Thursday, September 9, 2010

A Confession

::standing on podium::

Hi - my name is Heather and I am a closet POASer.

I have been peeing on sticks for over 18 months now. I can't tell you exactly how many I pee on monthly. It is usually 3 - since FRER comes in a box of 3, so I might as well use them all up right? But sadly it is sometimes more & it is a sick & sad addiction.

In my madness, I have held tests up to the light, walked over to a window for better light, have even walked outside into the natural light to get a better look. I have taken my glasses on and off usually squinting until I think I see something - then I head outside AGAIN to see if I can see it better. Is there a line or isn't there?! What if I tilt it a bit to the left or there a line now?! Maybe if I put the stick up against a dark background...wait - still no line?

Seriously - what drives a sane person to act this way? I'm pretty sure that if I can't see a line just by looking at it like a normal person, then the line isn't there, and I should just accept it, right?!

This month though has been different. Ever since the ET took place I have been afraid to POAS. I have a box of 3 FRER tests & a CBE test all sitting under my sink & I have not yet peed on even one of them. I am SO afraid to see another negative & then I will be faced with the fact that we have spent all this money & gone through this whole IVF process for nothing. I am afraid to be faced with no plan for the next cycle. For the last 10 mos I have always had a plan in place for next month but this is very possibly the end of the road for us at our attempt in TTC & that too scares me.

Tomorrow is my beta & if by some chance they call me & tell me it is positive then I just might take out all 4 of those PG tests and pee on them all - just to see that 2nd line....just to see the word "pregnant"!


Anonymous said...

I will be waiting to see 4 pee sticks tomorrow. Sending you some prayers too.

LCSween said...

I was the same way! I used to pee on them constantly and spend an hour holding it up to all different lighting until my husband would finally make me throw it away. I am also too scared at this point. I was going to buy some today at the store to possibly test on Sunday, but drove to the store and had to turn away. I am crossing my fingers for your BFP tomorrow! Oh, and if you do get your BFP I hope you pull out those sticks just to see the second line ;)

Desiree said...

I can't even think of anything profound or encouraging to say because I'm too freakin nervous. I want this so badly for you and every time you pop into my head I say "Heather's pregnant" - that's my prayer for you.

Love you!!