax withholding to our benefit & it has worked out to our advantage every year by doing so.

This year though we were very surprised to see that we are getting over $4000 MORE back than we did last year - YAY! We were both shocked & curious as to why we would get more back since nothing had really changed from last year?!

Our accountant said it was partly because Shane had bought a new truck & we were able to use the sales & property tax he paid as a deduction (which Shane quickly said "See honey, it was a great idea to buy a new truck after all" - whatever) but the MAIN reason was because we had twice as much in medical expenses from our IVF & 2 FET cycles to deduct this year than we did last year.

I guess it is nice to know that at the end of the year there can be something good come out of spending a ridiculous amount of money in IF expenses & have nothing to show for it!?

Unfortunately, the additional "bonus" refund will be put towards paying off our medical debt & not for anything fun :( That is the "Dave Ramsey" way & that is how we roll!

Oh well, at least it will finally be paid off....just in time to start the vicious cycle all over again if we decide to do IVF using DE this year.

Small Setback

So there has been a small setback with our donor egg consult. Shane told me this past weekend that he is unable to come to the appointment with me on Thursday due to a work conflict so we unfortunately had to reschedule :(

Looks like the new consult date will be Monday, Feb 20th. I was pleasantly surprised to hear they still had Feb appointments available as I was guessing it would be March before we could get it. So, the hubby & I are both taking the day off so we can go to H&R Block to get our taxes done, have a little lunch & then going to our consult. Might as well make a day of it!

So we wait just a few more weeks...

Update 2/2: Due to a work conflict, I had to reschedule our appointment yet again :( Now the consult is pushed back even further....March 19th! Ugh - seems so far away. I guess we have waited all our married life so what is 6 more weeks in the grand scheme of things, right?!?

New year, new plan

It's been 40 days since I last posted & I must say this little "break" we were on has done me good both physically & mentally. I've lost 5 lbs (hard to believe through the holidays), healed emotionally from our last loss & am ready to take on 2012 with a new plan - our very last & final plan.

The hubby & I ended up having "the talk" as to where we go from here & seem to be on the same page. We sat down together & I laid out all our options:

- doing nothing & living life child-free
- doing a fresh IVF cycle
- doing a donor egg IVF cycle
- adopting frozen embryos
- adoption

The hubby started off by saying he doesn't want to do just nothing. He would rather exhaust ALL options before we settle for living life child-free.

Then the hubby said he does not want to adopt. He is not crazy about adopting a child with all the unknowns (family history/medical history/mental & physical history/unknown pre-natal care, etc). I can respect his thoughts & even though I personally wouldn't mind adopting, if we can't both agree then it isn't an option. I am glad I now know his thoughts on the subject because we have never discussed adoption before. We talked about frozen embryo adoption but because of how he feels about adoption then this option is out also.

So the only other options we have are doing a fresh IVF cycle with my own eggs or with donor eggs. He asked me what I wanted to do & I told him if I had to pick between the two I would do another IVF cycle using donor eggs just because my own eggs have proven to be crappy quality. He said using donor eggs is not his first choice (my own eggs are) but he would be fine with it if we chose that option. After discussing all this, he just seems to be really adamant about having a child with at least one of our DNA.

SO - I called today to make an appointment with our RE to discuss doing IVF with donor eggs & how that whole process works. The soonest we could get in is Feb 2nd so now we wait.

We both agreed that it wouldn't hurt to "try" in the meantime just in case a miracle happens & both agreed that this would be the very last IVF cycle we do. If it doesn't work out that we have a baby out of this then we have agreed to live life without children.

A new year, a new plan - I am excited for what the new year may bring!

Randoms

1) It's been 17 days since my last post & I still don't have any new news to report. The hubby & I have still not talked about where we go from here & honestly, I'm not in any hurry to decide anything. I don't know if it is the fact that I have been so distracted & busy with other things right now or the upcoming holidays or that maybe subconsciously I don't want to deal with anything IF related right now. I do think about our options often & the "path" I think I would like for us to take seems to change every other day - depending on my mood. What I do know for sure is that I do not want to go through another IVF using my own eggs & the hubby is in agreement with this.

So I think we will wait until after the holidays to make any decisions & am hoping we can start the new & upcoming year with a new & exciting plan in place. Sorry blog-peeps, you will have to wait a little while longer to read about where our "IF-drama" will take us :)

2) We are doing a secret holiday gift exchange again on the IF forums I am on & today I received the name of my person I am to buy for. Ironically, this person has had me in the past so I look forward to buying her some cute, fun, holiday items & paying it forward!

3) Right now I am loving the Peppermint Mocha creamer, white fudge Oreo's, homemade kettle corn, the Justin Bieber X-mas album (don't be hatin') & my Solar Oil cuticle oil.

4) Christmas is 25 days away :) I have yet to buy any gifts :(

5) American Horror Story & Dexter are two of my favorite shows that I look forward to watching the most during the week.

6) Almost 5 weeks ago to the date I had my D&C. Before that time, my cycles were 33-34 days long. It's ironic that AF decided to show up today in full force on the 34th day since that drama. Glad to see I am still "regular"!?

7) Our next door neighbor "one-upped" us with their outdoor X-mas lights this year. I have yet to put ours up on the house so I am plotting my revenge this weekend! The Griswold Christmas Vacation comes to mind :)

Decisions

This made me laugh so I thought I would share:

I had my 2 week post-op appt with my fave OB/GYN on Thursday & as soon as she walked through the door she gave me a hug & apologized profusely for not being there when the drama went down. She is so awesome.

My check-up went well. Dr. S said all looked good & cleared me from all restrictions - which made the hubby a happy boy :) I found it funny that she advised us to use protection for 6 weeks just in case of a spontaneous pregnancy. I just had to laugh. She said "hey, I have seen it happen". If only we were that lucky!

We had a nice long chat about how I am doing mentally & where we possibly go from here. She also offered to send a letter to my RE so I wouldn't have to call them. My pathology report came back & she said there was nothing "abnormal" looking with the embryo but since we didn't do any other kind of testing on it she really couldn't tell me much more that. She told me to remain on my prenatals & folic acid - just incase.

::insert another laugh here::

I spent the rest of the afternoon running errands & not 2 hours later from my visit with Dr. S I get a phone call from my RE. She had talked with Dr. S & wanted to let me know how sorry she was for our loss. I thought that was a really nice gesture & was amazed yet again with Dr. S's compassion & promptness with the matter.

So, this leaves us with where we go from here. I have yet to talk with the hubby about it because we have been so busy these past couple of weeks but it will happen soon - when the time is right. I have been doing some research on my own & leaning towards one specific option & if I can get the hubby on board I think it will be the right decision for us. At least that is what my gut is feeling. I'm excited to share our decision with you all but unfortunately you will have to wait a little while longer :)

Update

Just an update to let you all know how I am doing....in case any of you were wondering!

The D&C was this morning & thankfully it was over with pretty quickly. I headed into the OR at 8:50am, Shane said the doc was talking to him by 9:30am & I was being wheeled out the door by 10:30am. The staff at the surgical center was wonderful - so caring & compassionate. My husband - a.m.a.z.i.n.g. As he was sitting with me waiting for me to go back to the OR he could tell I was nervous. He started being his funny self & had me giggling in no time which helped ease my nerves & fears. Can I just say how much I love that man!? He has been SO great though all of this.

As soon as we got home, I headed to bed. I have been having some moderate cramping & bleeding but other than that I don't feel too bad. Been staying on top of my pain pills which helps a lot & just been laying in bed all day long with the beloved furries by my side :) This is what Bubba looked like next to me the majority of the day:

Such a sweet boy! Seriously - how can you not love that smooshie face?

I am off work until Monday & then have a short week as I am leaving Friday for Wisconsin to spend some time with my sister & her family. Being around family - especially my two precious nephews next weekend will be a great way to boost my spirits & take my mind off of the events of the past few days.

Thanks to you all for your texts, emails, FB messages - I am so very thankful for your friendships, thoughts, prayers & support.

xoxo,
HT