And so the truth comes out...
Turns out that my husband doesn't want to do IVF using DE's after all. He doesn't even want to go to the consult to see what they have to say. I can bet he never even asked to have the day off for the appointment because he never wanted to go in the first place. Hence the reason I had to cancel it three times. If only he would have told me this 3 months ago.
I am devastated.
In our conversation last night, my husband said that I had become "obsessed" & "consumed" & "desperate" with trying to have a baby. Hearing those words was like being stabbed in the heart. All I have ever wanted was to bring a child into this world, be a mother, have us be a family. He also said his reason for not wanting to use donor eggs was he felt like he would be having a baby with someone else. I get that & I can understand it. But if that is how he felt then why didn't he bring this up 3 months ago when I made the first appointment? Or the 2nd? I thought we have both been on the same page & had the same goal but last night I realized just how wrong I was. I can't help but feel that this was just my dream & not his.
This was going to be our very last attempt at having children of our own & now we will never know. If it didn't work, at least I would have known we did everything we possibly could have & could try to move on. Now I am at a loss & not sure where to go from here. There has always been something "next" to try or do, a new hurdle to cross & now that it has been taken away from me I feel lost & extremely sad. Hell, maybe these are words from a desperate, consumed & obsessed woman? I guess that is what IF does to you over the years. But now I can't help but feel like I am being forced to accept life without children & I am praying so very hard that I don't resent my husband in the end for it.
I am angry.
Angry at the fact we can't have children of our own, angry with my husband for not trying to understand how hard this is for me, what I am feeling or going through, angry at my body for having crappy eggs, angry that I will never be someone's mom & that I will never get to see Shane be a dad.
I feel guilty. I am carrying around this huge feeling of guilt that because of me, I will never be able to provide my husband with a child. Because of me, we will never have a family. Because of me, we will be labeled by others as the "poor couple who can't have children".
I am so frustrated & sad. I'm just not sure how to process all of this. I feel like I am grieving for the loss of a child that I never had.
After yesterday, I can honestly see how IF can tear apart marriages & damage those relationships. I am praying that God gives me the strength to get through this & that my marriage isn't damaged because of me & how I am feeling because right now I am really, really struggling.
Ugh - IF is cruel & so unfair :(