Randoms

1) It's been 17 days since my last post & I still don't have any new news to report. The hubby & I have still not talked about where we go from here & honestly, I'm not in any hurry to decide anything. I don't know if it is the fact that I have been so distracted & busy with other things right now or the upcoming holidays or that maybe subconsciously I don't want to deal with anything IF related right now. I do think about our options often & the "path" I think I would like for us to take seems to change every other day - depending on my mood. What I do know for sure is that I do not want to go through another IVF using my own eggs & the hubby is in agreement with this.

So I think we will wait until after the holidays to make any decisions & am hoping we can start the new & upcoming year with a new & exciting plan in place. Sorry blog-peeps, you will have to wait a little while longer to read about where our "IF-drama" will take us :)

2) We are doing a secret holiday gift exchange again on the IF forums I am on & today I received the name of my person I am to buy for. Ironically, this person has had me in the past so I look forward to buying her some cute, fun, holiday items & paying it forward!

3) Right now I am loving the Peppermint Mocha creamer, white fudge Oreo's, homemade kettle corn, the Justin Bieber X-mas album (don't be hatin') & my Solar Oil cuticle oil.

4) Christmas is 25 days away :) I have yet to buy any gifts :(

5) American Horror Story & Dexter are two of my favorite shows that I look forward to watching the most during the week.

6) Almost 5 weeks ago to the date I had my D&C. Before that time, my cycles were 33-34 days long. It's ironic that AF decided to show up today in full force on the 34th day since that drama. Glad to see I am still "regular"!?

7) Our next door neighbor "one-upped" us with their outdoor X-mas lights this year. I have yet to put ours up on the house so I am plotting my revenge this weekend! The Griswold Christmas Vacation comes to mind :)

Decisions

This made me laugh so I thought I would share:

I had my 2 week post-op appt with my fave OB/GYN on Thursday & as soon as she walked through the door she gave me a hug & apologized profusely for not being there when the drama went down. She is so awesome.

My check-up went well. Dr. S said all looked good & cleared me from all restrictions - which made the hubby a happy boy :) I found it funny that she advised us to use protection for 6 weeks just in case of a spontaneous pregnancy. I just had to laugh. She said "hey, I have seen it happen". If only we were that lucky!

We had a nice long chat about how I am doing mentally & where we possibly go from here. She also offered to send a letter to my RE so I wouldn't have to call them. My pathology report came back & she said there was nothing "abnormal" looking with the embryo but since we didn't do any other kind of testing on it she really couldn't tell me much more that. She told me to remain on my prenatals & folic acid - just incase.

::insert another laugh here::

I spent the rest of the afternoon running errands & not 2 hours later from my visit with Dr. S I get a phone call from my RE. She had talked with Dr. S & wanted to let me know how sorry she was for our loss. I thought that was a really nice gesture & was amazed yet again with Dr. S's compassion & promptness with the matter.

So, this leaves us with where we go from here. I have yet to talk with the hubby about it because we have been so busy these past couple of weeks but it will happen soon - when the time is right. I have been doing some research on my own & leaning towards one specific option & if I can get the hubby on board I think it will be the right decision for us. At least that is what my gut is feeling. I'm excited to share our decision with you all but unfortunately you will have to wait a little while longer :)

Update

Just an update to let you all know how I am doing....in case any of you were wondering!

The D&C was this morning & thankfully it was over with pretty quickly. I headed into the OR at 8:50am, Shane said the doc was talking to him by 9:30am & I was being wheeled out the door by 10:30am. The staff at the surgical center was wonderful - so caring & compassionate. My husband - a.m.a.z.i.n.g. As he was sitting with me waiting for me to go back to the OR he could tell I was nervous. He started being his funny self & had me giggling in no time which helped ease my nerves & fears. Can I just say how much I love that man!? He has been SO great though all of this.

As soon as we got home, I headed to bed. I have been having some moderate cramping & bleeding but other than that I don't feel too bad. Been staying on top of my pain pills which helps a lot & just been laying in bed all day long with the beloved furries by my side :) This is what Bubba looked like next to me the majority of the day:

Such a sweet boy! Seriously - how can you not love that smooshie face?

I am off work until Monday & then have a short week as I am leaving Friday for Wisconsin to spend some time with my sister & her family. Being around family - especially my two precious nephews next weekend will be a great way to boost my spirits & take my mind off of the events of the past few days.

Thanks to you all for your texts, emails, FB messages - I am so very thankful for your friendships, thoughts, prayers & support.

xoxo,
HT

9 week US

Today was our 9 week US.

I went into this appointment hoping that after this US I would be able to start relaxing a little, start sharing our news, start getting excited to be almost to the end of the 1st trimester.

Should have known it was too good to be true.

The tech gelled up my belly & as soon as we saw the baby on the monitor we knew. There was no little flicker. There was no emotion in the tech's face. All I saw was a perfect looking little gummy-bear with no movement. And then she said the words "I'm sorry, I don't see a heartbeat."

::cue the tears::

The tech made me empty my bladder & she did a vaginal US just to verify that there truly was no heartbeat & again....nothing. Baby was measuring 8.5 weeks so she said the heart had stopped recently. I couldn't even look at Shane. He came over to me, held my hand & I couldn't see through the tears.

I just don't understand. I know it was nothing I did & I know it more than likely was genetically not able to survive but how can we get 21 embryos throughout this process & not one make it to a healthy baby!?

I slowly got dressed & sat there with Shane while the nurse went to tell my OB. I was sad for him, sad for me & then even more sad when the tech came in to tell us my OB was on vacation this week. NICE! So she asked if I would see her partner & we agreed. Dr. R went over his thoughts of the pregnancy, the scan & gave us our options. Either wait it out until I miscarry which could take weeks or have a D&C. I had decided that I am not going to wait weeks for this drama to play out so I asked for the D&C which they can thankfully do this week.

I decided to take the rest of the day off of work to process everything & Shane asked if I wanted him home with me. I told him to go to work & that I would be ok. So far he has called me 3 x's to check on me - such a sweet guy.

As far as how I am doing, right now I am ok - numb, really. I know deep down that this is the end of our journey & that makes me sad that I will never be able to give my husband a child of our own.

Not sure where we go from here but am going to take it one day at a time. For now I am waiting for the Dr's office to call & set up the D&C. Will be glad to have that behind me & start moving forward.

*Update: Dr's office just called & the D&C is scheduled for Thursday morning.

Ugh - nausea

8 weeks 6 days & the nausea has definitely set in. Carbs (especially greasy ones) are my new best friend!

I have been feeling queasy on & off for the last couple of weeks but today I had my first battle with true morning sickness. I about lost my cookies in the shower & ended up getting out quickly. I headed straight for the bed (wet hair & all) where I proceeded to lay with the fan blowing on my naked self for about 5 minutes & then slowly got back up to get ready for work. I was still queasy when I got up so I had Shane run me up a package of saltines & by the time I had gotten to work I had eaten over half the row.

I ended up feeling sick ALL. DAY. LONG. & even though I wasn't hungry, I somehow managed to choke down a small salad for lunch.

After work I had my acupuncture appointment & afterwards I was still feeling nauseated & you know what sounded really good? McDonalds!!! So I rolled through the drive-thru & ordered 2 hamburgers & a large fry & let me tell you - I devoured that value meal like I hadn't eaten in days & it was SOOOO good. I only eat McD's when I am hungover or on a road trip & both don't happen that often but for some reason the greasy food was the only thing that settled my stomach & made me feel better. Seriously - best meal ever!

I'm not going to complain because I am SO grateful to have the symptoms I am having but I am hoping the next few weeks aren't a repeat of today. I can't live off of saltines & McDonald's for that long :)

Next up: 9 week US tomorrow - stay tuned!

OB visit

So today I went & visited my OB/GYN. I called yesterday to get an appt with her & it was either today or Nov 3rd & they didn't want me to wait 3 weeks to see them so that's how I ended up seeing her so soon.

Can I just say how much I LOVE my OB? I have been seeing her for 3 years now for my GYN stuff & she is fabulous, sensitive, kind, gentle & SO compassionate. She listened to all my concerns & was like "we will do whatever you want Heather if it will make you feel better". She said anytime I am feeling at all "anxious" & want an US to check on things she said just call up the office & we will fit you in. Seriously - who does that? She also expressed how I am high-risk & that she was going to be keeping a very close eye on me so I should get used to the fact that we are going to be seeing ALOT of each other. I have an appt with her on Nov 8th & on Dec 6th & then she wants to start checking me every two weeks to make sure my cervix is staying closed, there are no signs of p-eclampsia or early labor. Like she said, we are going to see alot of each other :)

Our next US is scheduled for Oct 25th to hear the heartbeat which I will be exactly 9 weeks. Very nervous for that appt & need to put my trust in God that everything will be developing as it should & that there still is a heartbeat.

Today I am 7 weeks & it is the farthest I have ever gotten with any pregnancy. Unfortunately, I am finding it really difficult to be excited about being pregnant & feel more stressed. This is what IF has done to me. Every time I go to the bathroom (which is ALL the time) I get nervous I will see spotting. Every little cramp or twinge I think it is the start to a miscarriage. Everyday that goes by I think this just might be the last day I will be PG because surely this isn't going to last. After all that I have gone through I just can't believe that this may be actually happening for us. Then when I start to relax a little bit I begin to think of all the awful genetic defects that can go wrong with someone who is my age & I become worried all over again. It is a vicious cycle & I don't know if the feelings will ever go away.

I have been doing my acupuncture weekly which helps alleviate stress & I bought some pregnancy meditation CD's which are soothing so hoping I can keep my stress levels down. I have been taking a nap everyday after work & been going to bed early so that seems to help also.

Just trying to take it one day at a time...

1st US

This morning we had our 1st ultrasound to detect a heartbeat. Shane was excited while I on the other-hand was SO nervous & was so very nauseated. I didn't know if I was queasy from the nerves or from the morning sickness. (4 hours later & I am still queasy so I am thinking it was the m/s!)

Lucky for us, they called us back right away & 15 minutes later we had a couple of pictures & an answer!

We were able to see one sac & saw the little flicker which was the heartbeat! I was SO relieved to hear her say that there was a HB. I am measuring right on track which is 6w5d & my estimated due date is May 30th!

My RE released me today to my OB whom I am seeing tomorrow so hopefully I can get another scan scheduled in a couple weeks to hear the heartbeat. I am really sad to be leaving my RE & all her nurses who have been on this journey with us for the last year but am glad to have reached this point & be able to move on.

We are SO very cautiously excited & yet so very nervous for what is to come. We have crossed yet another hurdle but have so many more to go. At least for today we saw the HB so I am going to relax a little & enjoy the blessings of being pregnant.

Thanks again to you all for your continued prayers & support! We aren't out of the woods yet so please keep saying those prayers!

xoxo - HT :)

Delivery

These beautiful roses were sent to me last week by an old high school friend of mine whom I haven't seen in over 20 years. Sonia & I were good friends back in the day & spent a lot of time running around with our mutual friend Heather. Unfortunately, after I graduated we lost touch but a few years ago we reconnected on Facebook.

Back in April she found out about our struggles with infertility & she ended up sharing her own story of how she too struggled with IF, went through IVF & now has 2 IVF babies :) I gave her the link to this blog back then & she has been following our story ever since. She has been a wonderful friend, so very supportive & I am very thankful for that.

This beautiful bouquet arrived in the mail a few days after I found out I was pregnant & she has been rooting & praying for me ever since. They truly brightened my day & I just wanted to share....

Thank you SO very much Sonia! Your act of kindness means more to me than you will ever know :)

6 weeks

Regardless of what happens at next week's ultrasound, for today I am 6 weeks pregnant & I wanted to be sure to document it.

A lot of you have been emailing, texting or sending me messages on FB as to how I am feeling & I thank you for being concerned & checking in. So far:

- the DD's are back!! My boobs are crazy plump & extremely sore & I really wish I could go bra-less at work.
- around 4pm everyday I am beyond exhausted & have taken a late afternoon nap for the last week now.
- I am getting up no less than 3x's to pee during the night & I pee all. day. long. I'm a lean, mean, peeing machine.
- I feel slightly queasy right when I wake up, around 10am & again around 5pm. As long as I eat I feel fine.
- my gums seem to be super sensitive all of a sudden & bleed quite often when I floss. Weird...
- I am snappy, cranky, super emotional - you name it & I am feeling it. My husband is scared :)
- I am feeling mild cramping almost daily & praying it is normal.
- I have started doing my weekly acupuncture appt's again & am loving them.

That's about it. I'm not going to complain because I am so very blessed to be where I am & am hoping we will continue to be blessed going into next week. I continue to take the Estradiol, Lovenox injections, progesterone injections & suppositories, Estrogen patches, baby aspirin & of course the prenatal vitamins & folic acid. A lot of these will be discontinued when I finish the 1st trimester so crossing my fingers I will get there!

Please, please, please keep those prayers coming!!!

Beta #4

712

My RE wanted it to be at least 671 so we are WAY good. You know what that means?? NO MORE blood draws! YAY :) US is scheduled for Oct 10th to detect the heartbeat! Keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well until then.

Thanks to all of you ladies who have followed & responded to my posts! Your words have been encouraging, thoughtful & very helpful during this stressful time.

One more hurdle crossed....

Beta #3

381

So what I thought was a good number turns out to be "not quite where we would have liked it" according to my RE's nurse :( They want to see at least a 1.5 x's rise which would have been 389 & obviously I am not quite there...but almost. My progesterone was >20 which is good so all meds will remain the same until further notice.

So the plan is to repeat my levels on Wed & see what that shows. This is so frustrating & a pain to have to get blood drawn every 2 days. Since I am on Lovenox AND baby aspirin my arm is bruised horribly so I will definitely be glad when the blood draws are done.

On to beta #4...

Beta #2

173

Well, the number didn't exactly double but according to my RE she isn't counting me out just yet either. She said as long it rises at least 1.5 x's then she is comfortable with that which would have been at least 166 so who knows!?

I would have liked to have seen the number above 200 but it is what it is. The good news is it DID rise & it IS above the level it needed to be so maybe it is all good?!? Ugh - all I know is that being in beta limbo is making me crazy - so nerve wracking. I return on Monday for another HCG check so we will have a good idea of how this is going to play out when those results come in.

It's going to be a long weekend!!!

8dp6dt

Ok ladies, I know you have been anxiously awaiting the results so here they are:

Being the POAS addict that I am, I started testing on the 4th day post transfer & as you can see below, I got a faint line which only got darker :)

And drum roll please....

Today's beta is 109! Will repeat beta on Thursday & praying it doubles! Looks like for today I am pregnant :)

5dp6dt

Well, today is day #5 post transfer. Only three more days left until my beta.

Some of you have FB'd me, emailed me or texted me with questions on how I am doing or if I am going to test early! Well, here are are my answers:

How are you feeling? Well, so far I am feeling noticeably crampy, extremely tired - especially around 4pm the past couple of days & according to my husband very moody & snappy. I keep telling him it's the hormones I'm taking & if I end up PG that it could get worse. I think he is scared :) Other than that I don't feel any different.

Are you going to POAS before your beta? I have 4 HPT's under the bathroom cabinet that I may or may not have started using but will continue to give in to my POAS addiction a couple more days before I post the outcome. Need to keep you in suspense so you will keep checking back!

Lucky for me time is going by quickly so Tuesday will be here before I know it. Wish me luck, cross your fingers or praise the baby Jesus - whatever you feel you need to do for a good outcome on Tuesday & as always, thank you for your love & support!

xoxo - H

Polish

We had another "gift exchange" on the IF forum I'm part of & the theme this time around was nail polish. We were to buy some "lucky" nail polish for our selected person & send a little card of encouragement for their upcoming cycles.

Mine was waiting for me in the mailbox today after I came home from my FET & couldn't wait to see what I had gotten.
I love, love, love all the different colors of nail polish & my cute little pedi kit! The colors are perfect for fall! Out of them all the turquoise color is my favorite! Can't wait to try them all!

Thank you so much Elf "jillychris" for the awesome gift!

FET #2

Well, it's official.

I am PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise.

I got the call from the embryologist around 9:30am letting us know that both embryos had survived the thaw, were looking good & transfer time was set for 11am. I was so relieved to hear that they had made it through the thaw.

When we arrived they were running right on schedule so we were taken back to the transfer room right away. They verified my info & then showed us the pics of our embryos. I got a fancy new phone last week & am still trying to figure all the features out so these pics of our embies aren't the greatest but you can still get an idea of what they look like:











The embryologist was taking a long time to bring my embies in so I asked my RE if there was a problem. She assured me that everything was fine & that they were taking pictures of my embryo on the left. I guess my embie decided to be a "rockstar" & was hatching out of it's shell & she said it looked like "textbook" hatching so they wanted to get a few pictures of it. Of course that is the one pic I took that isn't clear but if you look at the embryo between 3-5 o'clock you can see it coming out of the shell. You can see the embryo on the right is just starting to hatch out if you look at 1 o'clock. Pretty fascinating!

The transfer was all over with in less than 5 minutes & all went well. I laid there for about 15 min & then went home to start my 48 hours of bed-rest. Beta will be next Tuesday - it's going to be a long 8 days!

Please say a prayer & keep your fingers crossed for us!

Ute check

Had a lovely date with the dildo cam this morning for my lining scan. Also had some blood work drawn & both checked out good. Today's findings:

*Estradiol = 228 (RE wants it b/w 200-299)

*Lining = 9.3mm (RE wants it b/w 8-10mm)

So I guess we are a "go" for the embryo transfer this Monday. The embryologist will be calling me Monday morning to let us know if the embryos survived the thaw & if so, what time to be there for the transfer. I am off of work Monday - Tuesday & looking forward to lounging around the house, catching up on the DVR, finishing the book I started a few weeks ago & being lazy.

Good news - my last Lupron shot is tonight. Bad news - my PIO shots begin tomorrow morning along with my Lovenox shots & my progesterone suppositories x 2 daily. Not looking forward to that. I had to make out a daily list of all my meds again so I can keep track of everything I have to take. This is what awaits me every morning until transfer:

Vivelle patches x 4 (every other day)
Estradiol 2 mg x 2
PIO injection
Progesterone suppository (AM)
Lovenox injection
Prenatal vitamin
Folic Acid 400 mcg
Medrol 16 mg
Z-pak tablet
Baby ASA
Progesterone suppository (PM)

Hard to believe we are only 6 days away from transfer. I can't say my feelings have changed much the closer we get to the date. I am still feeling discouraged & continue to think this isn't going to work. If anything I am more nervous & scared of the outcome than I have been in the past. Ugh - such a tough thing to go through. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Would appreciate all the prayers you can give :)

Unexpected News

A few days ago, I opened up an email from my sister which informed me that she is pregnant with baby #3 & is due in March - the same month I would have been due had FET #1 worked. Given my situation & recent loss, she felt it would be easier telling me in an email rather than in person. At that moment, I honestly don't know which was worse - finding out my sister is pregnant again so easily or finding out by an email while at work!?

I sat there as tears welled up in my eyes & a ton of emotions hit me all at once. I so was not expecting this news & I wasn't prepared for it. I left work shortly after & ended up crying all the way home. I'm not quite sure why I got so upset or felt so emotional. It was wonderful news after all. I just know at the time the news was far from wonderful for me.

THIS is what infertility has done to me. It has made me an ugly, bitter, empty, shell of a woman. It has made me question my faith & if there is even a God at all. It has made me question myself, my decisions, my mistakes & my friends. It has made me feel like a failure as a wife & now a failure as a sister. Three days went by before I could even talk to my sister & for that I feel bad. I am a horrible big sister :(

When I first read the email, I had all these emotions running through my mind. I felt:

SAD. Sad that I had such a hard time finding the happiness & excitement I should feel for my sister when I found out. Sad that she felt she couldn't share her wonderful news with me in person. Sad that my family has felt the need to "tip toe" around my sister's news as to not upset me. Sad that I will watch my niece/nephew grow up & at any given moment think to myself "that is how old our child should be".

MAD. Mad that pregnancy comes so easy for most everyone I know. Mad that I have spent the last 5 years & thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant & no baby to show for it. Mad that I have had to deal with infertility for this long.

ENVIOUS. Envious of those that already have children, those that shouldn't be having children & those that have too many children when all I want is to have one :(

ROBBED. Robbed from my dream of being a mother & being able to provide us a child.

BITTER. Bitter because this is the kind of person I have become dealing with infertility all these years & I hate it.

Infertility has been the most heartbreaking & hardest thing I have ever had to go through. But on the flip-side, it has also given me strength I didn't even know I had in me. I am really proud of myself for the way I have dealt with it all these years & I am proud of my husband for how he has dealt with all the disappointments & how he has dealt with me! If anything good has come out of this journey it would have to be that it has made my marriage stronger. And that is the ONLY thing good that has come from it.

I ended up talking to my sister this morning & was able to visit with her & talk about her pregnancy without crying my eyes out so I am making progress. What's that saying? Time heals all wounds. So true. The best thing about my sister is she gets it. She has been by my side during this journey as my cheerleader & my confidant these past few years. She understands what I have gone through & is sensitive to my feelings & for that I love her even more. She got that I needed a few days to process everything & deal & she was ok with that. I wish everyone was lucky enough to have someone like that in their life! I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

Now that some time has passed, I have dealt with my feelings, accepted what is to be & am at peace with it. I truly am happy for my sister & I am looking very forward to having another niece/nephew to spoil rotten. As much as I love my 2 nephews, this time I am secretly crossing my fingers for a niece ;) If I would have to guess, pretty sure my sister is too.

Suppression check

According to this mornings labs - I am suppressed. Beginning Thursday I will start taking the meds that help build up my uterine lining. Bring on the Estradiol tablets & Estrogen patches - we 'bout to beef this lining up!!!

And so my daily check off list of meds begins:
-Estrogen patch (every other day)
-Prenatal vitamin
-Folic Acid 400 mcg
-Baby aspirin
-Lupron injection 10 units

I think I spoke too soon the other day when I said I have been having no side effects from the Lupron. I woke up Monday morning with a migraine & ended up missing work :( Since it went away, I have had a dull, nagging headache that hasn't quit. Ugh - I hate being on Lupron. Only 13 more days to go until my last Lupron injection.

Can. Hardly. Wait.

Next up, scan to check uterine lining on Sept 5th. Stay tuned....

Update

Wow - hard to believe it has been 1 month since I last posted. That just doesn't seem possible. The summer is almost over & I am not sure where the months went. I do know that I am SO looking forward to fall which is thankfully right around the corner!

So what's new with me? Well, not that much. I was on BCP for 4 weeks & started my Lupron shots last week. So far I haven't had the awful headaches or the feeling of being in a "fog" so that has been good. I will be going in for my suppression check this Tuesday & if all goes well then I will start the estrogen patches.

In just a few short weeks we will be transferring our last 2 embryos. Not sure how I am feeling about this. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately & can't help but be preparing myself for where we go when this FET doesn't work. I know that is a horrible attitude to have but that is what months & months of one disappointment after another does to someone who is living with IF - it leaves you with no hope.

Honestly, I just feel like I am going through the motions with no emotion. I am burnt out & pretty much "over" IF. I don't expect this FET to work so therefore I'm not excited about it nor do I feel positive about it. I guess I'm just preparing myself mentally & physically for the end result.

When our FET is all said & done, as I see it we will have 3 options:
- do a fresh IVF cycle w/genetic testing of our embryos
- do an IVF cycle w/donor eggs
- do nothing & be done with this journey

I don't know that we can afford a 3rd IVF right away since we are all OOP & our RE has already suggested that if we do a fresh cycle that we don't wait as I am not getting any younger. With donor eggs, I can do a FET up to age 50 (not that I would want to wait that long) so we would have some time to pay off #2 & save some money for a new round. Who knows - I guess we don't need to decide anything for another month so why am I even pondering it!? I'm starting to ramble....sorry!

Ugh - sorry to be such a "Debbie-Downer". Just facing a dose of reality & not dealing with it very well.

I think I'll go "deal" with it over a glass of wine....

Calendar for FET #2

YAY - I got my calendar today for FET #2. I am so glad that my RE's office is quick to get back to me & doesn't mess around :)

So here is the timeline:

7/21 - start BCP
8/11: start Lupron injections
8/16: last BCP & continue Lupron
8/23: suppression check
8/25: start Estrogen patches
9/5: uterine lining check
9/6: last Lupron injection & begin Progesterone
9/12: embryo transfer day
9/20: pregnancy test

Here. We. Go. Again.

Post FET Consult

It is truly amazing how quickly the weeks go by when you aren't following a calendar day by day. Has it really been almost 2 weeks since I last posted? It is almost a relief to have a little "break" in the ever-continuous cycle & just live life without worrying about "did I already take my aspirin?" or "what time is it? I need to do my injection" or "who is around to give me my PIO shot?"

It has been a great little break & I have been super busy occupying my time these past couple of weeks doing lots of FUN things with my girlfriends! Definitely good for my soul! You can check out what I have been up to here :)

So today was the post failed-FET consult. The hubby unfortunately couldn't get out of work & I hated to cancel the appointment & wait another 2-3 weeks to get in so I went by myself with my list of questions in hand. My RE didn't really say to much about this cycle other than YAY I was able to get pregnant & BOO it was a chemical pregnancy. She said for my age & having DOR it is unfortunately the luck of the draw.

I had asked about our other 2 frosties & what were the chances of them being just as shitty-quality as the others & she said "honestly Heather, I can't tell you that since we didn't do the genetic testing on them. They may not "look" as good as the other four did but that doesn't mean they are chromosomally abnormal. I have definitely seen not so good-looking embryos turn into viable, healthy pregnancies. It basically is the luck of the draw".

There's those words again - "luck of the draw". Ugh - have I told you that I hate gambling? Seems that all these cycles have been a gamble & I am just waiting for that big win!

So then I asked her what the next step would be for us if this FET doesn't work out & if we proceed with ART. Here is what she said:

a) We could do another fresh IVF cycle (#2 with this clinic & #3 overall) & she highly recommended doing PGD screening of all embryos on day 3 to rule out chromosome & genetic disorders. Unfortunately, it also comes with a price tag of $5000 additional to the IVF fees :( But on the plus side we would know for sure which embryo's are viable BEFORE transferring & which are not which would save us the cost of doing a FET of bad embryos along with the emotional turmoil in the future.

b) We could skip a fresh IVF cycle using my own eggs & move right into a cycle using an egg donor.

c) We could decide that this is the end of our IF journey & live life with no biological children & perhaps pursue other options like adoption or living our lives without children.

Our RE felt that we should wait on options b & c. She says that even though I will be 39 yo next month, my FSH was only 9 so I still have some "time" left to do another fresh IVF cycle with my own eggs. Also because they do egg donor cycles on women up to 50 years old. (Wow - can't imagine being in my late 40's doing this!?) She felt that another fresh IVF cycle would give us just as many or possibly more embryos & after doing the PGD screening on them we would know for sure we would be transferring good quality embryos.

So, after all that was discussed I told Dr. B that we want to get started on the FET #2 as soon as we can & if that fails then we will talk about our options & what we want to do. She said the NP will call me with the dates & a calendar so I am hoping it is very soon....as in tomorrow!

So that is where we are at - hope to be starting FET #2 this week & hoping for a "win"!

Hello AF

HCG on Thursday was 19 & today:

This morning I was 5 weeks & 4 days pregnant & this afternoon it is over. So bittersweet. On the one hand I am thankful this didn't drag on but on the other I am now having to face the reality that this pregnancy is definitely over.

Glad that I am now finally able to deal with it & move forward.

Inspired

For the last 3 days, I have heard this song every morning when I am leaving the house & every evening on my way home from work. Coincidence? Who knows? I would like to think it is "the big man upstairs" way of helping me deal & get through the day.

Anyways, it is called "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless - one of my favorite Christian groups. The words are very inspiring - especially for anyone who is going through a difficult time. I know it has helped me get through the last few days & just wanted to share.

To all my girlfriends dealing with IF, or a recent loss or just struggling in general, this song is for you. Listen to the words - they are pretty powerful...

HCG #4

19.6

At least my levels are coming down quickly - what a relief! I was getting worried this may end up being ectopic but that doesn't seem to be the case! I am to report back in one week for HCG #5 & hopefully it will be at 0!

Ugh - being in "hcg limbo" totally sucks. Hopefully I shouldn't have to wait too long for AF to show up! The nurse called & told me to stop all my meds (been there, done that 2 days ago) & to schedule my post consult appointment.

So our WTF appointment is scheduled for July 20th & we will more than likely jump right in to FET #2. Will be glad when this emotional roller-coaster ride is over.

HCG results #3

66.6

I don't even know what to say or how to feel right now. I am so pissed, frustrated, sad - you name it & I am feeling it.

The nurse told me to continue my meds & we will redraw the HCG on Thursday to see where we are at but I'm not sure why I need to continue them? With a result like that I know where this is going. Besides, I am out of PIO & estrogen patches & I am tired of going broke spending money on IF meds that produce no baby so I am making an executive decision & I am stopping all my meds today. What's the point of going through all this when I know in my heart how this is going to end? Why prolong the inevitable? Even if the number does continue to rise, this isn't going to be a viable pregnancy. Staying on the meds would just be torture so I am done!

I'm not sure where we go from here. It is too upsetting to even think about right now. The hubby wants to sit down & talk about it tonight. I feel so bad for him that I have F'd up eggs & I can't give him a child! It just isn't fair.

I know we still have 2 frosties left but we transferred the best 2/4 last week & they didn't make it so why would the other two make it? I just don't want to be on this emotional roller coaster anymore. I am SO over all of this IF shit & I want to either have a family or move on without one.

I'm just so tired of being stuck in limbo, tired of enduring all of this & just plain tired of dealing with IF.

HCG results #2

61 :(

It didn't double but it did rise which the nurse said was a good sign. She also said they like to see a rise of 1.5 - 2 x's in 48 hours which it did & at this point it really could go either way. Next HCG is Tuesday.

At this point I don't know what to think. I am trying to stay positive but I ain't gonna lie - it is really hard! I am so frustrated right now. After the emotional rollercoaster I have been on these last 2 years, why can't something just go easily for once?

Ugh - and so we wait....again!!!

HCG results

39.9

Not the highest number in the world but anything >5 is considered positive so I guess as of today I am officially pregnant!

Next beta is Friday morning so will be saying lots of prayers for a doubling number!

Ugh - this is so stressful!

Confession

I've been keeping a secret.

I broke down Sunday morning after my 5dp6dt post & started peeing on sticks.

Um - by the looks of it I think I might be pregnant :)

The true test will be the HCG blood test which is tomorrow so could you all please say a little prayer for a high number!? I would very much appreciate it!

Oh & for those of my friends & family who read my blog if you wouldn't mind, could you please keep this little tidbit of info on the "down-low"? I've got such a LONG way to go & many hurdles to get over before we start sharing the news. Thanks so much!

OMG - this just might be happening for real!!

5dp6dt

So today I am 5 days post 6 day transfer.

So far, so good. There has been no spotting & no "feeling" like AF is around the corner. I have been having some mild cramping, my boobs are really sore & I am SO tired in the afternoons. I have taken a nap each day for the last 4 days & I am so not a "nap" person. Pretty sure that is due to all the estrogen & progesterone I am taking.

With the FET cycle, there seems to be ALOT more meds I have to take post transfer than with an IVF cycle. Here is what my daily dose of medication looks like:

Morning:
- Vivelle - (estrogen) 4 patches every other day
- Estrace 2mg
- Progesterone vaginal suppository 100 mg
- PIO injection 50 mg/1ml
- Baby ASA 81mg
- Prenatal vitamins
- folic acid 400 mcg

Afternoon:
- Estrace 2mg

Evening:
- Progesterone vaginal suppository 100 mg
- Lovenox injection
- Estrace 2mg

I was worried I would forget to take something so I had to make a daily chart & now highlight the meds as I take them - yes I am a bit OCD :)

Not sure when I will POAS. I have a whole box of them under my sink just waiting to be peed on :) I will definitely be testing the morning of my beta just so I am prepared for the phone call later in the morning but I just may be tempted to POAS earlier!?

::sigh::

We will see...

FET done

After 3 weeks of BCP, 2 weeks of Lupron injections, 2 weeks of Estrogen patches & 1 week of Progesterone injections, transfer day is finally here!

The morning started out crazy-busy. I took my sister & adorable nephews to the airport this morning & said goodbye after 4 days of much fun & lots of running around. Right after I dropped them off I got the call from the Embryologist letting me know that the first 2 embryos they thawed had survived so those would be the ones we would be transferring today. So that means that we still have 2 frosties left :) I was SO happy to hear this news. Gives me one more ounce of hope that if for some reason this cycle doesn't work then we still have one more chance.

After stopping at the airport I then rushed off to my acupuncture appointment & had a super relaxing session. Definitely what I needed after such a busy weekend! Afterwards I headed on over to the IF clinic for the FET. I ended up meeting my husband in the lobby, popped my Valium & we headed into the clinic. Our transfer was scheduled for 11:30am but they were running behind so we sat there for almost an hour waiting. Needless to say the Valium kicked in while sitting there & I was falling asleep on my husbands shoulder. At 12:30pm they finally called us back to do the transfer & I was WAY relaxed.

We were taken back to the transfer room & got to view our embryos on the monitor. Here are our potential future babies:












They couldn't fit both embryos on the monitor so that is why there are two separate pics. I had asked the Embryologist about the grade/quality of the embies & I was a bit disappointed when she wouldn't give me a straight answer. It gave me the feeling that they weren't very good quality & she just didn't want to tell me. All she said was that they were good quality with some fragmentation & they quality was unchanged since before the freeze. So I have no idea how good they are but to me it looks like the one on the bottom looks better quality than the one on the top!? I know perfectly fine babies come from all kinds of "grade embryos" so I am going to not worry about it & just leave it in God's hands now.

The transfer itself was easy & went flawless. Dr. R said there was no trauma to the cervix when inserting the catheter & that the transfer went perfectly. I laid there for about 15 min after it was all said & done then headed home where I proceeded to take a 3 hour nap. Now I am just chillin' on the couch catching up on blogs & DVR shows. I am to stay on bed rest through Thursday morning when I am to return to work.

So now we wait 8 long days. Beta is Wed, June 29th so here is to a speedy week with lots of growing & sticky embie vibes sent along the way.

Ute check

This morning I went in for my bloodwork & endometrium uterine lining scan. Labs came back with Estradiol being a smidge low & Progesterone was within normal range. With the low Estradiol my RE wants me to start taking Estrace 2mg 3x's daily starting today to bump up the estrogen levels. More Estrogen = more hot flashes - fabulous :)

Next up - a date with the dildo cam. As I am sitting there half-naked :) I said a little prayer that we would find my lining to be nice & thick with no ovarian cysts. Just then the NP walked in. To my surprise it wasn't my usual NP but rather my very favorite NP from the other IF clinic I used to go to. I was SO happy & excited to see her & she instantly gave me a hug! She is the NP who did ALL of my scans during the 6 IUI attempts & my failed IVF cycle so she was VERY familiar with my history & it felt so comforting to have her there. I was shocked to find out she had quit over there & has been working at this clinic for over 4 weeks now. It was definitely a nice surprise & so nice to see a familiar face who knows all about my journey these past 2 years.

After much catching up, we eventually started the scan. I am happy to report that I have no cysts, my ovaries are nice & suppressed & she said "you have a nice, thick, juicy (lol) uterine lining showing a beautiful triple stripe & measuring a little over 11mm". I am so glad & relieved to hear all is progressing well in the uterus :)

So the plan is to stop Lupron on Thursday - YAY, start the Estrace today, continue with the Estrogen patches & on Thursday start the Progesterone IM injections & suppositories - BOO! And in-between all that I will start taking the Dexamethasone & a Z-pack.

At my last WTF appt, I talked in great detail with my RE about trying a blood-thinner after the ET & with my 2 m/c & failed cycles she thought it wouldn't be a bad idea & couldn't hurt to try. So we agreed to go ahead & do Heparin injections 2x's daily starting Thursday & will continue those indefinitely. FET is still scheduled for late morning next Tuesday!

We are exactly one week away...woo hoo!

*Update: I stopped into the pharmacy after work tonight to pick up my Estrace & Heparin & they informed me that they are out of stock of Heparin so they called my RE & ended up switching me to Lovenox. Only one injection a day - yay! She said as things progress, they may switch me back to Heparin since the half-life is so much shorter than Lovenox. So we will see...

Re-check

Good news!

Had my blood drawn again this morning to recheck levels & my progesterone came back at 1.0 & Estradiol remained <20.

Fully suppressed - woo hoo!

So today is officially CD 1 of my FET cycle. The plan is to decrease the Lupron injections back to 10 units & start the Vivelle (estrogen) patches. I am to return on June 14th for a blood draw & an US to check my uterine lining to be sure it is thickening. If that checks out ok then we will proceed with the FET at 11am on June 21st.

We are getting closer - yay :)

Suppressed?!

So far this cycle has been easy-peasy. Other than the side effects from the Lupron, there hasn't been much to complain about. We are exactly three weeks away from transfer day & I am starting to look forward to the possibilities this cycle may bring.

Some of you have asked how many embryos we are going to transfer with 4 frosties left & up until now we hadn't really decided. But after talking it over with our RE & the hubby & not being able to come to a decision we are going to leave it in the hands of God - so to speak.

The RE would like to see us transfer 3. We aren't really comfortable with that many & would like to only transfer 2. So we have decided to thaw the 2 best embryos first & if they both make it then those are the 2 we transfer. If one of them doesn't make it then we have asked that they thaw the other two & we will transfer how ever many survive the thaw. That could be 3 or it could be 1 or could even be none. For reasons I can't really explain, I would rather not leave one little lonely frostie behind so that is why we would thaw them all if one doesn't make it. What I am hoping & praying will happen is the first two make it through the thaw & then we will have 2 frosties left for another chance down the road. Time will tell...

This morning I had my labs drawn so that they can be sure I am "suppressed" enough before I start the estrogen patches on Friday.

I just got the call that my Estradiol was <20 which is good but my progesterone was slightly elevated. They want to see it <1.0 & mine was 1.1 - hardly enough to call it elevated in my opinion! So I have been instructed to increase the Lupron from 10 to 20 units & recheck levels Friday morning. Not too thrilled about increasing the Lupron but I guess I have no choice. If my levels come back within range on Friday then I can start decreasing the Lupron & start the Estrogen patches. Cross your fingers!

I also started my acupuncture sessions back up today - oh how I have missed these appointments! I had forgotten how relaxing they are & how good I feel afterwards! I plan on going once a week up until FET, will do a session the day of & the day after FET & will continue throughout the 1st trimester if I am lucky enough to get PG. It's too bad acupuncture is so expensive because I would definitely be going a lot more than just once a week!

Update

So far I have completed 3 weeks of BCP & am on Day 5 of Lupron injections. My boobs are enormous, I have a headache that won't quit, I am irritable, cranky & the hot flashes/night sweats have begun. To say I am a moody bitch is an understatement. My husband is dealing with it the best he can & I am sure he is thankful he works nights! He is truly a saint for putting up with my hormonal craziness. Oh how I love that man.

Tomorrow will be my last BCP. And as much as the hubby has enjoyed looking at my new D-cups, I am SO looking forward to getting back to my C's :) I will be staying on the Lupron for another 2 weeks so that is sure to be fun & then the PIO injections & suppositories begin - more fun.

We are now exactly 4 weeks away until transfer day. Getting closer....

Benefits

Got to sleep in this morning & arose out of bed at 9am. The hubby greeted me with a hug & a "Happy Furry-Mother's Day" along with a cup of coffee - such a sweet guy! I also got tons of smooches from the furry's! I then proceeded to sit down with my coffee, outside on the patio with the birds chirping, the sun bright & do some blogging. Ahhhh - fabulous morning :)

The day is now coming to an end as I sit here enjoying my evening on the patio, I think about the meaning of today & how it is a special day to honor mom's. Unfortunately, it is also a day that brings a bitter reminder to all those who have suffered through infertility & loss.

This time last year I was upset, sad & felt devastated that I wasn't yet a mom. This year I don't have quite the negative feelings but it does still bother me. Somehow I feel a bit mellower about the whole situation - maybe it's because I have been dealing with infertility for so long!? Or maybe it's because I have changed my attitude!? Or maybe it's because I have grown to realize that it is what it is & I can't change the cards that have been dealt to me?!

Regardless of what it is, lately I have decided to do away with my "poor-me" attitude & instead enjoy this childless life I live rather than resent it. I have come to realize that there are many benefits to having children, but on the flip side, there are just as many to NOT having them & I am going to enjoy these benefits until my status changes. My sister (who is a mother of 2 boys - 3 & 1 yrs old) is always reminding me of these benefits:

1. Sleeping in on weekends!

2. Ability to spend money freely – have you seen my Coach purse collection?!

3. I can choose to work late nights & take extra call on weekends & not feel guilty about it.

4. I can spend many summer evenings on the patio reading or blogging with the furry's beside me.

5. The hubby & I can go out for lunch/dinner & enjoy the company of just the two of us.

6. I am able to spend time doing the hobbies I love by myself - reading, gardening, shopping, etc.

7. I can meet the girls after work for dinner or a quick drink on any given evening.

8. My car is always clean & if it is dirty it is because of me & me only!

9. I can lay around on a lazy Sunday & watch movies ALL DAY if I want!

10. When I leave the house, all I need are my keys & my purse & I am out the door in 2 minutes.

11. I can plan weekend getaway's with my hubby or girlfriends at any time.

12. I can enjoy late "game-night" with the girls every month while enjoying a cocktail or two because I know I get to sleep in the next morning!

Now don't get me wrong - I enjoy my child-free "benefits" LOTS & some might even be envious of the life we lead, but don't think I wouldn't gladly trade all of it in a skinny minute if it meant I could be a mother. Maybe this time next year I will get to be so truly blessed but until then, I will continue to enjoy my life children-free & be "mom" to my furry's that love me so unconditionally.

With that said, I want to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful women in my family - especially my own mother, to all my girlfriend's who are mom's & mom's-to-be, to all the other honorary mom's out there & we can't forget all us "pet" mom's :) May you all enjoy this beautiful day with those that matter most to you!

Hugs to you all,
HT :)
Me & my mom

Results

Just got the lab results of my 13 vials of blood they drew on me last week - aka: auto-immune & RPL panel.

Normal.

Every single one of them was within normal limits.

As relieved as I am to not have a clotting disorder, diabetes, lupus, thyroid issues or any other auto-immune or clotting problems, I am disappointed that there wasn't something definite found to explain WHY I can't get pregnant :(

Turns out I'm about as normal as you can get & so the diagnosis stays the same - crappy eggs + crappy reserve = crappy cycle. So we will see what Dr. B says about the results & see if she still wants to put me on heparin or Lovenox come transfer time!? At this point, what do we have to lose???

CD 1 - here.we.go

Today is CD 1. So you know what that means - time to get another cycle started :)

I called my NP to let her know AF has made her appearance & she sent me the calendar for our FET cycle. If everything goes as planned, we are looking to do the transfer on June 21st. That seems SO far away to me but I am sure the time will fly by - at least I am hoping it does!?

So here is the timeline:
5/3: start BCP
5/19: start Lupron injections
5/24: last BCP & continue Lupron
5/31: suppression check
6/3: start Estrogen patches
6/14: uterine lining check
6/15: last Lupron injection & begin Progesterone
6/21: transfer day :)

So let the mood swings, the headaches, the hot flashes, the night sweats, the irritableness & the "Lupron Fog" begin. Because this time.....this time we are going to kick IF's ass :)

FET Consult & WTF

So yesterday was the FET consult & our WTF appt. I am amazed at how fast 3 weeks has flown by. Glad to have the wait behind me & looking forward to putting on my boxing gloves & fighting another round.

So first was the failed IVF consult. After reviewing everything, Dr. B said she was disappointed in our outcome & couldn't have asked for better results from this IVF cycle based on my age & the protocol she used. We ended up with 2 high-quality embies to transfer & 4 frosties & she was VERY happy about that. So with so-called "perfect" embryos, why did it not work?

Dr. B explained to us that even though the embryo's can look "perfect" they may not be chromosomally perfect & the only way to know that is to do PGD testing. Unfortunately, we opted not to do this testing since it added an additional $6000 on to the bill. She also told us that for women my age (>38yo) that 90% of the eggs that are left have chromosome abnormalities. So of the 11 embryos we had to start with then only 1-2 embryos would probably be viable & result in a live birth. So I pray out of the 4 we have left that we have a couple of "non-chromosomally-challenged" embies to transfer since the other 7 didn't make it. There has to be at least one good one, right???

I also asked about checking for auto-immune issues & doing RPL blood-work. Dr. B checked my chart & said I had a partial workup done in the past at the clinic I was at before which were all normal results & she agreed it would be a good idea to do a full workup for both the auto-immune & RPL. Just incase there is a piece of the puzzle we are missing.

So this morning I stopped by the clinic on my way to work to have those drawn - 13 vials worth! The results should be back sometime next week. Dr. B also said that regardless of the results, she would put me on Heparin or Lovenox injections after the FET just as a precautionary measure. Her reasoning was that the AI blood-work doesn't test for ALL auto-immune disorders & 5 years ago a lot of these disorders were unheard of. In 5 more years there will be even more auto-immune disorders being discovered. So to cover all bases & since it can't hurt, she is going to have me do the blood-thinning injections & continue them through the 1st trimester if we are lucky enough to get pregnant. So we will have to just wait & see what the results are & go from there.

I asked about possible uterine problems & Dr. B informed us that more than likely this wasn't an issue. My HSG was normal & my lining was excellent. The transfer was smooth, with no problems & no bleeding.

Dr. B also had reviewed our remaining embryos with the Embryologist & said we have 1 expanded blast, 1 blastocyst with <10% fragmentation & 2 blastocysts with <20% fragmentation. She suggested we transfer 3 embryos & her reasoning was after looking at all their data/statistics from past years they have never had someone my age get pregnant with triplets after transferring 3 embryos. Twins? yes Could I be the first at my age to conceive triplets? yes My chances of triplets? slim

So that pretty much covered all my questions. Now we wait to see the results of the blood-work & go from there. Bottom line is I have diminished ovarian reserve & my eggs are crappy-quality. That's it. Oh & I'm old ;)

Now onto the FET cycle. We will begin this round when AF gets here which should be sometime next weekend. I ovulated on CD 11 this month which is about 6 days earlier than usual so AF may be arriving sooner!? Another waiting game...

Looks like the FET cycle will be MUCH easier than a fresh IVF cycle! Once I get AF I will receive my calendar with definite dates but we are estimating the FET to be around the 1st or 2nd week of June. I will have to take BCP for a couple of weeks along with Lupron for 4 weeks (the devil) & Estrogen patches until PG is confirmed. And not only will I have to do the IM progesterone shots again but I have to do the suppositories as well 2x's/daily! Ugh - a sore ass AND a messy hoo-hoo :( NICE.

I am planning on starting the acupuncture back up when I get my calendar. I think it really helped with relaxation & besides, I miss my Acupuncturist :( She is SO sweet & SO down-to-earth. Love her.

So that about sums up the appointment. Lots of things covered, questions were answered & yet another plan in place. I am feeling good about it. This game ain't over just yet...

Walk

Click here to help me reach my goal!

WOW - there are only 7 more days left to reach my goal of $500 for the March for Babies walk & I am asking for your help. Won't you please consider sponsoring me as I walk for such a great cause? I would very much appreciate it & so would the babies :)

To make a donation, click on the link above!

Thank you so very much for your support!
HT

Reaction

About a week after I stopped the PIO (progesterone in oil) injections, I developed a weird rash on my left butt cheek where the injections were given:
Kind of gross-looking isn't it? The bumps look like hives, they sometimes itch, they don't ooze & it seems to come & go. I've been putting hydro-cortisone cream on it but it doesn't seem to be helping. We have our WTF appt this Wed & I'm going to ask the NP to take a look at it. I'm not sure if it is an allergic reaction to the sesame oil or the preservative in the PIO or something else? My right cheek looks fine.

Has anyone who has done PIO injections seen or heard of this happening at the IM site? Whatever it is, I just want it to go away.

WTF appt

Well, the WTF appointment had to be rescheduled because I couldn't get away from work so our appt is now Wed, April 27th. That was the soonest we could get in. I am also on the "cancellation-list" so if somebody cancels their appt it could be sooner. Crossing my fingers this happens. It feels that 3 weeks is a long time to wait but when I think about it, I have spent my last 4 years "waiting" so what is another 3 weeks in the grand scheme of things?!

I have been doing a little research as to WTF is going on with our failed cycles & have gotten some input from the lovely ladies on the IF forum as to what kind of questions to bring to the table. So far I am going to ask about these topics & if they might pertain to me:

-recurrent pregnancy loss workup
-autoimmune disorders
-autoimmune &/or alloimmune implantation dysfunction
-immunologic workup & treatment options
-antiphospholipid syndrome

Diagnosing these issues is simply done through lab work. The treatment for the autoimmune & antiphospholipid issues are basically steroids & SQ shots of Heparin or Lovenox so not too bad of a treatment. I had an RPL workup done almost 2 years ago but not exactly sure what was all tested so I am going to be sure to ask.

So that is what I got so far. If any of you reading this can think of anything else I should ask about, please leave a comment.

And on another note, AF showed up today in full force. Sure didn't take long for that biotch to set up shop! Figures...

The fat lady is singing...

You know that phrase "it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings"??? Well, the fat lady is singing :(

Woke up this morning & had no spotting. Actually thought that maybe...just maybe it could be a positive result after all!? POAS & it was negative. Went in for my beta, got to work, went to the bathroom & bright red blood. Not just a little bit but TONS of it (sorry TMI)! I was crushed. I had my moment, dusted myself off & proceeded to go back to work. I knew in my heart it was over before I even got the results.

Fast forward to lunchtime. Still no call. I had taken my patient up to their room & was surprised to see a very dear friend of mine working today. We seem to never be at the hospital on the same day so I was SO happy & blessed to have run into her - especially today. She is also going through her 1st IVF in the next couple of weeks & goes to the same clinic as I do. We have sent many a text to each other & have been very supportive of each other these past couple of months. I told her about the events this morning & she gave me a huge hug. Cue the tears :( I lost it. We got to talking about everything & God love that girl she got me laughing & I love her for that. She will never know how much that hug & her just being there at that moment meant to me. (actually she reads my blog so now she knows - thank you SO much JJ! xoxo)

Ironically, during our conversation I received the phone call. "So sorry to tell you...stop all your meds...schedule your WTF appt soon....blah, blah, blah". Unfortunately, I have heard it all once before & let me tell you - it stings just the same the 2nd time around.

So, where do we go from here?

I called the clinic to schedule our WTF appt & they just so happened to have a cancellation tomorrow morning. Lucky us. So we are going to that appt to discuss everything & figure out our plans for our frozen embryo transfer. Not sure if we will jump into that right away or maybe wait a cycle before we proceed. We will see what tomorrow brings. Right now, I just need to get through today.

7dp5dt

Reality has set in & I am starting to accept what isn't going to be.

I was crampy all day yesterday & started having brown/reddish-brown spotting yesterday afternoon & as of this morning it is still present. A devastating reminder of how my last IVF cycle ended up! I am upset, disappointed, frustrated, sad - you name it I am feeling it. I haven't told Shane yet about the spotting because I don't want to worry him so I will just wait until the results of my beta tomorrow to tell him the news :(

I have spent the last 24 hours consulting Dr. Google trying to find some glimmer of hope that all this cramping/spotting will result in a BFP but the signs just aren't pointing there. Yes, some spotting is supposed to be normal but not the amount that I have been having nor is it normal to be spotting while taking PIO injections.

I know we have 2 more chances with our frozen embryo's but right now I am on the verge of giving up all hope. I am beginning to think that something is wrong with my body & that maybe I am just not meant to have children. I want so badly for tomorrow to get here so I can be told my beta was negative & move on to the next cycle.

This is such an emotional roller-coaster & I just want off the ride :(

A Mama's Love

Since my last post was such a "Debbie-Downer" I thought I should post something a little more positive. If this doesn't warm your heart, then I don't know what will.

Ever since I first heard about this a week ago, I am strangely addicted. Maybe fascinated would be a better word?!

There are three baby eagles about to hatch any day now & they are capturing this live on the web. The Raptor Resource Project in Iowa has set up two cameras perched 80 feet high in a cottonwood tree where the mother eagle has her nest. They will provide live streaming of the nest through all three eggs hatching. The group says at such high resolution, viewers should be able to see cracks forming in the eggs before they hatch. The eggs are expected to hatch between March 30 and April 1.

As of 10am this morning there is one baby eagle that has hatched & he is so stinkin' cute! I actually had tears in my eyes when I saw him & saw the mama eagle lovin' on him. Sweetest thing ever!

If you watch the mama eagle for even a short bit of time, you will quickly see how strong a mother's love is for her babies. She is VERY protective. Any little sound she hears & she is looking all around to check out what it is & where it is coming from. She doesn't get up too much but when she does the cameras zoom in on the eggs & baby eagle so we can see if any progress is being made with the hatching. She is often seen using her beak to turn the eggs & to fluff up the nest & to watch her settle in on top of the eggs is kind of comical. Takes her forever to get settled in!

If you are really lucky, you will see papa eagle come by & visit! He will also relieve mama (which I got to see this morning) so she can find something to eat & he will perch on top of the eggs until she gets back. It's like watching the changing of the guards. It is a pretty awesome thing to see & they are such beautiful birds!

With the sound of nature all around, watching this live streaming is relaxing & can be hypnotizing. I am somewhat embarrassed to say it, but I probably check in on the mama eagle like 20 x's a day. It is pretty neat so if you got some time, check it out. I bet you keep coming back :)

http://www.kwch.com/kwch-watch-iowa-eagles-about-to-hatch-20110331,0,439272.htmlstory

*If you go to the page & find it is off-air, be sure to check back later.

5dp5dt

Today I am 5dp5dt.

The unsettling feeling of "this didn't work" is starting to kick in & I am trying to stay positive but I ain't gonna lie - it is difficult. Perhaps I am just preparing myself for the end result to turn out negatively!? As a coping mechanism I think we all do that. In our minds we always prepare for the worst.

I started having AF-like cramps yesterday & they are still present this morning. My breasts aren't sore, my back doesn't hurt, I'm not bloated & there is no spotting. I just have the mild cramping which of course is making me think the worst & I can't help but to expect spotting every time I go to the bathroom. It is seriously making me crazy.

A lot of you have asked me if I am going to POAS before my beta & the answer is yes. For me, I need to be mentally prepared for what the answer is going to be on Tuesday since I will be at work when I get the phone call. So I am going to POAS that morning & then get my beta drawn at 7:30am & await the call.

I can't tell you enough how nervous I am for the result. I don't fear hearing a negative result but rather I fear having to go through the sadness & disappointment of another failed cycle - again! I fear having spent thousand's of dollars with nothing to show for it - again. I fear having to tell my husband that it didn't work - again. I know I can handle the disappointment but to see it in my husband's eyes is what kills me. Last time I feel like a failed him & I am sure I will feel the same if we have to endure this again. The only thing that will keep me going is the fact we have 4 snowbabies left.

Ugh - this is just so hard. Mentally, emotionally, physically. God please give me the strength to get through these next 3 days.

Marchin' for Babies

This is a picture of Miss Ava born at 32 weeks to one of my bestest girlfriends Stacey. I posted about her early arrival here. She spent 6+ weeks in the NICU & in the past 6 months has grown, thrived & turned into this cute little precious chunk-a-licious diva: I am so excited to be a part of this years March of Dimes-March for Babies walk. This cause is very important & very special to me. I have unfortunately had several girlfriends who delivered preemies & have experienced first hand the complications that can arise from being born too soon & the amazing efforts that are put forth to save these babies. Miss Ava is living proof of that!

I am proud to be a team member of the Woodland Ridge Racers which consists of girlfriends from my neighborhood - aka: the "game-night" girls. The walk will be held on May 1st in downtown KC & my personal goal is to raise $500. I'm hoping all of you who follow my blog can help make that happen.

I would love if the blog world would rally together & help out this very important cause. If you feel it right in your heart to donate, please follow the MOD link on the right. Every little bit helps & even small amounts add up to make a huge difference. All donations go directly to MOD and their research.

Help us make sure all babies are born healthy. Help us celebrate the little miracles that have made it & honor the ones who were lost.

Thank you - Heather :)