Saturday, August 27, 2011

Unexpected News

A few days ago, I opened up an email from my sister which informed me that she is pregnant with baby #3 & is due in March - the same month I would have been due had FET #1 worked. Given my situation & recent loss, she felt it would be easier telling me in an email rather than in person. At that moment, I honestly don't know which was worse - finding out my sister is pregnant again so easily or finding out by an email while at work!?

I sat there as tears welled up in my eyes & a ton of emotions hit me all at once. I so was not expecting this news & I wasn't prepared for it. I left work shortly after & ended up crying all the way home. I'm not quite sure why I got so upset or felt so emotional. It was wonderful news after all. I just know at the time the news was far from wonderful for me.

THIS is what infertility has done to me. It has made me an ugly, bitter, empty, shell of a woman. It has made me question my faith & if there is even a God at all. It has made me question myself, my decisions, my mistakes & my friends. It has made me feel like a failure as a wife & now a failure as a sister. Three days went by before I could even talk to my sister & for that I feel bad. I am a horrible big sister :(

When I first read the email, I had all these emotions running through my mind. I felt:

SAD. Sad that I had such a hard time finding the happiness & excitement I should feel for my sister when I found out. Sad that she felt she couldn't share her wonderful news with me in person. Sad that my family has felt the need to "tip toe" around my sister's news as to not upset me. Sad that I will watch my niece/nephew grow up & at any given moment think to myself "that is how old our child should be".

MAD. Mad that pregnancy comes so easy for most everyone I know. Mad that I have spent the last 5 years & thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant & no baby to show for it. Mad that I have had to deal with infertility for this long.

ENVIOUS. Envious of those that already have children, those that shouldn't be having children & those that have too many children when all I want is to have one :(

ROBBED. Robbed from my dream of being a mother & being able to provide us a child.

BITTER. Bitter because this is the kind of person I have become dealing with infertility all these years & I hate it.

Infertility has been the most heartbreaking & hardest thing I have ever had to go through. But on the flip-side, it has also given me strength I didn't even know I had in me. I am really proud of myself for the way I have dealt with it all these years & I am proud of my husband for how he has dealt with all the disappointments & how he has dealt with me! If anything good has come out of this journey it would have to be that it has made my marriage stronger. And that is the ONLY thing good that has come from it.

I ended up talking to my sister this morning & was able to visit with her & talk about her pregnancy without crying my eyes out so I am making progress. What's that saying? Time heals all wounds. So true. The best thing about my sister is she gets it. She has been by my side during this journey as my cheerleader & my confidant these past few years. She understands what I have gone through & is sensitive to my feelings & for that I love her even more. She got that I needed a few days to process everything & deal & she was ok with that. I wish everyone was lucky enough to have someone like that in their life! I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

Now that some time has passed, I have dealt with my feelings, accepted what is to be & am at peace with it. I truly am happy for my sister & I am looking very forward to having another niece/nephew to spoil rotten. As much as I love my 2 nephews, this time I am secretly crossing my fingers for a niece ;) If I would have to guess, pretty sure my sister is too.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Suppression check

According to this mornings labs - I am suppressed. Beginning Thursday I will start taking the meds that help build up my uterine lining. Bring on the Estradiol tablets & Estrogen patches - we 'bout to beef this lining up!!!

And so my daily check off list of meds begins:
-Estrogen patch (every other day)
-Prenatal vitamin
-Folic Acid 400 mcg
-Baby aspirin
-Lupron injection 10 units

I think I spoke too soon the other day when I said I have been having no side effects from the Lupron. I woke up Monday morning with a migraine & ended up missing work :( Since it went away, I have had a dull, nagging headache that hasn't quit. Ugh - I hate being on Lupron. Only 13 more days to go until my last Lupron injection.

Can. Hardly. Wait.

Next up, scan to check uterine lining on Sept 5th. Stay tuned....

Thursday, August 18, 2011


Wow - hard to believe it has been 1 month since I last posted. That just doesn't seem possible. The summer is almost over & I am not sure where the months went. I do know that I am SO looking forward to fall which is thankfully right around the corner!

So what's new with me? Well, not that much. I was on BCP for 4 weeks & started my Lupron shots last week. So far I haven't had the awful
headaches or the feeling of being in a "fog" so that has been good. I will be going in for my suppression check this Tuesday & if all goes well then I will start the estrogen patches.

In just a few short weeks we will be transferring our last 2 embryos. Not sure how I am feeling about this. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately & can't help but be preparing myself for where we go when this FET doesn't work. I know that is a horrible attitude to have but that is what months & months of one disappointment after another does to someone who is living with IF - it leaves you with no hope.

Honestly, I just feel like I am going through the motions with no emotion. I am burnt out & pretty much "over" IF. I don't expect this FET to work so therefore I'm not excited about it nor do I feel positive about it. I guess I'm just preparing myself mentally & physically for the end result.

When our FET is all said & done, as I see it we will have 3 options:
- do a fresh IVF cycle w/genetic testing of our embryos
- do an IVF cycle w/donor eggs
- do nothing & be done with this journey

I don't know that we can afford a 3rd IVF right away since we are all OOP & our RE has already suggested that if we do a fr
esh cycle that we don't wait as I am not getting any younger. With donor eggs, I can do a FET up to age 50 (not that I would want to wait that long) so we would have some time to pay off #2 & save some money for a new round. Who knows - I guess we don't need to decide anything for another month so why am I even pondering it!? I'm starting to ramble....sorry!

Ugh - sorry to be such a "Debbie-Downer". Just facing a dose of reality & not dealing with it very well.

I think I'll go "deal" with it over a glass of wine....