Thursday, August 18, 2011


Wow - hard to believe it has been 1 month since I last posted. That just doesn't seem possible. The summer is almost over & I am not sure where the months went. I do know that I am SO looking forward to fall which is thankfully right around the corner!

So what's new with me? Well, not that much. I was on BCP for 4 weeks & started my Lupron shots last week. So far I haven't had the awful
headaches or the feeling of being in a "fog" so that has been good. I will be going in for my suppression check this Tuesday & if all goes well then I will start the estrogen patches.

In just a few short weeks we will be transferring our last 2 embryos. Not sure how I am feeling about this. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately & can't help but be preparing myself for where we go when this FET doesn't work. I know that is a horrible attitude to have but that is what months & months of one disappointment after another does to someone who is living with IF - it leaves you with no hope.

Honestly, I just feel like I am going through the motions with no emotion. I am burnt out & pretty much "over" IF. I don't expect this FET to work so therefore I'm not excited about it nor do I feel positive about it. I guess I'm just preparing myself mentally & physically for the end result.

When our FET is all said & done, as I see it we will have 3 options:
- do a fresh IVF cycle w/genetic testing of our embryos
- do an IVF cycle w/donor eggs
- do nothing & be done with this journey

I don't know that we can afford a 3rd IVF right away since we are all OOP & our RE has already suggested that if we do a fr
esh cycle that we don't wait as I am not getting any younger. With donor eggs, I can do a FET up to age 50 (not that I would want to wait that long) so we would have some time to pay off #2 & save some money for a new round. Who knows - I guess we don't need to decide anything for another month so why am I even pondering it!? I'm starting to ramble....sorry!

Ugh - sorry to be such a "Debbie-Downer". Just facing a dose of reality & not dealing with it very well.

I think I'll go "deal" with it over a glass of wine....


Anna said...

I'm so sorry. Please don't give up hope just yet. Hang in there and know there are lots of people out here in blogworld praying for you. (((HUGS)))

Cori said...

I don't know what to say except that I am here supporting you and praying for you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Anonymous said...

I came across this as I am in a similar position, just embarking on Fet #2. I had a pretty good breakdown after fet #1 failed and have been having a hard time believing we have any hope with #2. My acupuncturist pointed me to circle+bloom (check out their site) and I bought the ivf meditation series. I know it sounds ridiculous and is usually not my thing, but from the very first day it helped me relax and be positive and actually believe we might have a chance.....and I'm hoping positivity is just what I'm missing to help #2 stick! Good luck, I really hope you get that baby (or two!)

Desiree said...

You cope how you cope and it's all okay. Don't be down on yourself for how you're coping - it's what's keeping you out of the loony bin right now.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and I know that whatever path you choose will be the right path for you.

In the meantime, I'll keep hope for you. I know sometimes that particular burden can be a little too much to handle, so it's nice to have friends to pinch-hit when you need it, you know?


LCSween said...

Your in my thoughts and prayers, Heather! I'm rooting for a great success this cycle. Don't get down on yourself for feeling the way you have been through so much and are so strong.

MH said...

I second the circle + bloom recommendation- I am about to start FET #1 after IVF #1 failed, and I use circle + bloom mind/body program to keep me sane!

Also, we had PGD done on our embryos (I have a chromosome inversion) so if you get to that point and you have any questions feel free to reach out! (P.s.- you won't get to that point b/c this FET will be THE ONE!!)

Michelle said...

Sorry I'm just now reading this update! I've been thinking about you and wondering where you were at with your FET cycle. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and I will be praying so hard that this is a success and you don't have to think about the 'what if'. You are so strong!