A few days ago, I opened up an email from my sister which informed me that she is pregnant with baby #3 & is due in March - the same month I would have been due had FET #1 worked. Given my situation & recent loss, she felt it would be easier telling me in an email rather than in person. At that moment, I honestly don't know which was worse - finding out my sister is pregnant again so easily or finding out by an email while at work!?
I sat there as tears welled up in my eyes & a ton of emotions hit me all at once. I so was not expecting this news & I wasn't prepared for it. I left work shortly after & ended up crying all the way home. I'm not quite sure why I got so upset or felt so emotional. It was wonderful news after all. I just know at the time the news was far from wonderful for me.
THIS is what infertility has done to me. It has made me an ugly, bitter, empty, shell of a woman. It has made me question my faith & if there is even a God at all. It has made me question myself, my decisions, my mistakes & my friends. It has made me feel like a failure as a wife & now a failure as a sister. Three days went by before I could even talk to my sister & for that I feel bad. I am a horrible big sister :(
When I first read the email, I had all these emotions running through my mind. I felt:
SAD. Sad that I had such a hard time finding the happiness & excitement I should feel for my sister when I found out. Sad that she felt she couldn't share her wonderful news with me in person. Sad that my family has felt the need to "tip toe" around my sister's news as to not upset me. Sad that I will watch my niece/nephew grow up & at any given moment think to myself "that is how old our child should be".
MAD. Mad that pregnancy comes so easy for most everyone I know. Mad that I have spent the last 5 years & thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant & no baby to show for it. Mad that I have had to deal with infertility for this long.
ENVIOUS. Envious of those that already have children, those that shouldn't be having children & those that have too many children when all I want is to have one :(
ROBBED. Robbed from my dream of being a mother & being able to provide us a child.
BITTER. Bitter because this is the kind of person I have become dealing with infertility all these years & I hate it.
Infertility has been the most heartbreaking & hardest thing I have ever had to go through. But on the flip-side, it has also given me strength I didn't even know I had in me. I am really proud of myself for the way I have dealt with it all these years & I am proud of my husband for how he has dealt with all the disappointments & how he has dealt with me! If anything good has come out of this journey it would have to be that it has made my marriage stronger. And that is the ONLY thing good that has come from it.
Now that some time has passed, I have dealt with my feelings, accepted what is to be & am at peace with it. I truly am happy for my sister & I am looking very forward to having another niece/nephew to spoil rotten. As much as I love my 2 nephews, this time I am secretly crossing my fingers for a niece ;) If I would have to guess, pretty sure my sister is too.