Truth

And so the truth comes out...

Turns out that my husband doesn't want to do IVF using DE's after all. He doesn't even want to go to the consult to see what they have to say. I can bet he never even asked to have the day off for the appointment because he never wanted to go in the first place. Hence the reason I had to cancel it three times. If only he would have told me this 3 months ago.

I am devastated.

In our conversation last night, my husband said that I had become "obsessed" & "consumed" & "desperate" with trying to have a baby. Hearing those words was like being stabbed in the heart. All I have ever wanted was to bring a child into this world, be a mother, have us be a family. He also said his reason for not wanting to use donor eggs was he felt like he would be having a baby with someone else. I get that & I can understand it. But if that is how he felt then why didn't he bring this up 3 months ago when I made the first appointment? Or the 2nd? I thought we have both been on the same page & had the same goal but last night I realized just how wrong I was. I can't help but feel that this was just my dream & not his.

This was going to be our very last attempt at having children of our own & now we will never know. If it didn't work, at least I would have known we did everything we possibly could have & could try to move on. Now I am at a loss & not sure where to go from here. There has always been something "next" to try or do, a new hurdle to cross & now that it has been taken away from me I feel lost & extremely sad. Hell, maybe these are words from a desperate, consumed & obsessed woman? I guess that is what IF does to you over the years. But now I can't help but feel like I am being forced to accept life without children & I am praying so very hard that I don't resent my husband in the end for it.

I am angry.

Angry at the fact we can't have children of our own, angry with my husband for not trying to understand how hard this is for me, what I am feeling or going through, angry at my body for having crappy eggs, angry that I will never be someone's mom & that I will never get to see Shane be a dad.

I'm hurt.

I feel guilty. I am carrying around this huge feeling of guilt that because of me, I will never be able to provide my husband with a child. Because of me, we will never have a family. Because of me, we will be labeled by others as the "poor couple who can't have children".

I am so frustrated & sad. I'm just not sure how to process all of this. I feel like I am grieving for the loss of a child that I never had.

After yesterday, I can honestly see how IF can tear apart marriages & damage those relationships. I am praying that God gives me the strength to get through this & that my marriage isn't damaged because of me & how I am feeling because right now I am really, really struggling.

I just never imagined that I would have been married for 8 years to such a wonderful man & never been given the opportunity to have children. All I ever wanted, as far back as I can remember, was to be a mom & now sadly I will never get that chance.

Ugh - IF is cruel & so unfair :(

Denied

For those of you anxiously awaiting results of our DE consult this Monday, I am sorry to tell you that today I had to cancel our appointment - for the 3rd time :( I know, I know.

Without going into too many details, my husband's job has always been impossible to deal with when it comes to time off & they have not been flexible at all throughout this journey. My husband had asked for the day off back in Feb when we had to cancel the 2nd time but with it being "spring break" around here, there were too many employees already off so his request was denied. Yesterday he was told that his late arrival for Monday has been denied & they are no longer willing to let him come in after our appt - hence the reason for cancelling.

To say I am disappointed is an understatement.

To say I am feeling like this is never going to happen for us is a fact.

To say I am about ready to give up on our dream of becoming parents is dead on.

I just don't feel like I have any more "fight" or hope left in me. And honestly, I really wasn't all that surprised we had to cancel this appointment nor did I show much emotion when he told me he couldn't go. I think I am realizing that we are probably nearing the end of the road in this journey we call infertility & oddly enough, I am slowly coming to terms with it.

Our new appointment is now scheduled for Monday, April 23rd. They had an appt the 1st week of April available but it was in the afternoon & I knew the a-holes at Shane's job wouldn't let him off early. He is on vacation the entire last week of April so there should be no reason why we both can't make this appt.

Bear with me ladies for yet another 5 weeks....I too am anxiously awaiting!

T-minus 14 days

14 more days until our DE consult...but who's counting??

Hard to believe that 17 days have blown by since I last posted & even harder to believe we are already 5 days into March!?

These last couple of weeks I have been in a "funk" & just not myself. My friends have noticed it, my co-workers have noticed & even the hubby said something about my mood lately. I haven't been able to figure out why I have been so grumpy & snappy & irritable....until today.

A co-worker of mine found out she was pregnant the exact same week I had my 1st FET. Unfortunately, I miscarried while she went on to have a healthy pregnancy. I have had to work with her every single day for the last 8 months & it has been torture for me watching her belly grow, listening to her complaints about nausea, fatigue, insomnia, stretch marks & swollen ankles knowing that I should have experienced all that along with her. As happy as I was for her, even her baby shower was difficult for me to be at.

She ended up giving birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl 2 weeks ago & after visiting her & Miss Samantha in the hospital an old wound had been opened once again & has been bothering me ever since.

Pretty sure this is when my "funk" started.

And to top it all off, I realized that today would have been my due date if my 1st FET would have worked :(

It's amazing how things buried deep in your subconscious can effect you so strongly. Pretty sure this has been the reason for my "Debbie Downer" attitude lately. I'm hoping now that Miss Samantha is here & I have passed what would have been due date #1 that I can snap out of this mood & get back to being myself. I just got back from a girls weekend in Vegas so that has definitely helped my soul :)

I am just really looking forward to getting past all these obstacles & getting back to my "old" self. Bring on a new consult, a new plan & a new me :)