Checking In

Well, it's been exactly 3 weeks since all the drama went down. Figured I would "check in" with you all & let you know how I have been doing. I have been keeping myself entirely too busy with work, my social life, planning a much needed getaway, yard work & doing more of the things I love to do like cooking, baking, shopping, spending time with girlfriends. I even started a new "recipe blog" which I have been wanted to do for months. Check it out for some awesome recipes from HT's kitchen & follow along as I update it weekly. Keeping busy has been exactly what I needed & mentally I am doing much better.

I saw this quote on Pinterest a couple of weeks ago & it touched me. Touched me so much I printed it out & made it a magnet to put on my fridge so I see it everyday.

I planned on being a mother to two children. That was my dream for the hubby & I when we had gotten married. The last 5 years of our marriage has been attempting that dream & now I need to put that dream aside & focus on what lies ahead. I need to begin enjoying the life that is waiting for us....without children.

My sadness has began to go away. My desire for children is slowly fading. My heart is on the mend for what I have began to realize will never be. I am slowly learning that a life without kids is going to be okay. It has to be because we are out of options & I am learning to be okay with that also.

I had two situations that happened to me in the last few weeks that opened my eyes & gave me a "peace" that everything was going to be okay.

The first one has to do with a girlfriend whom I had dinner with shortly after all the "drama" went down. She has been my "go to person" throughout our IVF journey & I have been hers offering each other support & encouraging words whenever we needed it. She is on her own IF journey struggling with DOR also. I pray daily for her & her hubby that it one day works out for them. 

After hearing me break down about how I don't know where to go from here, how I felt DE was our only chance, how I was heartbroken, etc. she tells me she has a confession to make & it was killing her keeping it from me & how she hoped it would help me to hear it. 

A couple of months ago, she had gone through IVF & it unfortunately didn't end well. She ended up with a couple of frozen embies & had a chemical pregnancy with the last two they transferred. It breaks my heart because I know all too well her devastation, pain, grief & frustration she is going through. She then confessed to me that during her IVF cycle, she responded so poorly with stims that they decided to use DE instead. They had used a young donor, got a numerous amount of eggs, they fertilized & grew well, they transferred two, froze two & still after all that ended up with no viable pregnancy.

Hearing her story helped me in more ways than she will ever know. At that moment, I had a "revelation" if you will. I realized that donor eggs are not always the answer. You spend all that money & still there is NO guarantee you will get a baby(s) out of it. It is a 50/50 shot at having a baby & 50% of the time it doesn't work. I guess I just always thought that DE was our answer & we would for sure get a baby from it but I know now that is not the case. It is not my "cure" nor is it my "answer". Honestly, like all of this it is just a crap shoot & after hearing her story I don't know that I want to take that emotional & financial gamble yet again?!

I thanked my friend for opening up & sharing with me. Having dinner with her that night changed me. Changed my thought process. Changed the way I felt about how my husband reacted to DE. Changed my outlook on the future. I like to think it was God's way of having an "intervention" with me through my girlfriend :) She was in the right spot at the right time when I needed her the most. Thank you for that my friend - xoxo!

2nd "a-ha" moment:

The co-worker I have talked about here & here came back to work from maternity leave last week. I had to stomach through everyone asking to see pictures, how the baby was doing, etc. It was tough to hear so I managed to keep my distance from her....until this past Friday.

We were scheduled to work in a room together on Friday & by 9am the way I looked at my co-worker changed. Something had set her off & she was in tears. Now we aren't close by any means & that is my own fault because for the last year I have kept my distance from her which in turn probably made her think I didn't like her. For that I feel bad because anyone who knows me personally knows I am a kind, sincere, tenderhearted person.

Anyway, I gave her a big hug & asked her what was wrong & she just spills out how tired she is, how she is mad at her husband for lack of helping out with the girls, how she is upset she is going to have to work late tonight, how dropping her baby off at daycare is so very hard every morning & on & on. I just sat there & listened to her vent because really that is all she wanted...for someone to listen.

I realized then that even though she has 2 beautiful daughters, her life isn't perfect. Everyone you know is more than likely "going through something" & it is not right of me to judge or be envious of them or what they have. Hell, she probably wishes she had my life most days. I also realized after listening to her that I need to let go of my resentment towards her & her life I so desired because honestly, after listening to her, I was thankful that wasn't me. That's right, I said it. I am thankful that isn't my life. Right now, at this moment I am pretty happy with the life I have.

That's progress ladies.