Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The End

Today would have been my due date for FET #2 :( 

It is the last mental reminder & mark on the calendar that I have of our journey these past 2 years & to say I am glad it is here is a relief. It is almost like the slate has now been wiped clean & I can put all of this behind me. I can now move forward with the life that has been chosen for us.

It is bittersweet for me to be closing this chapter in my life. However, these last few months have allowed me to heal mentally, accept what I can not change & look at the positives of living life without children & not dwell on the negatives. 

Honestly, the one negative that I probably will never be able to get past is when I am elderly there will be no child(ren) to visit me in the hospital, or take care of me when I can no longer take care of myself. Or when I die there will be no child(ren) of my own at my funeral or who have "preceded me in death". I think that is what bothers me the most. 

I blame how I feel on my profession. I see many elderly people in the hospital or having a procedure done with no children there & it saddens me when there isn't anyone there for them & I think "that will be me someday" :(

Other than that, I am doing well with the cards that have been dealt to us. I turn 40 in August & I have always said I would be done with this journey by then so I guess it is time. It is time to close this chapter of our lives & move on.

Over these past 2 years I have found a community of bloggers (& a few real life friends) who have struggled with infertility & these women have been such an inspiration to me as well as SO supportive. It was sometimes painful to read or hear their stories of success with treatment & trying on their own, but deep down I was always truly happy for them as I knew all too well the struggle they had gone through with getting there. Their successes are what gave me hope & their stories reminded me that I wasn't alone in this journey. 

I just want to take a minute to thank each & every one of you for being there for me & following me through all this "drama" by always offering your kind words & thoughts either on this blog, the boards on the Bump or by a text message. Your kindness has touched my heart & even though it sucks we all had to meet on a board or blog about infertility, I am so glad we did! I am hoping by having shared my story, I have been able to help others along the way or even be an inspiration to someone else - even though we didn't have our own "positive" outcome.  

I am going to be leaving this blog up & open as a resource for others but sadly I think this might very well be my last post. Our IF journey has ended & it is time for HT to move on. 

Infertility is one of the worst things a woman & a couple will have to go through. There are so many times that I wish we were not dealt these cards, but in the end, going through this has made me such a stronger person, it has brought me closer to my husband, it has made my marriage stronger, I have encountered girlfriends for life for what we have gone through & for that I will always be thankful. 

If you would like, please feel free to follow me at my non-IF blog or recipe blog.