Tuesday, October 25, 2011

9 week US

Today was our 9 week US.

I went into this appointment hoping that after this US I would be able to start relaxing a little, start sharing our news, start getting excited to be almost to the end of the 1st trimester.

Should have known it was too good to be true.

The tech gelled up my belly & as soon as we saw the baby on the monitor we knew. There was no little flicker. There was no emotion in the tech's face. All I saw was a perfect looking little gummy-bear with no movement. And then she said the words "I'm sorry, I don't see a heartbeat.

::cue the tears::

The tech made me empty my bladder & she did a vaginal US just to verify that there truly was no heartbeat & again....nothing. Baby was measuring 8.5 weeks so she said the heart had stopped recently. I couldn't even look at Shane. He came over to me, held my hand & I couldn't see through the tears.

I just don't understand. I know it was nothing I did & I know it more than likely was genetically not able to survive but how can we get 21 embryos throughout this process & not one make it to a healthy baby!?

I slowly got dressed & sat there with Shane while the nurse went to tell my OB. I was sad for him, sad for me & then even more sad when the tech came in to tell us my OB was on vacation this week. NICE! So she asked if I would see her partner & we agreed. Dr. R went over his thoughts of the pregnancy, the scan & gave us our options. Either wait it out until I miscarry which could take weeks or have a D&C. I had decided that I am not going to wait weeks for this drama to play out so I asked for the D&C which they can thankfully do this week.

I decided to take the rest of the day off of work to process everything & Shane asked if I wanted him home with me. I told him to go to work & that I would be ok. So far he has called me 3 x's to check on me - such a sweet guy.

As far as how I am doing, right now I am ok - numb, really. I know deep down that this is the end of our journey & that makes me sad that I will never be able to give my husband a child of our own.

Not sure where we go from here but am going to take it one day at a time. For now I am waiting for the Dr's office to call & set up the D&C. Will be glad to have that behind me & start moving forward.

*Update: Dr's office just called & the D&C is scheduled for Thursday morning.


Megan said...

Heather, I am soooo sorry that this is happening after everything. Life can be so incredibly cruel. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.


Amanda said...

My heart is just aching with pain for you and Shane. Words cannot even express how incredibly sorry I am. My prayers are with you.

Babina868 said...

I'm so sorry. That's absolutely awful, and you shouldn't have to go through it. You're in my thoughts & prayers.

Nickie said...

Just as I said in the texts, I am so sorry. My heart bleeds for you. I just don't know what to say or how to say it, except I adore you and one day you will be the most wonderful mother. God may hand the child to you via someone else, but it will still be your child and you will still be amazing.
But in the meantime, it is totally not fair!!!
Hang in there. I am here if you need anything at all.

Scubagirl said...

Oh Heather, my heart is absolutely breaking for you. I am so sorry. I know I can't take any pain away, but I am sending a lot of prayers your way. Take care of yourself the best you can.

Lauren said...

There are just not any words. I'm so incredibly sorry and I'm just sitting here in tears for you. Angry tears, sad tears, frustration tears. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry. I hate IF. Please let me know if you need anything. I' always here if you need to vent.

Michelle said...

Lauren pretty much summed up my every thought. I'm sitting here in tears for you and Shane. IF is so unfair and my heart is so broken for you two. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know if I can do ANYTHING!

Anna said...

Oh Heather, I'm so sorry. I know I'm a little late, and I'm sorry for that too. I'm trying to get caught up on everyone's blogs. But I just wanted to tell you I don't understand why things like this happen. Hang in there.