Saturday, April 2, 2011

5dp5dt

Today I am 5dp5dt.

The unsettling feeling of "this didn't work" is starting to kick in & I am trying to stay positive but I ain't gonna lie - it is difficult. Perhaps I am just preparing myself for the end result to turn out negatively!? As a coping mechanism I think we all do that. In our minds we always prepare for the worst.

I started having AF-like cramps yesterday & they are still present this morning. My breasts aren't sore, my back doesn't hurt, I'm not bloated & there is no spotting. I just have the mild cramping which of course is making me think the worst & I can't help but to expect spotting every time I go to the bathroom. It is seriously making me crazy.

A lot of you have asked me if I am going to POAS before my beta & the answer is yes. For me, I need to be mentally prepared for what the answer is going to be on Tuesday since I will be at work when I get the phone call. So I am going to POAS that morning & then get my beta drawn at 7:30am & await the call.

I can't tell you enough how nervous I am for the result. I don't fear hearing a negative result but rather I fear having to go through the sadness & disappointment of another failed cycle - again! I fear having spent thousand's of dollars with nothing to show for it - again. I fear having to tell my husband that it didn't work - again. I know I can handle the disappointment but to see it in my husband's eyes is what kills me. Last time I feel like a failed him & I am sure I will feel the same if we have to endure this again. The only thing that will keep me going is the fact we have 4 snowbabies left.

Ugh - this is just so hard. Mentally, emotionally, physically. God please give me the strength to get through these next 3 days.

4 comments:

Casey // align my heart, my body, my mind said...

You can do it! I've been following your blog for a few weeks now. Just hang on and be strong. Hoping for the best for you! Good luck.

LCSween said...

You're almost there!!! I can't wait til Tuesday!!!

10yearstogether said...

Sending my prayers that it worked this time. Hang in there!
-OCW2010

Cori said...

I hate that you're playing the waiting game, and I am so sorry for the stress of it. I get it. I will be praying for you to have peace, no matter what the outcome, but begging God for a positive outcome!
And fyi, when I got pg with Aidan, I started cramping and spotting before my beta. I did not POAS b/c I just knew it would be negative. I cried through my beta. And then I was pg. So don't get discouraged yet.
Also, I know that you're worried about Shane, but I bet if we could look inside Shane's head he is far more worried about you. He will be okay if he knows you are okay. You will always pull each other through, and this is not you letting him down. Do you think this is him letting you down? I bet not. Just because you're carrying the embies doesn't make this more your responsibility, and Shane knows that.
No matter what happens Tuesday remember that it has passed through God's hands, he has allowed the outcome, and it serves His greater purpose which will ultimately be your best interest. You're not alone.
And despite all of this serious talk, I am still hoping and praying for a positive result!
Sending you lots of love,
C.