This morning before my beta, I had busted out my 1 of 4 HPT's & tested. Even before I saw the result was negative - I knew. The spotting, the AF-like cramps & lower back ache these last few days was a clear sign that this wasn't going to happen for us.
I went in at 7:30am for my blood draw & by 10am they called with the results. Hearing the nurse say the beta was negative just finalized it all & made hearing it that much more painful. It took all I could do to not bust into tears. Then I had to call my husband. That phone call nearly killed me & I had to do all this at work which is the shitty part. He was so excited to hear from me & when I managed to choke out the words "the test was negative" there was silence on the other end. I know he is heartbroken & so very sad but he would never show it in front of me. The first words out of his mouth were: "how are you? are you ok? can you come home?" God I love that man.
After that phone call, I knew that today was going to be tough but I didn't know how tough it really would be. We had a slow day at work so it gave me lots of down-time to sit & think & wonder & be sad & think some more. I had to hide my emotions from my co-workers & I was bottling up all that grief & despair inside & it was killing me. I needed to be by myself to have a good cry & grieve over the loss of our little embies...over the loss of what was to be.
At the end of the day I headed to the locker room to get changed & a co-worker of mine (who knows all about our IVF journey) came up to me in private & asked if I was ok - that I seemed "distant" today. At that moment, I caved & lost it right in front of her. She hugged me & let me cry & she cried with me & it felt SO good to get it out & let go. She will never know how much that hug & her support meant to me!
So now I sit here & I just don't understand. It was a flawless cycle. The IVF procedure went perfect. We transferred 3 almost perfect embryo's & had one to freeze & not a one made it. I did everything the RE told me to do. How does all that get you nowhere?!
I am truly beginning to believe that Shane & I aren't meant to be parents. Or perhaps, we just aren't meant to be parents right now...at this moment...maybe someday, but not now.
3 comments:
What devastating news. I don't believe that this happened because you two aren't meant to be parents. A lot of the time IVF just fails, and we don't know why. All we can do is roll the dice and hold our breath.
This is not your fault.
This sounds like the hardest day, and you are such a strong lady. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this devastating news and it just doesn't make any sense. Hugs to you.
I still hate everything.
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