Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The End

Today would have been my due date for FET #2 :( 

It is the last mental reminder & mark on the calendar that I have of our journey these past 2 years & to say I am glad it is here is a relief. It is almost like the slate has now been wiped clean & I can put all of this behind me. I can now move forward with the life that has been chosen for us.

It is bittersweet for me to be closing this chapter in my life. However, these last few months have allowed me to heal mentally, accept what I can not change & look at the positives of living life without children & not dwell on the negatives. 

Honestly, the one negative that I probably will never be able to get past is when I am elderly there will be no child(ren) to visit me in the hospital, or take care of me when I can no longer take care of myself. Or when I die there will be no child(ren) of my own at my funeral or who have "preceded me in death". I think that is what bothers me the most. 

I blame how I feel on my profession. I see many elderly people in the hospital or having a procedure done with no children there & it saddens me when there isn't anyone there for them & I think "that will be me someday" :(

Other than that, I am doing well with the cards that have been dealt to us. I turn 40 in August & I have always said I would be done with this journey by then so I guess it is time. It is time to close this chapter of our lives & move on.

Over these past 2 years I have found a community of bloggers (& a few real life friends) who have struggled with infertility & these women have been such an inspiration to me as well as SO supportive. It was sometimes painful to read or hear their stories of success with treatment & trying on their own, but deep down I was always truly happy for them as I knew all too well the struggle they had gone through with getting there. Their successes are what gave me hope & their stories reminded me that I wasn't alone in this journey. 

I just want to take a minute to thank each & every one of you for being there for me & following me through all this "drama" by always offering your kind words & thoughts either on this blog, the boards on the Bump or by a text message. Your kindness has touched my heart & even though it sucks we all had to meet on a board or blog about infertility, I am so glad we did! I am hoping by having shared my story, I have been able to help others along the way or even be an inspiration to someone else - even though we didn't have our own "positive" outcome.  

I am going to be leaving this blog up & open as a resource for others but sadly I think this might very well be my last post. Our IF journey has ended & it is time for HT to move on. 

Infertility is one of the worst things a woman & a couple will have to go through. There are so many times that I wish we were not dealt these cards, but in the end, going through this has made me such a stronger person, it has brought me closer to my husband, it has made my marriage stronger, I have encountered girlfriends for life for what we have gone through & for that I will always be thankful. 

If you would like, please feel free to follow me at my non-IF blog or recipe blog.


Lauren said...

Heather, you're an inspiration to me. Thank you for your constant support through my journey. You will always remain in a special place in my heart. I'm so sorry and sad that your journey has come to an end, but I am so happy that you are able to find peace. IF is life altering. You have fought so hard and with such strength that now I hope you can find the happiness you deserve. Give those pups a big kiss everyday!

Amanda said...

You will remain on my heart. I will never understand why things are the way they are in life sometimes. You deserve nothing bu the best in life, and I can't wait to see all of the other joys and celebrations that you share on your personal blog!

Anna said...

Heather, I'm so sorry to see you stop blogging here but I do understand why. I have hope that unexpected surprises are in store for you and that you have the utmost joy in your life. ((((HUGS)))) Much love to you, friend.

Lydia said...

Oh Heather, my heart breaks for you. I have been following your journey for years and I had so hoped that things had turned out differently. I hope that you find peace with the new direction that your life has taken. You have so much love to give, and I also hope that you can find an outlet for all that generosity of spirit.

Anonymous said...

Hi Heather, I just stumbled onto your blog after a google search and just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your struggle. I am in the same boat and the emotional roller coaster that infertility puts us through is cruel and unfair. I can understand your desire to move on to the next chapter of your life without children. Infertility tends to put everything else in our lives on hold, and there's only so much holding we can take before needing to move on. I do want to recommend to you that before completely closing the door on fertility treatments, that you try a consult with CCRM in Colorado. They have some of the best stats in the country and use cutting edge technology with a state of the art lab that have blessed many couples with children after many unsuccessful years of trying to conceive. Many of their patients have exhausted all of their options at their local clinics and are at the same stage in their struggle as you are right now before trying one last time at CCRM. Whatever you decide, I hope you find peace in your decision and I wish you all the best.