Today was our 9 week US.
I went into this appointment hoping that after this US I would be able to start relaxing a little, start sharing our news, start getting excited to be almost to the end of the 1st trimester.
Should have known it was too good to be true.
The tech gelled up my belly & as soon as we saw the baby on the monitor we knew. There was no little flicker. There was no emotion in the tech's face. All I saw was a perfect looking little gummy-bear with no movement. And then she said the words "I'm sorry, I don't see a heartbeat."
::cue the tears::
The tech made me empty my bladder & she did a vaginal US just to verify that there truly was no heartbeat & again....nothing. Baby was measuring 8.5 weeks so she said the heart had stopped recently. I couldn't even look at Shane. He came over to me, held my hand & I couldn't see through the tears.
I just don't understand. I know it was nothing I did & I know it more than likely was genetically not able to survive but how can we get 21 embryos throughout this process & not one make it to a healthy baby!?
I slowly got dressed & sat there with Shane while the nurse went to tell my OB. I was sad for him, sad for me & then even more sad when the tech came in to tell us my OB was on vacation this week. NICE! So she asked if I would see her partner & we agreed. Dr. R went over his thoughts of the pregnancy, the scan & gave us our options. Either wait it out until I miscarry which could take weeks or have a D&C. I had decided that I am not going to wait weeks for this drama to play out so I asked for the D&C which they can thankfully do this week.
I decided to take the rest of the day off of work to process everything & Shane asked if I wanted him home with me. I told him to go to work & that I would be ok. So far he has called me 3 x's to check on me - such a sweet guy.
As far as how I am doing, right now I am ok - numb, really. I know deep down that this is the end of our journey & that makes me sad that I will never be able to give my husband a child of our own.
Not sure where we go from here but am going to take it one day at a time. For now I am waiting for the Dr's office to call & set up the D&C. Will be glad to have that behind me & start moving forward.
*Update: Dr's office just called & the D&C is scheduled for Thursday morning.