Saturday, March 17, 2012

Truth

And so the truth comes out...

Turns out that my husband doesn't want to do IVF using DE's after all. He doesn't even want to go to the consult to see what they have to say. I can bet he never even asked to have the day off for the appointment because he never wanted to go in the first place. Hence the reason I had to cancel it three times. If only he would have told me this 3 months ago.

I am devastated.

In our conversation last night, my husband said that I had become "obsessed" & "consumed" & "desperate" with trying to have a baby. Hearing those words was like being stabbed in the heart. All I have ever wanted was to bring a child into this world, be a mother, have us be a family. He also said his reason for not wanting to use donor eggs was he felt like he would be having a baby with someone else. I get that & I can understand it. But if that is how he felt then why didn't he bring this up 3 months ago when I made the first appointment? Or the 2nd? I thought we have both been on the same page & had the same goal but last night I realized just how wrong I was. I can't help but feel that this was just my dream & not his.

This was going to be our very last attempt at having children of our own & now we will never know. If it didn't work, at least I would have known we did everything we possibly could have & could try to move on. Now I am at a loss & not sure where to go from here. There has always been something "next" to try or do, a new hurdle to cross & now that it has been taken away from me I feel lost & extremely sad. Hell, maybe these are words from a desperate, consumed & obsessed woman? I guess that is what IF does to you over the years. But now I can't help but feel like I am being forced to accept life without children & I am praying so very hard that I don't resent my husband in the end for it.

I am angry.

Angry at the fact we can't have children of our own, angry with my husband for not trying to understand how hard this is for me, what I am feeling or going through, angry at my body for having crappy eggs, angry that I will never be someone's mom & that I will never get to see Shane be a dad.

I'm hurt.

I feel guilty. I am carrying around this huge feeling of guilt that because of me, I will never be able to provide my husband with a child. Because of me, we will never have a family. Because of me, we will be labeled by others as the "poor couple who can't have children".

I am so frustrated & sad. I'm just not sure how to process all of this. I feel like I am grieving for the loss of a child that I never had.

After yesterday, I can honestly see how IF can tear apart marriages & damage those relationships. I am praying that God gives me the strength to get through this & that my marriage isn't damaged because of me & how I am feeling because right now I am really, really struggling.

I just never imagined that I would have been married for 8 years to such a wonderful man & never been given the opportunity to have children. All I ever wanted, as far back as I can remember, was to be a mom & now sadly I will never get that chance.

Ugh - IF is cruel & so unfair :(

25 comments:

Michelle said...

I'm so very sorry Heather. Praying for you and Shane that you will get through this together and be a stronger couple because of it.

Amanda said...

I am so sorry for all of your pain. I'm just at a loss for words right now.

I can haz babyz? said...

I am so sorry! Give him some time, maybe he will compromise and go to the consult before he makes a final decision. (((Huge hugs)))

Jenn said...

So sorry to hear this. I wish there was more to say to support you through this=Your post reminded me of this excerpt from Laura Bush's book..


"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"



You are in my prayers!

Karen Black said...

I read your post today through Kelly's link-up. I know we don't know each other but wanted to you know that I will say a prayer for you tonight. I have SO been where you are.

We tried for 6.5 years (IUI, IVF, gestational surrogate, etc. . .) and nothing worked. I was devastated and had all the same feelings as you . . . I at times thought I should leave my husband so he can go be with a woman who can have kids.

Once I accepted that I would never have kids . . . I decided that I didn't want to live the rest of my life ANGRY about the whole thing. I didn't want Satan to steal my joy. I did the unthinkable, I prayed that God would take my desire away to have children. I hated praying that b/c I felt like I was giving up but I had to in order to LIVE! After several weeks of praying this . . God took away that desire. I was happy again. I had JOY again. I embraced the one and only life God gave me. I finally realized that God should and was enough for me . . I didn't have to have a baby to be happy.

We casually started the adoption process but I was in no hurry b/c like I said, I really didn't have that strong "I must have a baby" desire anymore. And then, we got a call . . . from a friend of a friend (not even through an adoption agency) that there was a girl who wanted to give up her 4.5 month old baby girl. Within 2 weeks . . she was LEGALLY ours. Born on our 10 year wedding anniversary. AND THEN, 4.5 months later . . I was pregnant . . . NATURALLY (we hadn't even been trying for 2 years).

This may not be the end of your story BUT NO MATTER WHAT, don't let Satan steal your JOY. Fight hard against it. Try to be grateful for what you do have (I know that is hard to do right now). I'm sure you have a wonderful husband which so many women don't have and so many who would love JUST TO BE MARRIED.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that your words touched me b/c I've been there. It brought back a lot of memories and I hate that you are in the thick of it right now. BUT, wanted you to see that whether you believe it or not, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm praying that you get a PEACE that passes all understanding.

Lauren said...

I am so incredibly sorry, Heather. My heart breaks for you. You're such a fighter. Your journey has been long and hard, but your strength to keep fighting is admirable to me. You're such a cheerleader and are always looking for the positive no matter how upset you are. I truly wish you peace. Maybe Shane just needs time to wrap his head around the whole DE process? You just go full speed with IF that sometimes stopping and thinking about everything that is happening/about to happen can be terrifying. You two are a wonderful couple and have been through so much. I pray for peace for you and your husband. I also pray that one day your dreams of becoming a mom will come true.

Kristin (kekis) said...

IF *DOES* suck. It's a pain that permeates your every thought, action, and breath and holds on tight. Even after you fight the battle and move forward away from it, it always has a tiny hold on you.

With that being said, you can get through this. I am not in your exact situation but have been through much of it in my world. It won't be easy, but it doesn't have to be the end of your quest to be a family or the end of your marriage. Decide what you need, get help if you are willing, pray for God's will to be done, and start moving down your path. We're all here for you!

Anna said...

I'm so sorry. You have been through so much already, I hate to see you continue to struggle. :( Praying for you.

Cori said...

I just don't know the right words to say. Your feelings are all so valid, and Heather, you do NOT come across as desperate and consumed. Just the opposite. So much the opposite that you amaze me. If I could take one emotion away from you, it would be the guilt. This is not your fault. You are not preventing Shane from being a father. You didn't choose to miscarry. It's very obvious that you would do anything for Shane, and that's all a wife can do. You have been self sacrificing to the point that I've worried about your sanity. I hate seeing you in pain. And I understand your anger. And you're so fair with your assessment of the situation. You have a right to be mad right now, even at Shane. Doesn't mean you don't love him, but he changed the plan, and that plan was a big deal to you. That was not fair. And I know he's hurting, but you're hurting more, so I have to side with my girl. I agree with Karen B., this is not the end of your journey, but I like what she said. Let's just truly give it up to God. Ask him to remove that desire from your heart and give you peace if it's really not His will, and then let's see what happens. If he removes it, truly removes the desire, you will be okay. And if He doesn't, then there's still a plan here that we can't see yet. God is faithful, he will not let you down. Don't forget that, no matter how bad the pain gets. I care about you so much, friend, and I'll be praying for you. Text me if you need to go get a drink, escape, anything. I'll be there.

Nickie said...

I simply have no words except I am so very sorry and praying for both you and for Shane. I am at a complete loss. I am sorry. XOXO

Amanda Mae said...

Heather - I found you through KK blog. This is the first post on your blog that I've read and I am heartbroken. Although we are both struggling with infertility, I can't begin to imagine what you are going through at this very moment. Even though you and your husband are on different pages at this moment, don't give up. Continue to pray about it and hopefully the answer as to where to go from here will be made clear. I'll keep you two in my prayers.

CrysHouse said...

I am so, so sorry. I know how difficult it can be to make decisions as a team, and I've felt the weight of the words your husband said to you.

I am thinking of you, and I hope the pain eases.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. I read another IVF blogger whose husband would not consider donor eggs. I don't know if this would help but I was reluctant to pursue DE even though my husband was more eager. In fact, I think it was harder for me to come to terms with DE; after all I was the one giving up the hope of having genetic child.
I don't know if you can talk to your husband but let him know that you see his side. He could still have a genetic child and you're the one who will not be able to. However, once I was carrying the child, we really forgot how he was conceived. We love this child so much and there is no difference once you carry this living /breathing miracle inside of you for 9 months.

Anonymous said...

Over from L&F. This is not your fault and I hate seeing you blame yourself. You are unable to physicaly have children, but your husband is preventing you from becoming a parent. Donor egg and adoption are wonderful ways to become parents and I am sorry that your husband is not more open to this. Some assvice, give it some time and then sit down and talk...is it more important to continue your genes or love and care for a child? I hope in the end that you can find common ground. Good luck

Heather said...

I am so deeply sorry, Heather.

Illanare said...

Here from LFCA. I am so sorry. My own partner called a halt on our attempts too, and it was devastating.
Thinking of you.

jhl said...

I am so, so sorry, Heather. Here from LFCA ... it shouldn't be his decision to make. Maybe he's feeling frustrated, too, and this is the only way he can protect himself from getting hurt? To hurt you? I hope that you can come to terms ... keeping you in my heart.

glitterandrainbows said...

Here from LFCA. Just wanted to offer my support and say that you are in my thoughts.

edenland said...

From LFCA.

Just want you to know that I came here, read your words, and am sending you some light through this dark. XXX

Sunny Jenny said...

Hi there here from LFCA too.

Just want you to know that I didn't want to pursue adoption at first either. My husband waited patiently for God to change my heart.

God did change my heart and we eventually adopted and then got pregnant through one last try at IVF.

God is good and my prayer is that God will grant you and your husband peace as his works in your life.

Alicia said...

I'm here from LFCA. So sorry for you. You are in our thoughts. So not fair.

Dandle Dreams said...

Oh Heather, this is not fair. Your heart must be breaking. I hope that you and your husband find a way to reconcile in such heartbreaking circumstances.

Mali said...

Heather, I'm here very late, from ICLW, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. DE wasn't really an option for us (lack of availability etc), and my husband didn't want to adopt. So abruptly, like you, I found myself at the end of the road.

Wow. There is so much I want to say to you, but I don't want to hijack your comment. At the time I did feel some resentment for my husband, but I realised that part of that was because I had been on the treadmill, and we'd known what was coming next, very focused on the outcome, and then suddenly I'd slid off the treadmill and was crumpled in a heap on the floor. Getting used to that can be really tough - and having someone to blame was easy for me. Blaming both my husband and myself. And that can be destructive. And isn't fair on either of you.

Feeling lost and sad and angry (at the world) is absolutely what you should be feeling right now. It's what I felt. And of course you should be grieving the child(ren) you've never had. This is a loss, and a real grief. I understand that. I think we all understand that.

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