Saturday, August 27, 2011

Unexpected News

A few days ago, I opened up an email from my sister which informed me that she is pregnant with baby #3 & is due in March - the same month I would have been due had FET #1 worked. Given my situation & recent loss, she felt it would be easier telling me in an email rather than in person. At that moment, I honestly don't know which was worse - finding out my sister is pregnant again so easily or finding out by an email while at work!?

I sat there as tears welled up in my eyes & a ton of emotions hit me all at once. I so was not expecting this news & I wasn't prepared for it. I left work shortly after & ended up crying all the way home. I'm not quite sure why I got so upset or felt so emotional. It was wonderful news after all. I just know at the time the news was far from wonderful for me.

THIS is what infertility has done to me. It has made me an ugly, bitter, empty, shell of a woman. It has made me question my faith & if there is even a God at all. It has made me question myself, my decisions, my mistakes & my friends. It has made me feel like a failure as a wife & now a failure as a sister. Three days went by before I could even talk to my sister & for that I feel bad. I am a horrible big sister :(

When I first read the email, I had all these emotions running through my mind. I felt:

SAD. Sad that I had such a hard time finding the happiness & excitement I should feel for my sister when I found out. Sad that she felt she couldn't share her wonderful news with me in person. Sad that my family has felt the need to "tip toe" around my sister's news as to not upset me. Sad that I will watch my niece/nephew grow up & at any given moment think to myself "that is how old our child should be".

MAD. Mad that pregnancy comes so easy for most everyone I know. Mad that I have spent the last 5 years & thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant & no baby to show for it. Mad that I have had to deal with infertility for this long.

ENVIOUS. Envious of those that already have children, those that shouldn't be having children & those that have too many children when all I want is to have one :(

ROBBED. Robbed from my dream of being a mother & being able to provide us a child.

BITTER. Bitter because this is the kind of person I have become dealing with infertility all these years & I hate it.

Infertility has been the most heartbreaking & hardest thing I have ever had to go through. But on the flip-side, it has also given me strength I didn't even know I had in me. I am really proud of myself for the way I have dealt with it all these years & I am proud of my husband for how he has dealt with all the disappointments & how he has dealt with me! If anything good has come out of this journey it would have to be that it has made my marriage stronger. And that is the ONLY thing good that has come from it.

I ended up talking to my sister this morning & was able to visit with her & talk about her pregnancy without crying my eyes out so I am making progress. What's that saying? Time heals all wounds. So true. The best thing about my sister is she gets it. She has been by my side during this journey as my cheerleader & my confidant these past few years. She understands what I have gone through & is sensitive to my feelings & for that I love her even more. She got that I needed a few days to process everything & deal & she was ok with that. I wish everyone was lucky enough to have someone like that in their life! I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

Now that some time has passed, I have dealt with my feelings, accepted what is to be & am at peace with it. I truly am happy for my sister & I am looking very forward to having another niece/nephew to spoil rotten. As much as I love my 2 nephews, this time I am secretly crossing my fingers for a niece ;) If I would have to guess, pretty sure my sister is too.


Casey // this modern love. said...

That is such incredibly painful news to have to process. Do NOT beat yourself up over the emotions that are attached to that. It's a wonderful thing that you can recognize your own strength in a heartbreaking situation. You will get there, in one way or another. Do not lose hope. xoxo.

Cori said...

I'm sorry. And you are NOT a bad person for feeling all of those very valid emotions. You are tired of it all, and you're worn out. But you're also strong, and such a loving sister. When my BFF had her first baby, I couldn't even go to the hospital---I called her bawling and told her that it was just more than I could do at that moment. I felt awful for that. But you know, you cope as much as you can, and then it's about self-preservation. That's all you were doing, taking those few days for yourself, trying to cope. Heather, when you hold your baby, no matter if it's biological, or adopted, or whatever, you will know that this was all worth it. It's all about timing, and your baby just isn't here yet. Don't give up. You're in a valley now, but you won't always be. This situation is temporary, although it must feel never-ending. Don't lose faith. Love you and praying for you.

Desiree said...

What Cori said.

Also, all these feelings are so valid and necessary and it's such a good thing that you are allowing them to flow through you and you're able to process. THAT, is why you're NOT bitter and ugly about all this. Feeling bitter feelings doesn't make you a bitter person. It's when you bury things and put on a happy face and you're not true to yourself that is the most damaging.

I'm so sorry for all of this - I just hate it for you and I wish I could take you out and get you drunk and make you laugh.


LCSween said...

You are NOT a bad person and your feelings are honest. I will never forget my feelings when my sister told me she was pregnant. I was so sad that I couldn't automatically be happy for her. IF really does test every ounce of who you are. Heather, you are so incredibly strong and such a beautiful person. You will be a mom.

Nickie said...

I can't say anything better or more eloquently than what has already been expressed. But just know that you are amazing. For so may reasons, you have amazed me. Over these many years of friendship. Have watched you evolve as a woman and as a human. You are one of the last people I would ever consider mean, bitter, selfish or anything of the sort. You are dealing with a f'ing awful situation that is totally unfair and down right cruel...and in my opinion you have done it with grace and elegance.
Hang in there honey. Things don't always work out the way we want....but they do work out. You will be a mom. I have no doubt.

Dandle Dreams said...

You are not a bad person or a bad sister. I have gone through exactly the same emotions myself, feeling as if another woman has stolen my child. You are grieving a great loss, take care of yourself.