8w4d

This will be a quick update as I am leaving for South Dakota in about 15 minutes but didn't want to leave y'all hanging :)

This morning's US showed Baby T measuring a day ahead of schedule at 8w5d with a heartbeat of 175 bpm!! We saw a little tiny head, little arm/leg buds & the umbilical cord. The tech said everything is looking great thus far!

Sorry for the blurry pic. I can't seem to get a picture of the copy without it being blurry :(

7w4d

I have had lots of texts & emails asking how I have been doing/feeling so thought I would update y'all :) Thank you so much for caring enough to check in on me!!

The most common question I have been asked is how I am feeling.

Well, so far so good. I am 7w4d today & have all the normal symptoms of being pregnant: sore boobs (especially my nipples - which is weird), desperately needing a nap by late afternoon & nauseated. Not just in the morning but ALL day, every single day. I spend my days looking forward to 930pm when I can crawl into bed & not have nausea for 8 hours! Oh & I CRAVE carbs! Can't get enough of them!!

I was learning to just deal with the nausea & manage the unpleasantness of it at work (trying to keep anyone from knowing) but my sister told me there was no need to suffer & feel miserable & to call my Dr for some Zofran. I agreed with her & made the call. The nurse called me in the prescription for Zofran that afternoon & by 530pm the first dose was down. By the time I got home I was already feeling better. I took another dose the next morning & my nausea was SO much better. Not 100% gone but very manageable & I have felt pretty good these past few days. Zofran is a Godsend!!

While the nurse had me on the phone, she also told me that my OB wants me to have another US next Friday just to be sure that everything is going ok given my history. So I will go in at 9am next Friday where I will be 8w4d. This is how far I got in my last pregnancy so I know I will be a nervous wreck. 

As I mentioned before, I have access at work to an US machine that we use in the cardiac cath lab - score for HT :) So I think I will be doing an US on myself the day before just to verify that things either are or aren't ok.

With that said, before I left work today I decided to do a "HB check" just to make sure all was good & this is what I saw:

 
Now I know it isn't the best US you ever did see & the first video may or may not even be sideways but let me tell you, it was quite difficult sneaking into a closet with an US machine, while using my right hand to press the wand into my abdomen & use my left hand to record the image with my cell phone. 

But never mind that mental image. If you look closely, you will see the heart beating away - looks like a little cursor blinking. I counted it for 15 sec which was 38 blinks & multiplied it by 4 to get the heartbeat so it looks like it is around 152 bpm which is within the norm. 

Absolutely amazing! I just love that I have the ability to check for a HB whenever I want to help ease my fears when they arise.

We still haven't told our parents, co-workers & a majority of our friends don't know. I have only told a few "select" friends & plan on keeping it that way until we have our 12 week US - if we are so lucky. I am debating telling our parents after the US on Friday as I will be seeing them next weekend & would be fun to tell them in person. We will see though.

So for today, I am good & so very thankful. I will update again next week...unless something happens before then. Thank you again for all the warm thoughts, prayers & for checking in! I wish I could hug you all!!

US = HB

This afternoon I went in for an US to detect a heartbeat of "Baby T". I was saying many prayers on my way to the Dr's office that we see a strong, healthy heartbeat & guess what? God answered.

We have a heartbeat - 107 bpm :)

The tech said that the normal heart rate at 6 weeks is around 90-110 bpm so we are right within the normal range. She also said the sac looks very healthy as does the embryo & everything is measuring right on track.

She also pointed out something else amazing. If you look closely, you can see 2 black circles on the embryo which are the optic vessels & will later become the babies eyes. The heart is the darker white spot located right underneath. It was absolutely amazing watching a heart beat on a little blob that is only 5mm long. 

Unfortunately, I don't see my OB until July 9th when I will be 10 weeks. I was told I can come in any time to have an US done (out of pocket of course) just to ease any fears so I just might go back in 2 weeks. I do have access to US at work too so knowing me, I just might have to do some periodic "self-checks" just to make sure we still have a heartbeat.

As far as how I am feeling - my morning sickness really kicked in these past few days & carbs have become my new best friend. As long as I eat crackers before I get out of bed in the morning & eat every 2 hours I do pretty good but if I go past 2 hours I start to feel really ill. Not going to complain though. I am just so very thankful to have gotten to this point at all!

Epilogue...part 2

First off, thank you ALL for your sweet, wonderful comments you left on my last post. (((HUGS))) to each & every one of you :)

So upon seeing that 2nd line pop up, I did what any crazy infertile woman does. I ran out the next day & bought another box of pregnancy tests & pee'd on them for the next 3 days to see if the "line" was getting darker & holy hell, it was. I also had a bunch of leftover meds from my last FET cycle so I immediately started taking baby ASA, doing my daily Lovenox injections, one progesterone suppository at night, additional folic acid & my prescription prenatal vitamins. Just in case... 

A couple of days later, I made an appointment with my favorite OB/GYN & was sad when the scheduler told me at the end of the year she would no longer be practicing Obstetrics but will be focusing on research instead - boo :( I went ahead & saw her this past Friday & she was SO happy to be seeing me for a "prenatal" visit. Unfortunately, I am now going to have to find a new OB to go to which is a bummer.

At my appointment she did the usual...pelvic exam, went over all the "do's & don'ts", did a urine test & got my labs drawn. We went over all my meds & she said to stay on everything until further notice. I also mentioned that I had been having right sided ovarian pain & she immediately ordered an US to be done before I left to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. I was so relieved because in the back of my mind I was a bit worried about that & with all I have been through it would just be nice to know there was an embryo growing in the right place.

So the US showed this:

One gestational sac & yolk sac growing in the correct spot (the little black circle above the Baby "T") along with a 3mm cyst on my right ovary which is the cause of my pain. 

SO THANKFUL :)

I am to return this Friday for another scan to check for a HB & my Dr. said she wants me to have an US every single week until I am 12 weeks due to my history, for peace of mind & that it will cause me less stress knowing every week that everything is or isn't ok. Have I mentioned that I LOVE my OB???

So for today, I am 6w0d. I'm still not sure what to think about all of this & can't help but feel that it will all be over any day now. I think of how this little blessing is truly a miracle & that there has to be a reason I got pregnant naturally. I also think that God can't possibly allow me the loss of another little one & in that next second I am thinking "or can he?"

Only time will tell & for now...I am taking it one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

So if this all works out, Baby "T" will be due around Feb 4th, 2013.

Epilogue

So you know how with every good book, there is always an epilogue after the ending of the main story?! It is usually written to provide "closure" to the story you have just read.

Well this my friends, is my epilogue....

Those of you who follow my other blog know that the 1st week of May I went on a 9 day vacation (without the hubby) to FL with my girlfriends & then to WI to see my sister & her family. I came back relaxed, refreshed, mentally recharged & it was just the break that I had needed. I returned emotionally ready to settle into this life of ours without children. 

Shortly after I had returned, I had felt the all to familiar sharp, stabbing pain in my right side which meant that I would soon be ovulating. I feel it every. single. month. & it is not a pleasant feeling. I just so happened to have a box of Clear.blue O.P.K tests under my sink left over from previous attempts & since I have an obsession with peeing on sticks I went ahead & tested - just to be sure....because you never know, right!?

The first day was negative & the 2nd day was this:

No surprise there since I know my body pretty well!

Well, needless to say it was the weekend....I had been gone 9 days....the hubby missed me....I had missed the hubby....so you get how the weekend played out!!

Fast forward 2 weeks later.

My cycle is a 29 day cycle - like clockwork. I am about as regular as you can get & I can usually predict within 24 hours when Aunt Flo will be making her appearance. So imagine my surprise when 29 days come & go with no period. I knew it was well on its way though because for the last 3 days I had cramps & lower back pain like I always get right before my period.

Well, 2 days later & still nothing. 

It is now Sunday evening & we were having a cul-de-sac gathering with the neighbors & I was looking forward to opening a great bottle of red wine I had bought earlier in the day. But since I was "late" & since I had one left over PG test under my sink & again, the fact that I have an addiction to peeing on sticks I figured what the hell - might as well test & get it over with so I can open that red wine! 

I just knew it would be negative...

Um - as you can clearly see the test was not negative.

IUI's x 5 = $7300

IVF x 2 = $28,000

Acupuncture = $1365

FET x 2 = $6800

Taking a random PG test after being 2 days late & seeing a BFP with no medical intervention = f-ing priceless!!!

To be continued.....

The End

Today would have been my due date for FET #2 :( 

It is the last mental reminder & mark on the calendar that I have of our journey these past 2 years & to say I am glad it is here is a relief. It is almost like the slate has now been wiped clean & I can put all of this behind me. I can now move forward with the life that has been chosen for us.

It is bittersweet for me to be closing this chapter in my life. However, these last few months have allowed me to heal mentally, accept what I can not change & look at the positives of living life without children & not dwell on the negatives. 

Honestly, the one negative that I probably will never be able to get past is when I am elderly there will be no child(ren) to visit me in the hospital, or take care of me when I can no longer take care of myself. Or when I die there will be no child(ren) of my own at my funeral or who have "preceded me in death". I think that is what bothers me the most. 

I blame how I feel on my profession. I see many elderly people in the hospital or having a procedure done with no children there & it saddens me when there isn't anyone there for them & I think "that will be me someday" :(

Other than that, I am doing well with the cards that have been dealt to us. I turn 40 in August & I have always said I would be done with this journey by then so I guess it is time. It is time to close this chapter of our lives & move on.

Over these past 2 years I have found a community of bloggers (& a few real life friends) who have struggled with infertility & these women have been such an inspiration to me as well as SO supportive. It was sometimes painful to read or hear their stories of success with treatment & trying on their own, but deep down I was always truly happy for them as I knew all too well the struggle they had gone through with getting there. Their successes are what gave me hope & their stories reminded me that I wasn't alone in this journey. 

I just want to take a minute to thank each & every one of you for being there for me & following me through all this "drama" by always offering your kind words & thoughts either on this blog, the boards on the Bump or by a text message. Your kindness has touched my heart & even though it sucks we all had to meet on a board or blog about infertility, I am so glad we did! I am hoping by having shared my story, I have been able to help others along the way or even be an inspiration to someone else - even though we didn't have our own "positive" outcome.  

I am going to be leaving this blog up & open as a resource for others but sadly I think this might very well be my last post. Our IF journey has ended & it is time for HT to move on. 

Infertility is one of the worst things a woman & a couple will have to go through. There are so many times that I wish we were not dealt these cards, but in the end, going through this has made me such a stronger person, it has brought me closer to my husband, it has made my marriage stronger, I have encountered girlfriends for life for what we have gone through & for that I will always be thankful. 

If you would like, please feel free to follow me at my non-IF blog or recipe blog.

Checking In

Well, it's been exactly 3 weeks since all the drama went down. Figured I would "check in" with you all & let you know how I have been doing. I have been keeping myself entirely too busy with work, my social life, planning a much needed getaway, yard work & doing more of the things I love to do like cooking, baking, shopping, spending time with girlfriends. I even started a new "recipe blog" which I have been wanted to do for months. Check it out for some awesome recipes from HT's kitchen & follow along as I update it weekly. Keeping busy has been exactly what I needed & mentally I am doing much better.

I saw this quote on Pinterest a couple of weeks ago & it touched me. Touched me so much I printed it out & made it a magnet to put on my fridge so I see it everyday.

I planned on being a mother to two children. That was my dream for the hubby & I when we had gotten married. The last 5 years of our marriage has been attempting that dream & now I need to put that dream aside & focus on what lies ahead. I need to begin enjoying the life that is waiting for us....without children.

My sadness has began to go away. My desire for children is slowly fading. My heart is on the mend for what I have began to realize will never be. I am slowly learning that a life without kids is going to be okay. It has to be because we are out of options & I am learning to be okay with that also.

I had two situations that happened to me in the last few weeks that opened my eyes & gave me a "peace" that everything was going to be okay.

The first one has to do with a girlfriend whom I had dinner with shortly after all the "drama" went down. She has been my "go to person" throughout our IVF journey & I have been hers offering each other support & encouraging words whenever we needed it. She is on her own IF journey struggling with DOR also. I pray daily for her & her hubby that it one day works out for them. 

After hearing me break down about how I don't know where to go from here, how I felt DE was our only chance, how I was heartbroken, etc. she tells me she has a confession to make & it was killing her keeping it from me & how she hoped it would help me to hear it. 

A couple of months ago, she had gone through IVF & it unfortunately didn't end well. She ended up with a couple of frozen embies & had a chemical pregnancy with the last two they transferred. It breaks my heart because I know all too well her devastation, pain, grief & frustration she is going through. She then confessed to me that during her IVF cycle, she responded so poorly with stims that they decided to use DE instead. They had used a young donor, got a numerous amount of eggs, they fertilized & grew well, they transferred two, froze two & still after all that ended up with no viable pregnancy.

Hearing her story helped me in more ways than she will ever know. At that moment, I had a "revelation" if you will. I realized that donor eggs are not always the answer. You spend all that money & still there is NO guarantee you will get a baby(s) out of it. It is a 50/50 shot at having a baby & 50% of the time it doesn't work. I guess I just always thought that DE was our answer & we would for sure get a baby from it but I know now that is not the case. It is not my "cure" nor is it my "answer". Honestly, like all of this it is just a crap shoot & after hearing her story I don't know that I want to take that emotional & financial gamble yet again?!

I thanked my friend for opening up & sharing with me. Having dinner with her that night changed me. Changed my thought process. Changed the way I felt about how my husband reacted to DE. Changed my outlook on the future. I like to think it was God's way of having an "intervention" with me through my girlfriend :) She was in the right spot at the right time when I needed her the most. Thank you for that my friend - xoxo!

2nd "a-ha" moment:

The co-worker I have talked about here & here came back to work from maternity leave last week. I had to stomach through everyone asking to see pictures, how the baby was doing, etc. It was tough to hear so I managed to keep my distance from her....until this past Friday.

We were scheduled to work in a room together on Friday & by 9am the way I looked at my co-worker changed. Something had set her off & she was in tears. Now we aren't close by any means & that is my own fault because for the last year I have kept my distance from her which in turn probably made her think I didn't like her. For that I feel bad because anyone who knows me personally knows I am a kind, sincere, tenderhearted person.

Anyway, I gave her a big hug & asked her what was wrong & she just spills out how tired she is, how she is mad at her husband for lack of helping out with the girls, how she is upset she is going to have to work late tonight, how dropping her baby off at daycare is so very hard every morning & on & on. I just sat there & listened to her vent because really that is all she wanted...for someone to listen.

I realized then that even though she has 2 beautiful daughters, her life isn't perfect. Everyone you know is more than likely "going through something" & it is not right of me to judge or be envious of them or what they have. Hell, she probably wishes she had my life most days. I also realized after listening to her that I need to let go of my resentment towards her & her life I so desired because honestly, after listening to her, I was thankful that wasn't me. That's right, I said it. I am thankful that isn't my life. Right now, at this moment I am pretty happy with the life I have.

That's progress ladies.

Truth

And so the truth comes out...

Turns out that my husband doesn't want to do IVF using DE's after all. He doesn't even want to go to the consult to see what they have to say. I can bet he never even asked to have the day off for the appointment because he never wanted to go in the first place. Hence the reason I had to cancel it three times. If only he would have told me this 3 months ago.

I am devastated.

In our conversation last night, my husband said that I had become "obsessed" & "consumed" & "desperate" with trying to have a baby. Hearing those words was like being stabbed in the heart. All I have ever wanted was to bring a child into this world, be a mother, have us be a family. He also said his reason for not wanting to use donor eggs was he felt like he would be having a baby with someone else. I get that & I can understand it. But if that is how he felt then why didn't he bring this up 3 months ago when I made the first appointment? Or the 2nd? I thought we have both been on the same page & had the same goal but last night I realized just how wrong I was. I can't help but feel that this was just my dream & not his.

This was going to be our very last attempt at having children of our own & now we will never know. If it didn't work, at least I would have known we did everything we possibly could have & could try to move on. Now I am at a loss & not sure where to go from here. There has always been something "next" to try or do, a new hurdle to cross & now that it has been taken away from me I feel lost & extremely sad. Hell, maybe these are words from a desperate, consumed & obsessed woman? I guess that is what IF does to you over the years. But now I can't help but feel like I am being forced to accept life without children & I am praying so very hard that I don't resent my husband in the end for it.

I am angry.

Angry at the fact we can't have children of our own, angry with my husband for not trying to understand how hard this is for me, what I am feeling or going through, angry at my body for having crappy eggs, angry that I will never be someone's mom & that I will never get to see Shane be a dad.

I'm hurt.

I feel guilty. I am carrying around this huge feeling of guilt that because of me, I will never be able to provide my husband with a child. Because of me, we will never have a family. Because of me, we will be labeled by others as the "poor couple who can't have children".

I am so frustrated & sad. I'm just not sure how to process all of this. I feel like I am grieving for the loss of a child that I never had.

After yesterday, I can honestly see how IF can tear apart marriages & damage those relationships. I am praying that God gives me the strength to get through this & that my marriage isn't damaged because of me & how I am feeling because right now I am really, really struggling.

I just never imagined that I would have been married for 8 years to such a wonderful man & never been given the opportunity to have children. All I ever wanted, as far back as I can remember, was to be a mom & now sadly I will never get that chance.

Ugh - IF is cruel & so unfair :(

Denied

For those of you anxiously awaiting results of our DE consult this Monday, I am sorry to tell you that today I had to cancel our appointment - for the 3rd time :( I know, I know.

Without going into too many details, my husband's job has always been impossible to deal with when it comes to time off & they have not been flexible at all throughout this journey. My husband had asked for the day off back in Feb when we had to cancel the 2nd time but with it being "spring break" around here, there were too many employees already off so his request was denied. Yesterday he was told that his late arrival for Monday has been denied & they are no longer willing to let him come in after our appt - hence the reason for cancelling.

To say I am disappointed is an understatement.

To say I am feeling like this is never going to happen for us is a fact.

To say I am about ready to give up on our dream of becoming parents is dead on.

I just don't feel like I have any more "fight" or hope left in me. And honestly, I really wasn't all that surprised we had to cancel this appointment nor did I show much emotion when he told me he couldn't go. I think I am realizing that we are probably nearing the end of the road in this journey we call infertility & oddly enough, I am slowly coming to terms with it.

Our new appointment is now scheduled for Monday, April 23rd. They had an appt the 1st week of April available but it was in the afternoon & I knew the a-holes at Shane's job wouldn't let him off early. He is on vacation the entire last week of April so there should be no reason why we both can't make this appt.

Bear with me ladies for yet another 5 weeks....I too am anxiously awaiting!

T-minus 14 days

14 more days until our DE consult...but who's counting??

Hard to believe that 17 days have blown by since I last posted & even harder to believe we are already 5 days into March!?

These last couple of weeks I have been in a "funk" & just not myself. My friends have noticed it, my co-workers have noticed & even the hubby said something about my mood lately. I haven't been able to figure out why I have been so grumpy & snappy & irritable....until today.

A co-worker of mine found out she was pregnant the exact same week I had my 1st FET. Unfortunately, I miscarried while she went on to have a healthy pregnancy. I have had to work with her every single day for the last 8 months & it has been torture for me watching her belly grow, listening to her complaints about nausea, fatigue, insomnia, stretch marks & swollen ankles knowing that I should have experienced all that along with her. As happy as I was for her, even her baby shower was difficult for me to be at.

She ended up giving birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl 2 weeks ago & after visiting her & Miss Samantha in the hospital an old wound had been opened once again & has been bothering me ever since.

Pretty sure this is when my "funk" started.

And to top it all off, I realized that today would have been my due date if my 1st FET would have worked :(

It's amazing how things buried deep in your subconscious can effect you so strongly. Pretty sure this has been the reason for my "Debbie Downer" attitude lately. I'm hoping now that Miss Samantha is here & I have passed what would have been due date #1 that I can snap out of this mood & get back to being myself. I just got back from a girls weekend in Vegas so that has definitely helped my soul :)

I am just really looking forward to getting past all these obstacles & getting back to my "old" self. Bring on a new consult, a new plan & a new me :)

Tag - You're It!

As I was reading through all the blogs I follow, I noticed I had been tagged by Scubagirl over at "Living With IF" to join her in a fun, little game going around "blog world". I enjoy taking part in these "getting to know you" games so thank you Scubagirl for "tagging" me :)

Here are the tagging rules:

1) post the rules
2) answer the 11 questions from the person who tagged you
3) create 11 NEW questions for the people you tag
4) tag as many people as you like & link them to your post
5) let them know they have been tagged

And here are the questions Scubagirl has asked me to answer:

1. Where is your most favorite place that you have traveled? I have traveled to a lot of places within the US but I must say that Charleston, SC is my absolute favorite. I love the history & architecture of the city, love how close it is to the beach, love the food & the southern people.

2. What is your favorite food? Mexican. I think I could eat it everyday. For a snack, I love popcorn.

3. Who cooks at home? I do all the cooking. I love to cook/bake & find it a huge stress reliever. I'm a little "weird" about my kitchen though. My husband knows the kitchen is "hands off" & he is not to come in & bother me when I am cooking or baking. Can you say control freak??

4. How often do you go out to eat? Usually 1-2 times/week.

5. What is your most favorite movie of all time? Shawshank Redemption. I think I have seen it 25 times & love it each & every time.

6. Cat or dog? Dog - preferably English Bulldogs :)

7. What flowers were in your wedding bouquet? red parrot tulips & black magic roses

8. How many of the 50 states have you been to? 25

9. What decorations do you have on the walls of your bedroom? a 46" flat screen TV, a couple of pictures & wall sconces.

10. Where did you go on your honeymoon? a bed & breakfast in the Black Hills of South Dakota

11. What is your favorite sport to watch? LOVE KU basketball

So here are the questions YOU get to answer:

1) What is your favorite TV show(s)?
2) If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would it be?
3) What is your idea of a fun, romantic date night with the hubby?
4) Do you have a "bucket list"? If so, what is one of the things on it you have completed thus far?
5) What is your favorite season?
6) What is your biggest pet peeve?
7) Do you have a favorite book you have read?
8) Do you have any pets?
9) What is your favorite candy?
10) What 3 things would you take if you knew you were going to be stranded on a deserted island & why?
11) How long have you been blogging & why did you start?

The blogs I am tagging are:

Amanda @ From Here to Maternity
Cori @ Mommy's Outlet
Jen @ Tales of the Trustems
Casey @ This Modern Love
Chrissy @ Trying To Get A Bun In My Oven

(No worries if you don't get time or want to do this :)

Taxes & Deductions

Ever since we got married 7+ years ago, the hubby & I have been going to the same H&R Block office & using the same accountant to have our taxes done. This year was no different.

We had our appointment this morning & within 45 min our accountant had all our info entered into the computer & was letting us know what the final verdict was - do we owe or don't we? Some people like to have that additional money from Uncle Sam in their paychecks every pay period but not me & Shane! We both like that big refund check at the end of the year so we make sure to adjust our tax withholding to our benefit & it has worked out to our advantage every year by doing so.

This year though we were very surprised to see that we are getting over $4000 MORE back than we did last year - YAY! We were both shocked & curious as to why we would get more back since nothing had really changed from last year?!

Our accountant said it was partly because Shane had bought a new truck & we were able to use the sales & property tax he paid as a deduction (which Shane quickly said "See honey, it was a great idea to buy a new truck after all" - whatever) but the MAIN reason was because we had twice as much in medical expenses from our IVF & 2 FET cycles to deduct this year than we did last year.

I guess it is nice to know that at the end of the year there can be something good come out of spending a ridiculous amount of money in IF expenses & have nothing to show for it!?

Unfortunately, the additional "bonus" refund will be put towards paying off our medical debt & not for anything fun :( That is the "Dave Ramsey" way & that is how we roll!

Oh well, at least it will finally be paid off....just in time to start the vicious cycle all over again if we decide to do IVF using DE this year.