Calendar for FET #2

YAY - I got my calendar today for FET #2. I am so glad that my RE's office is quick to get back to me & doesn't mess around :)

So here is the timeline:

7/21 - start BCP
8/11: start Lupron injections
8/16: last BCP & continue Lupron
8/23: suppression check
8/25: start Estrogen patches
9/5: uterine lining check
9/6: last Lupron injection & begin Progesterone
9/12: embryo transfer day
9/20: pregnancy test

Here. We. Go. Again.

Post FET Consult

It is truly amazing how quickly the weeks go by when you aren't following a calendar day by day. Has it really been almost 2 weeks since I last posted? It is almost a relief to have a little "break" in the ever-continuous cycle & just live life without worrying about "did I already take my aspirin?" or "what time is it? I need to do my injection" or "who is around to give me my PIO shot?"

It has been a great little break & I have been super busy occupying my time these past couple of weeks doing lots of FUN things with my girlfriends! Definitely good for my soul! You can check out what I have been up to here :)

So today was the post failed-FET consult. The hubby unfortunately couldn't get out of work & I hated to cancel the appointment & wait another 2-3 weeks to get in so I went by myself with my list of questions in hand. My RE didn't really say to much about this cycle other than YAY I was able to get pregnant & BOO it was a chemical pregnancy. She said for my age & having DOR it is unfortunately the luck of the draw.

I had asked about our other 2 frosties & what were the chances of them being just as shitty-quality as the others & she said "honestly Heather, I can't tell you that since we didn't do the genetic testing on them. They may not "look" as good as the other four did but that doesn't mean they are chromosomally abnormal. I have definitely seen not so good-looking embryos turn into viable, healthy pregnancies. It basically is the luck of the draw".

There's those words again - "luck of the draw". Ugh - have I told you that I hate gambling? Seems that all these cycles have been a gamble & I am just waiting for that big win!

So then I asked her what the next step would be for us if this FET doesn't work out & if we proceed with ART. Here is what she said:

a) We could do another fresh IVF cycle (#2 with this clinic & #3 overall) & she highly recommended doing PGD screening of all embryos on day 3 to rule out chromosome & genetic disorders. Unfortunately, it also comes with a price tag of $5000 additional to the IVF fees :( But on the plus side we would know for sure which embryo's are viable BEFORE transferring & which are not which would save us the cost of doing a FET of bad embryos along with the emotional turmoil in the future.

b) We could skip a fresh IVF cycle using my own eggs & move right into a cycle using an egg donor.

c) We could decide that this is the end of our IF journey & live life with no biological children & perhaps pursue other options like adoption or living our lives without children.

Our RE felt that we should wait on options b & c. She says that even though I will be 39 yo next month, my FSH was only 9 so I still have some "time" left to do another fresh IVF cycle with my own eggs. Also because they do egg donor cycles on women up to 50 years old. (Wow - can't imagine being in my late 40's doing this!?) She felt that another fresh IVF cycle would give us just as many or possibly more embryos & after doing the PGD screening on them we would know for sure we would be transferring good quality embryos.

So, after all that was discussed I told Dr. B that we want to get started on the FET #2 as soon as we can & if that fails then we will talk about our options & what we want to do. She said the NP will call me with the dates & a calendar so I am hoping it is very soon....as in tomorrow!

So that is where we are at - hope to be starting FET #2 this week & hoping for a "win"!

Hello AF

HCG on Thursday was 19 & today:

This morning I was 5 weeks & 4 days pregnant & this afternoon it is over. So bittersweet. On the one hand I am thankful this didn't drag on but on the other I am now having to face the reality that this pregnancy is definitely over.

Glad that I am now finally able to deal with it & move forward.

Inspired

For the last 3 days, I have heard this song every morning when I am leaving the house & every evening on my way home from work. Coincidence? Who knows? I would like to think it is "the big man upstairs" way of helping me deal & get through the day.

Anyways, it is called "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless - one of my favorite Christian groups. The words are very inspiring - especially for anyone who is going through a difficult time. I know it has helped me get through the last few days & just wanted to share.

To all my girlfriends dealing with IF, or a recent loss or just struggling in general, this song is for you. Listen to the words - they are pretty powerful...

HCG #4

19.6

At least my levels are coming down quickly - what a relief! I was getting worried this may end up being ectopic but that doesn't seem to be the case! I am to report back in one week for HCG #5 & hopefully it will be at 0!

Ugh - being in "hcg limbo" totally sucks. Hopefully I shouldn't have to wait too long for AF to show up! The nurse called & told me to stop all my meds (been there, done that 2 days ago) & to schedule my post consult appointment.

So our WTF appointment is scheduled for July 20th & we will more than likely jump right in to FET #2. Will be glad when this emotional roller-coaster ride is over.

HCG results #3

66.6

I don't even know what to say or how to feel right now. I am so pissed, frustrated, sad - you name it & I am feeling it.

The nurse told me to continue my meds & we will redraw the HCG on Thursday to see where we are at but I'm not sure why I need to continue them? With a result like that I know where this is going. Besides, I am out of PIO & estrogen patches & I am tired of going broke spending money on IF meds that produce no baby so I am making an executive decision & I am stopping all my meds today. What's the point of going through all this when I know in my heart how this is going to end? Why prolong the inevitable? Even if the number does continue to rise, this isn't going to be a viable pregnancy. Staying on the meds would just be torture so I am done!

I'm not sure where we go from here. It is too upsetting to even think about right now. The hubby wants to sit down & talk about it tonight. I feel so bad for him that I have F'd up eggs & I can't give him a child! It just isn't fair.

I know we still have 2 frosties left but we transferred the best 2/4 last week & they didn't make it so why would the other two make it? I just don't want to be on this emotional roller coaster anymore. I am SO over all of this IF shit & I want to either have a family or move on without one.

I'm just so tired of being stuck in limbo, tired of enduring all of this & just plain tired of dealing with IF.

HCG results #2

61 :(

It didn't double but it did rise which the nurse said was a good sign. She also said they like to see a rise of 1.5 - 2 x's in 48 hours which it did & at this point it really could go either way. Next HCG is Tuesday.

At this point I don't know what to think. I am trying to stay positive but I ain't gonna lie - it is really hard! I am so frustrated right now. After the emotional rollercoaster I have been on these last 2 years, why can't something just go easily for once?

Ugh - and so we wait....again!!!