Randoms

1) It's been 17 days since my last post & I still don't have any new news to report. The hubby & I have still not talked about where we go from here & honestly, I'm not in any hurry to decide anything. I don't know if it is the fact that I have been so distracted & busy with other things right now or the upcoming holidays or that maybe subconsciously I don't want to deal with anything IF related right now. I do think about our options often & the "path" I think I would like for us to take seems to change every other day - depending on my mood. What I do know for sure is that I do not want to go through another IVF using my own eggs & the hubby is in agreement with this.

So I think we will wait until after the holidays to make any decisions & am hoping we can start the new & upcoming year with a new & exciting plan in place. Sorry blog-peeps, you will have to wait a little while longer to read about where our "IF-drama" will take us :)

2) We are doing a secret holiday gift exchange again on the IF forums I am on & today I received the name of my person I am to buy for. Ironically, this person has had me in the past so I look forward to buying her some cute, fun, holiday items & paying it forward!

3) Right now I am loving the Peppermint Mocha creamer, white fudge Oreo's, homemade kettle corn, the Justin Bieber X-mas album (don't be hatin') & my Solar Oil cuticle oil.

4) Christmas is 25 days away :) I have yet to buy any gifts :(

5) American Horror Story & Dexter are two of my favorite shows that I look forward to watching the most during the week.

6) Almost 5 weeks ago to the date I had my D&C. Before that time, my cycles were 33-34 days long. It's ironic that AF decided to show up today in full force on the 34th day since that drama. Glad to see I am still "regular"!?

7) Our next door neighbor "one-upped" us with their outdoor X-mas lights this year. I have yet to put ours up on the house so I am plotting my revenge this weekend! The Griswold Christmas Vacation comes to mind :)

Decisions

This made me laugh so I thought I would share:

I had my 2 week post-op appt with my fave OB/GYN on Thursday & as soon as she walked through the door she gave me a hug & apologized profusely for not being there when the drama went down. She is so awesome.

My check-up went well. Dr. S said all looked good & cleared me from all restrictions - which made the hubby a happy boy :) I found it funny that she advised us to use protection for 6 weeks just in case of a spontaneous pregnancy. I just had to laugh. She said "hey, I have seen it happen". If only we were that lucky!

We had a nice long chat about how I am doing mentally & where we possibly go from here. She also offered to send a letter to my RE so I wouldn't have to call them. My pathology report came back & she said there was nothing "abnormal" looking with the embryo but since we didn't do any other kind of testing on it she really couldn't tell me much more that. She told me to remain on my prenatals & folic acid - just incase.

::insert another laugh here::

I spent the rest of the afternoon running errands & not 2 hours later from my visit with Dr. S I get a phone call from my RE. She had talked with Dr. S & wanted to let me know how sorry she was for our loss. I thought that was a really nice gesture & was amazed yet again with Dr. S's compassion & promptness with the matter.

So, this leaves us with where we go from here. I have yet to talk with the hubby about it because we have been so busy these past couple of weeks but it will happen soon - when the time is right. I have been doing some research on my own & leaning towards one specific option & if I can get the hubby on board I think it will be the right decision for us. At least that is what my gut is feeling. I'm excited to share our decision with you all but unfortunately you will have to wait a little while longer :)

Update

Just an update to let you all know how I am doing....in case any of you were wondering!

The D&C was this morning & thankfully it was over with pretty quickly. I headed into the OR at 8:50am, Shane said the doc was talking to him by 9:30am & I was being wheeled out the door by 10:30am. The staff at the surgical center was wonderful - so caring & compassionate. My husband - a.m.a.z.i.n.g. As he was sitting with me waiting for me to go back to the OR he could tell I was nervous. He started being his funny self & had me giggling in no time which helped ease my nerves & fears. Can I just say how much I love that man!? He has been SO great though all of this.

As soon as we got home, I headed to bed. I have been having some moderate cramping & bleeding but other than that I don't feel too bad. Been staying on top of my pain pills which helps a lot & just been laying in bed all day long with the beloved furries by my side :) This is what Bubba looked like next to me the majority of the day:

Such a sweet boy! Seriously - how can you not love that smooshie face?

I am off work until Monday & then have a short week as I am leaving Friday for Wisconsin to spend some time with my sister & her family. Being around family - especially my two precious nephews next weekend will be a great way to boost my spirits & take my mind off of the events of the past few days.

Thanks to you all for your texts, emails, FB messages - I am so very thankful for your friendships, thoughts, prayers & support.

xoxo,
HT

9 week US

Today was our 9 week US.

I went into this appointment hoping that after this US I would be able to start relaxing a little, start sharing our news, start getting excited to be almost to the end of the 1st trimester.

Should have known it was too good to be true.

The tech gelled up my belly & as soon as we saw the baby on the monitor we knew. There was no little flicker. There was no emotion in the tech's face. All I saw was a perfect looking little gummy-bear with no movement. And then she said the words "I'm sorry, I don't see a heartbeat."

::cue the tears::

The tech made me empty my bladder & she did a vaginal US just to verify that there truly was no heartbeat & again....nothing. Baby was measuring 8.5 weeks so she said the heart had stopped recently. I couldn't even look at Shane. He came over to me, held my hand & I couldn't see through the tears.

I just don't understand. I know it was nothing I did & I know it more than likely was genetically not able to survive but how can we get 21 embryos throughout this process & not one make it to a healthy baby!?

I slowly got dressed & sat there with Shane while the nurse went to tell my OB. I was sad for him, sad for me & then even more sad when the tech came in to tell us my OB was on vacation this week. NICE! So she asked if I would see her partner & we agreed. Dr. R went over his thoughts of the pregnancy, the scan & gave us our options. Either wait it out until I miscarry which could take weeks or have a D&C. I had decided that I am not going to wait weeks for this drama to play out so I asked for the D&C which they can thankfully do this week.

I decided to take the rest of the day off of work to process everything & Shane asked if I wanted him home with me. I told him to go to work & that I would be ok. So far he has called me 3 x's to check on me - such a sweet guy.

As far as how I am doing, right now I am ok - numb, really. I know deep down that this is the end of our journey & that makes me sad that I will never be able to give my husband a child of our own.

Not sure where we go from here but am going to take it one day at a time. For now I am waiting for the Dr's office to call & set up the D&C. Will be glad to have that behind me & start moving forward.

*Update: Dr's office just called & the D&C is scheduled for Thursday morning.

Ugh - nausea

8 weeks 6 days & the nausea has definitely set in. Carbs (especially greasy ones) are my new best friend!

I have been feeling queasy on & off for the last couple of weeks but today I had my first battle with true morning sickness. I about lost my cookies in the shower & ended up getting out quickly. I headed straight for the bed (wet hair & all) where I proceeded to lay with the fan blowing on my naked self for about 5 minutes & then slowly got back up to get ready for work. I was still queasy when I got up so I had Shane run me up a package of saltines & by the time I had gotten to work I had eaten over half the row.

I ended up feeling sick ALL. DAY. LONG. & even though I wasn't hungry, I somehow managed to choke down a small salad for lunch.

After work I had my acupuncture appointment & afterwards I was still feeling nauseated & you know what sounded really good? McDonalds!!! So I rolled through the drive-thru & ordered 2 hamburgers & a large fry & let me tell you - I devoured that value meal like I hadn't eaten in days & it was SOOOO good. I only eat McD's when I am hungover or on a road trip & both don't happen that often but for some reason the greasy food was the only thing that settled my stomach & made me feel better. Seriously - best meal ever!

I'm not going to complain because I am SO grateful to have the symptoms I am having but I am hoping the next few weeks aren't a repeat of today. I can't live off of saltines & McDonald's for that long :)

Next up: 9 week US tomorrow - stay tuned!

OB visit

So today I went & visited my OB/GYN. I called yesterday to get an appt with her & it was either today or Nov 3rd & they didn't want me to wait 3 weeks to see them so that's how I ended up seeing her so soon.

Can I just say how much I LOVE my OB? I have been seeing her for 3 years now for my GYN stuff & she is fabulous, sensitive, kind, gentle & SO compassionate. She listened to all my concerns & was like "we will do whatever you want Heather if it will make you feel better". She said anytime I am feeling at all "anxious" & want an US to check on things she said just call up the office & we will fit you in. Seriously - who does that? She also expressed how I am high-risk & that she was going to be keeping a very close eye on me so I should get used to the fact that we are going to be seeing ALOT of each other. I have an appt with her on Nov 8th & on Dec 6th & then she wants to start checking me every two weeks to make sure my cervix is staying closed, there are no signs of p-eclampsia or early labor. Like she said, we are going to see alot of each other :)

Our next US is scheduled for Oct 25th to hear the heartbeat which I will be exactly 9 weeks. Very nervous for that appt & need to put my trust in God that everything will be developing as it should & that there still is a heartbeat.

Today I am 7 weeks & it is the farthest I have ever gotten with any pregnancy. Unfortunately, I am finding it really difficult to be excited about being pregnant & feel more stressed. This is what IF has done to me. Every time I go to the bathroom (which is ALL the time) I get nervous I will see spotting. Every little cramp or twinge I think it is the start to a miscarriage. Everyday that goes by I think this just might be the last day I will be PG because surely this isn't going to last. After all that I have gone through I just can't believe that this may be actually happening for us. Then when I start to relax a little bit I begin to think of all the awful genetic defects that can go wrong with someone who is my age & I become worried all over again. It is a vicious cycle & I don't know if the feelings will ever go away.

I have been doing my acupuncture weekly which helps alleviate stress & I bought some pregnancy meditation CD's which are soothing so hoping I can keep my stress levels down. I have been taking a nap everyday after work & been going to bed early so that seems to help also.

Just trying to take it one day at a time...

1st US

This morning we had our 1st ultrasound to detect a heartbeat. Shane was excited while I on the other-hand was SO nervous & was so very nauseated. I didn't know if I was queasy from the nerves or from the morning sickness. (4 hours later & I am still queasy so I am thinking it was the m/s!)

Lucky for us, they called us back right away & 15 minutes later we had a couple of pictures & an answer!

We were able to see one sac & saw the little flicker which was the heartbeat! I was SO relieved to hear her say that there was a HB. I am measuring right on track which is 6w5d & my estimated due date is May 30th!

My RE released me today to my OB whom I am seeing tomorrow so hopefully I can get another scan scheduled in a couple weeks to hear the heartbeat. I am really sad to be leaving my RE & all her nurses who have been on this journey with us for the last year but am glad to have reached this point & be able to move on.

We are SO very cautiously excited & yet so very nervous for what is to come. We have crossed yet another hurdle but have so many more to go. At least for today we saw the HB so I am going to relax a little & enjoy the blessings of being pregnant.

Thanks again to you all for your continued prayers & support! We aren't out of the woods yet so please keep saying those prayers!

xoxo - HT :)

Delivery

These beautiful roses were sent to me last week by an old high school friend of mine whom I haven't seen in over 20 years. Sonia & I were good friends back in the day & spent a lot of time running around with our mutual friend Heather. Unfortunately, after I graduated we lost touch but a few years ago we reconnected on Facebook.

Back in April she found out about our struggles with infertility & she ended up sharing her own story of how she too struggled with IF, went through IVF & now has 2 IVF babies :) I gave her the link to this blog back then & she has been following our story ever since. She has been a wonderful friend, so very supportive & I am very thankful for that.

This beautiful bouquet arrived in the mail a few days after I found out I was pregnant & she has been rooting & praying for me ever since. They truly brightened my day & I just wanted to share....

Thank you SO very much Sonia! Your act of kindness means more to me than you will ever know :)

6 weeks

Regardless of what happens at next week's ultrasound, for today I am 6 weeks pregnant & I wanted to be sure to document it.

A lot of you have been emailing, texting or sending me messages on FB as to how I am feeling & I thank you for being concerned & checking in. So far:

- the DD's are back!! My boobs are crazy plump & extremely sore & I really wish I could go bra-less at work.
- around 4pm everyday I am beyond exhausted & have taken a late afternoon nap for the last week now.
- I am getting up no less than 3x's to pee during the night & I pee all. day. long. I'm a lean, mean, peeing machine.
- I feel slightly queasy right when I wake up, around 10am & again around 5pm. As long as I eat I feel fine.
- my gums seem to be super sensitive all of a sudden & bleed quite often when I floss. Weird...
- I am snappy, cranky, super emotional - you name it & I am feeling it. My husband is scared :)
- I am feeling mild cramping almost daily & praying it is normal.
- I have started doing my weekly acupuncture appt's again & am loving them.

That's about it. I'm not going to complain because I am so very blessed to be where I am & am hoping we will continue to be blessed going into next week. I continue to take the Estradiol, Lovenox injections, progesterone injections & suppositories, Estrogen patches, baby aspirin & of course the prenatal vitamins & folic acid. A lot of these will be discontinued when I finish the 1st trimester so crossing my fingers I will get there!

Please, please, please keep those prayers coming!!!

Beta #4

712

My RE wanted it to be at least 671 so we are WAY good. You know what that means?? NO MORE blood draws! YAY :) US is scheduled for Oct 10th to detect the heartbeat! Keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well until then.

Thanks to all of you ladies who have followed & responded to my posts! Your words have been encouraging, thoughtful & very helpful during this stressful time.

One more hurdle crossed....

Beta #3

381

So what I thought was a good number turns out to be "not quite where we would have liked it" according to my RE's nurse :( They want to see at least a 1.5 x's rise which would have been 389 & obviously I am not quite there...but almost. My progesterone was >20 which is good so all meds will remain the same until further notice.

So the plan is to repeat my levels on Wed & see what that shows. This is so frustrating & a pain to have to get blood drawn every 2 days. Since I am on Lovenox AND baby aspirin my arm is bruised horribly so I will definitely be glad when the blood draws are done.

On to beta #4...

Beta #2

173

Well, the number didn't exactly double but according to my RE she isn't counting me out just yet either. She said as long it rises at least 1.5 x's then she is comfortable with that which would have been at least 166 so who knows!?

I would have liked to have seen the number above 200 but it is what it is. The good news is it DID rise & it IS above the level it needed to be so maybe it is all good?!? Ugh - all I know is that being in beta limbo is making me crazy - so nerve wracking. I return on Monday for another HCG check so we will have a good idea of how this is going to play out when those results come in.

It's going to be a long weekend!!!